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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To help out my exh

10 replies

sammydingdong · 17/12/2023 10:28

Name changed as don't want to be identified.
Exh and I divorced in 2013 when kids were 11 and 7. I won't go into the long story but we managed to separate reasonably amicably and despite him treating me pretty badly at the time we've always shown a united front for the kids at things like parents evenings, big birthdays etc.
I've re-married and moved on with my life.
He's had several partners and breakups and has generally not had a great time - his health is now very poor and he's had to now close his business and has no income. To top it off his landlord has given him notice to move out as he is selling up. Exh was planning to move in with his current partner but dd has now told me that their relationship is not great and he doesn't think he should move in with her now, and is waiting to hear about temporary accommodation.

As much as I'd prefer not to have any contact with him, as the father of my kids I'm worried about him. I'm also concerned about his mental health and also the pressure and worry it's putting on our dd(21) and ds(17)

I now have my own business which is finally doing well. WIBU to give him some cash anonymously to help him out with a deposit for somewhere to live? I'd rather him not know it's from me though, as i still have some trauma from our time together and I'd prefer to keep him at a distance emotionally. I don't really want to speak to him or see him any more than I absolutely have to but it's really playing on my mind that he could end up in some awful place that the kids will have to go to to visit him.

There's a million other things I haven't told you, he's a self-pitying, moaning man who will never do anything to help himself and there's so many things he could have done to avoid this situation. Which is why I'm not sure whether I should do this. Should I just leave him to get on with it?

OP posts:
Wowzel · 17/12/2023 10:29

Will he be able to pay the rent if you pay a deposit?

vidflex · 17/12/2023 10:31

There's a million other things I haven't told you, he's a self-pitying, moaning man who will never do anything to help himself and there's so many things he could have done to avoid this situation. Which is why I'm not sure whether I should do this. Should I just leave him to get on with it?

That last paragraph says it all really. And if you give him money you're enabling him. He needs to sort himself out. He's not your responsibility.

BlondeFool · 17/12/2023 10:32

Your kids are old enough to know he's made his own life choices.

But I wouldn't piss on my ex husband if he was on fire.

Valid8me · 17/12/2023 10:34

How would you give it anonymously? What if you donated a wedge of cash for a deposit and he then spent it on something else?

Leave him to get on with it, your kids are old enough to understand that their dad isn't helping himself in any way.

MrsRuldolph · 17/12/2023 10:34

Leave him to get on with it.

Yes you wouldn't see him on the streets, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

If that changes, by all means step in. From your description he's whinny, blames everything on other people, so let him pull himself out the shit. It would be better for his sense of self-worth.

Currently there is no need for you to do anything.

Original poster
sammydingdong · 17/12/2023 11:28

Thank you, this is probably what I need to hear and why i posted really. I'm not sure why i feel the need to give him money, I just feel guilty I suppose. I've never had much money either and it's the first time I've had a bit to spare.

But you're all correct in that he needs to sort himself out. I saw this coming when we separated and I'm only surprised it's not happened sooner. He's always blamed something or someone else for everything and despite him being the one who wanted a divorce I think he re-wrote it to be me who left him and now he's got nothing and I've got it all.
Whoever said I'd just be enabling him is correct and I know I did that when we were together. I've tried very hard to distance myself from him over the last 10 years so I feel like I'm regressing a bit to those days.

Thank you for your replies, I can't talk to anyone irl so this helps a lot.

OP posts:
ReadySalty · 17/12/2023 11:30

Don't help him. You divorced him, he's no longer your burden.

OrigamiOwl · 17/12/2023 11:33

He'd probably know it was from you. Anonymous lumps of money don't just fall into people's laps with no questions.

He's a grown man, who has made his own choices. He needs to sort himself out. You don't have to keep bailing him out.

Tigertigertigertiger · 18/12/2023 19:00

I've given my xh cash many times.

But not anonymously
I think you're very kind.

Floofydawg · 18/12/2023 19:09

BlondeFool · 17/12/2023 10:32

Your kids are old enough to know he's made his own life choices.

But I wouldn't piss on my ex husband if he was on fire.

You sum up my exact thoughts about my own ex!

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