Sisters behaviour

[Passedproblems]

I am the youngest of 3 sisters, I was ecstatic when my both of my sisters had children and I spent loads of time and money with my nieces and nephews (age range 30+ to 10) taking them out on my own from the age of 16 to lots of different places, right until I had my own children 20 years later.

Fast forward to now, I have 3 children of my own and my sisters or their children don't make any effort with them whatsoever. My children don't even know which aunt is which because we hardly see each other, even though we live about 25 minutes away from each other. They clearly see each other without me which I don't mind, it's the lack of interest in my children that upsets me.

It hurts so much. I just try to minimise contact because my older child picks up on the different ways their treated now. Aibu to think this is just shitty behaviour? How would you deal with it?

I am one of 3 sisters and I have a brother too. I'm the oldest though and the first to have kids. My middle sister is the more involved aunt of the two. My younger sister works full time and when my kids are present is loving but she doesn't do anything for them. She can't relate so doesn't. You sound the opposite of my youngest sister so I can't understand why yours are behaving this way.

Could it be that as their kids are older now they just don't want to be around younger kids, deal with the noise or mess? They perhaps don't want to have to curb or limit where they go to accommodate yours?

My only advice would be to speak to them and be blunt. Make it clear that you are hurt by their behaviour. See what they come back to you with. I'd have this chat in person one on one. If they turn it back on you and say that you are being oversensitive or continue anyway then they aren't worth your time. At that point I'd keep it civil, polite but distant. You never know though, they might not have realised that it has been upsetting you and change their behaviour to be more involves sisters and aunties.

My youngest brother has a two year old, mine are in their twenties.
I could think of nothing worse than an afternoon with a toddler.
I've been there (mine were18 months apart), and want peace and quiet.
I work, have a good life and am very busy yet brother tries to guilt me by saying its been x time since you saw little Johnny.

Bless you OP, I feel for you, but there's a lot of truth in what @ZekeZeke says.

When you don't have kids of your own, I imagine it must be a bit fun and exciting to look after little ones for a bit, cos it's out of the ordinary for you etc.

Once you've had your own kids and done it all already, little ones can be irritating...even if you love them as an aunt.

My sisters kids are much younger than mine and I've only had them once on my own. I would honestly struggle with them. She disciplines them a lot differently to my way and I find this difficult too.

It doesn't mean they live your kids any less, just that your life stages are not compatible.

Edited to add: if my sister had been all about holidays and festivals in her late teens/early 20s when I had my kids, I would've felt the same as you (like she wasn't bothered), but really, she'd have just been living her life. As it was, she seemed to think the kids were a novelty and did take them out now and again.

It might be natural to be closer to someone that is at a more similar life stage than you so maybe normal that they see each other. However it's also normal that if you love someone, you show an interest in what's going on in their lives, and that can mean spending time with young kids even when you'd rather not.

I'm not sure what you can do about it though, unfortunately you can't make other people interested.

What about your nieces and nephews that you spent a lot of time with when they were younger, are you close to them? Have you invited them to do stuff outside of their parents?

once you have your own kids you are less focussed on others, and certainly less willing to spend time with other kids.
your sisters are finally gaining some freedom back - and as much as they love you and your kids they probably don’t want to spend this little freedom with other people’s small kids when they still carry the mental load of their own lives.

Thanks for all your replies, it's been great to see it from another perspective.

I think I'll just have to face the fact that they aren't interested in my children. However it's a bitter pill to swallow, and unfortunately the way I feel now is that if they can't be bothered then I won't bother with theirs :( Hopefully this feeling won't last long as I know it'll make the situation even worse but I feel ridiculous making an effort all the time when it's completely unreciprocated.

@Passedproblems a gentle question, but are your children objectively well behaved? We’ve just had DH’s sisters kids over at the weekend and it is exhausting just having them around- and I’m sure she could’ve written your post... She was also frustrated that DH’s DP’s spent more time at ours than at hers. But here’s the thing…They have two teens and a 6yo. None of them have ever been told no, can abuse themselves, not slam doors, or been able to entertain themselves particularly the youngest. I find kids who treat other people’s homes badly( regardless if they are relations or not), or who need to be the centre of attention at all times or who have zero table manners, exhausting. Possibly because mine haven’t been brought up like that, possibly because it’s easy to say yes to everything but then you raise kids no one wants to spend any time with.

Kids change the dynamics of a meet up regardless of behaviour. Your sisters have raised their families and now probably like to spend their free time having a child free lunch with wine at a naice place. Can you start there? Can you tell them how you feel? Find common ground with you all as adults and then the rest can follow.

Are they closer generally? Due to age /life stages?

They are probably less excited by your children due to having done all that and children no longer being a novelty. But they should still support you and want a relationship with you and your family.

@Darknavyknickers , the children are aged 5-10, very well behaved, definitely do not run wild and listen, especially when we are not at home (at home it can be a different story🤣).

We went on a child-free dinner a couple of weeks ago, (which was fine). We then had a child's birthday this weekend gone where I noticed how different my children were treated. They are not treated badly I have to say, just indifferent. They have zero interest in them. DPs family live in another country so I feel my children are missing out on extended family love most of the time.

I think it's fairly normal.

I'm not bothered much with other people's children and no it does not mean I don't like them.

No, they're not interested in children - not YOUR children

When you were 16 and had NO children jt was fun to be around them and take them out

Fast forward 30 years and there's are grown up and they're sick of looking after kids 🤦‍♀️

It's shit for you and your children but it makes sense

As my DC get older, TBH, I am less interested in spending time with younger DC, they are just more hard work, even the well behaved ones. I can cope with small doses but that's it.