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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm the unreasonable one?

16 replies

Blouses · 17/12/2023 05:48

I overheard my DM talking negativity about me last week.

I left it a few days but it was still nagging me, so we met for coffee and I said if she had issues with me then I am very willing to hear them, rather than be spoken about behind my back to someone else.

She realised I had overheard her and she was mortified, said she didn't mean what she said at all, and apologised.

I'll be honest I can't just immediately let go, because what she said stung. It wasn't a big deal, just along the lines that I liked the sound of my own voice.

Now I'm avoiding talking to her at all because I keep thinking about what she said and don't want to be talking too much.

My Dad has now messaged saying I'm upsetting her.

AIBU? Once you know someone feels you talk too much, it's hard to want to talk at all :(

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 17/12/2023 05:55

Just ignore the flying monkey and let it drop when you are ready. Obviously don't bare a grudge at Christmas if possible.

But is their any truth in what she said? I've just had my boss be really unpleasant to me. And I'm gutted but unfortunately her criticism were largely true. So I'm now working really hard to be better.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 17/12/2023 05:56

You feel how you feel.

But from my point of view, it sounds like she said it in a moment of frustration or annoyance. Most people do the same. I try not to hold others people to higher standards than I hold myself to.

Theres plenty of times I have muttered or said something, then within minutes that I was I was being unfair and realised whatever the person did that annoyed me, only annoyed me because I have other things going on. Then feel glad I didn’t say it to them or that they heard me.

This time you heard, unfortunately.

I mean she is mortified and apologised. You spoke to her because you wanted to get it out and resolve it, I assume.

It also depends on why she said it. If you were going on a out something or talking over people or talking at her and you can acknowledge that, I would be learning from it and moving on.

Original poster
Blouses · 17/12/2023 06:04

Wallywobbles · 17/12/2023 05:55

Just ignore the flying monkey and let it drop when you are ready. Obviously don't bare a grudge at Christmas if possible.

But is their any truth in what she said? I've just had my boss be really unpleasant to me. And I'm gutted but unfortunately her criticism were largely true. So I'm now working really hard to be better.

If there was truth to it, I'd find it much easier to let go or brush it off.

She phones me a lot, saying she's bored/lonely, and asks me to tell me about my day/life, I'm not a natural talker (introverted) but I make an effort for her.

I'd much rather listen in a conversation, I have a lot of friends who are talkers so our dynamic works well!

Which is why this stings.

My DH has let me down badly recently, I feel I can't trust anyone. Feeling like getting away from all of them, starting afresh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blouses · 17/12/2023 06:05

Lifeasiknowitisout · 17/12/2023 05:56

You feel how you feel.

But from my point of view, it sounds like she said it in a moment of frustration or annoyance. Most people do the same. I try not to hold others people to higher standards than I hold myself to.

Theres plenty of times I have muttered or said something, then within minutes that I was I was being unfair and realised whatever the person did that annoyed me, only annoyed me because I have other things going on. Then feel glad I didn’t say it to them or that they heard me.

This time you heard, unfortunately.

I mean she is mortified and apologised. You spoke to her because you wanted to get it out and resolve it, I assume.

It also depends on why she said it. If you were going on a out something or talking over people or talking at her and you can acknowledge that, I would be learning from it and moving on.

Really good points, thank you.

OP posts:
NativityLobsterNumber4 · 17/12/2023 06:06

Who did she say it to OP?

Maybe distance yourself from her a bit and see how you feel. You dad is a joke, upsetting her? That’s just manipulation. If she had a problem with you, she should have spoken directly to you about it.

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2023 06:16

I'd message your dad and say I m sorry if this is impacting on you but I'm upset so I'm just taking a bit of space. I'm glad you are supporting mum.

Hopefully it was a throwaway comment said in the moment but I would be hurt too. It sounds like it's not particularly accurate either?

rainbowstardrops · 17/12/2023 06:21

Your mum is mortified and has apologised. I'd move on personally.
I imagine we've all spoken about others, it's just unfortunate that you heard.
It's the season of goodwill - let it go!

rainbowstardrops · 17/12/2023 06:22

Oh and you said your DH has let you down badly recently. You're obviously hurting from that, so do you think maybe the situation with your mum is heightened because you're already feeling bashed and bruised so to speak?

margotrose · 17/12/2023 06:38

I don't know a single person who has never moaned about someone they love - it's just that this time you (unfortunately) overheard it.

Can you honestly, hand on heart, say that you've never moaned about your mum? Ever?

Muddays · 17/12/2023 06:42

@Blouses I presume you've probably said a few negative things about your DM 'behind her back' (like most people do about theirs) and would be mortified if she overheard them? What's the difference? You still love each other. You'd expect her to forgive you so do the same. If it's hit a nerve then maybe direct all that angry energy away from someone who clearly loves you and is an easy target, and focus on the two people who you're really pissed off with; yourself and DH.

Original poster
Blouses · 17/12/2023 06:45

rainbowstardrops · 17/12/2023 06:22

Oh and you said your DH has let you down badly recently. You're obviously hurting from that, so do you think maybe the situation with your mum is heightened because you're already feeling bashed and bruised so to speak?

Most definitely, perhaps on its own it wouldn't have stung so much.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 17/12/2023 06:56

I think there are two parts

the what she said about you, liking your own voice - but telephones you to tell her about your day?

then the talk about you behind your back, which destroys trust

then your mum is moving into becoming the victim and the messaging from dad

id message your dad and state,

im trying to forgive mum for talking about me behind my back and work on not liking the sound of my own voice. Mum needs to work on building trust again, she is one if two people I feel should have my back. Hopefully it can be done but won’t jyst happen overnight.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 17/12/2023 07:32

It’s horrible when this happens - for both parties. But it’s done so the best thing to do is to try to move on from it. You are hurt but is it really enough to go NC over?
I think the big issue here is DH. What did he do?

Toomanycaketins · 17/12/2023 08:05

I’ve had the self same thing happen (although I haven’t confronted my mum) and although there probably is a grain of truth in what she said, it has made me very self conscious too. I now notice subtle comments which make me feel she is critical of my personality. I spoke to my sister and she thinks mum would be mortified that I thought that though. My sister is very wise and it did help talking to her.

I have found my parents less tolerant as they age and can be critical of lots of people. Also we become more divergent as we mature, we develop our own family/friendship circles and if I’m honest, I don’t want to be a carbon copy of my parents, they are good people but there are definitely ways where I’m glad to be different, maybe they are entitled to disagree, I don’t know.

At Christmas I’m going to try to keep conversation light and neutral and make an effort to care less what they think eg when it comes to parenting my children. I have realised that as long as I try to be a good person, I can’t live for their specific approval.

do you think this approach would work for you?

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 17/12/2023 08:18

It’s not that easy when somebody undermines your confidence to just let it go. Bridges need to be built. But this has clearly really affected the op and the mum needs to accept the consequences of her actions and the fact it will take time to fix. A apology helps, but isn’t an instant fix.

dothehokeycokey · 17/12/2023 08:47

This happened to me years ago

I walked in on my mum moaning about me not going over on a Sunday as she was bored and sat on her own (I had three young kids and a full time job at that time and was actually trying to get round Tesco without any meltdowns)
I popped in quickly on the way bak and that's when I overheard her.

I was so hurt and upset and remember feeling really let down that she would be so shitty to moan about me when I'm the sibling that did and still does the most to help her

I asked her to leave me be for a few days because I was quite hurt by it and she did the whole getting sibling to message and say she's upset etc.

My response was she shouldnown the fact she was in the wrong and what she said was hurtful and not play the poor her card as that was making it worse.

Sibling actually told her it was a shitty thing to say bearing in mind how hectic and stressful life was and she could have offered to sit with the dc while I navigated tescos instead of expecting me to drop everything g and go to her.

She did apologise profusely and it settled down but I've never forgotten it and it was years ago

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