A Merry Cancer Christmas

[Weehectorreturns]

Strap in, people..it’s a long one.

My SIL and family (DH, 2 twenty something kids) live 400 miles away. We’ve spent most of our Christmasses for the last 30 years together usually here in Scotland.

Family dynamic has changed slightly since Covid Christmas 2020 - FIL was seriously unwell and died early in Jan 2021. SIL and BIL (her kids stayed in London) were here for Christmas but didn’t hang around to help nurse her father. Headed South on the 27th and never reappeared even for the funeral or to support her mum. MIL and us were hurt and upset by this but moved on - everyone reacts differently to grief and she clearly just couldn’t face it.

This has continued since. Despite being retired, she rarely comes up. We all have a great time when they do appear once or twice a year but they haven’t been back for Christmas in 2021 or 2022. MILs take on this is that SIL can’t face a Scottish Christmas without her dad. Although we have other family options my side, we’ve been left on our own as a family on Christmas Day (DH, DS 13) with MIL because MIL won’t go down South or to her other son’s and just wants to see our son (her only grandson who is still a child) open his presents on Christmas morning. This has been a bugbear for us but MIL is 89 so we’ve always felt she might not have many Christmas Days left so it’s seemed the best option.

This year, DH has been in hospital since September after a cancer op went horribly wrong. He’s nearly died a few times - he had major surgery last week, is in ICU, tested positive for Covid this week, has an abscess and sepsis. It’s currently life and death stuff and both SIL and MIL are fully aware of the situation.

My SIL & BIL were last up in Nov and the lack of Christmas chat was noticeable. They returned home and then texted the following week to day that they thought had decided to go away for Christmas with the kids to a cottage somewhere. No discussion, no what do you think - how are you feeling about Christmas coming up? I’ve not made any comments about this to them.

I was gutted especially as DS who adores his big cousins had just asked if they were coming up for Christmas and I’d had to say I wasn’t sure. I’d envisaged they’d want to come up to support us as all as a family, especially MIL and DS on Christmas Day if their dad/son was in hospital. They could have cooked dinner while I took DS/MIL to the hospital & kept DS distracted rest of the day. They said they’ve always wanted to go away and this year felt like a good year to do it as they had a big birthday in October and one coming up in March and were still planning on doing that.

Instead they will go off to their cottage whilst I at best, will have DS and MIL (no way will she go to her other son’s when DH is in the hospital) to cook for and take to the hospital.

My niece is a lovely girl and I can’t believe she would knowingly leave her little cousin alone on Christmas Day knowing his dad and her uncle is so desperately ill. I suspect that SIL hasn’t told her kids how unwell DH is and they didn’t expect he’d still be in hospital.

Its all the more upsetting as we’ve always hosted and DH has cooked them Christmas feasts for whole weeks at Christmas for all those years. It feels like now grandpa isn’t here, they can’t face it and whilst we’ve been the entertainers and providers whilst niece and nephew were young, they can’t reciprocate for our DS.

I’m obviously under a lot of stress with my DH so I’ve not expressed how I feel in case it comes out wrong but I’m really upset and want to know if I’m being unreasonable to expect family to rally round us. SIL isn’t particularly self aware so I’m worried that if a pic of them drinking champagne in a hot tub pops up in the family group chat while we are at the hospital, I might blow.

I’m really sorry for all the struggles you’re dealing with.

YANBU to hope that SIL would act like a decent human, but unfortunately you can’t make her do so. She seems more than a little selfish.

In your shoes, I’d abandon any pretense of trying to make Christmas normal for your MIL in terms of cooking nice dinners etc. I’d do what you can for your little one with presents and such to try and make it a bit special, but that’s it. Nothing for anyone else!

Do you have parents or siblings that you can recruit to provide support and help?

You really need to focus on your DH, and also do whatever you can to get some care for yourself.

Id also mute the family group chat and if you’re asked why, just say you don’t have the time or energy for it.

I truly hope your DH improves and gets to come home soon.

You can’t control what they do, things obviously changed after her dad died, her ‘side’ will likely be very different to yours. The 20 something kids are likely to want to do some of their own thing, not spend it all away from friends in Scotland entertaining a 13year old. Harsh but true. You have said they were there last month so I’m not surprised they don’t want to go up again for Xmas. Just focus on your own life. I hope things improve for your husband.

No, you're not being unreasonable to feel sad about all this. Your SIL sounds like she's not someone who can put herself in other people's shoes. But equally, do you think it's possible she thought you wouldn't want more people to cater for at Christmas, when things are so tough? But she could at least have spoken about it. I'm sorry to read this.

Your sil clearly has a pattern of prioritising her own needs and being thoughtless about how others might be feeling or what needs they might have. While it would be lovely for her to change she’s highly unlikely to. I think you therefore need to think about your needs and how they can be met. Perhaps that means asking other family and friends to support. Perhaps that means communicating to your sil after Christmas that it’s been a tough few years with the death of fil and your husband’s near death experience and that you’d appreciate help with your mil moving forwards and the expectation not always being that it will fail to you. Perhaps that means limiting contact with her.
Wishing your husband a speedy recovery.

I agree that your SILs version of things may be different. I don’t think all was as happy as you paint it, she never stayed when her father was dying and didn’t attend the funeral. She’s hasn’t been for Xmas since and isn’t coming this year even though her brother is very ill. I’m guessing there are some deeper family issues at least from her perspective.

They’re going away, you can be disappointed but can’t change it.

Concentrate on your husband and son.

No underlying family issues. Just a Covid shitshow. She left on the 27th Dec, came back up the day after FIL died, was in MILs house 1/2 hr, MIL got the ‘you’ve tested positive’ ping (my DH was positive too) and she headed straight back home having been in the house 1/2 hr so she didn’t catch it from her mum. They decided to watch it on Zoom the following week rather than drive up. It was peak Covid times, remember.

You’re unlikely to know if there are any problems from her point of view, or they may have other things going on that you’re not aware of. They’re allowed to prioritise themselves even if you don’t agree.

They don’t want to spend Xmas with you all so although you may feel sad about that, there isn’t anything you can do.

I wouldn’t waste any energy on trying to work it out, use that to look after you, your husband and your son.

It's such a hard situation, November isn't that long ago for a visit though as it does sound like they live a very long way away. Perhaps the travel is becoming too much? They may also think you need some space at the moment with everything going on. Either way I think its best to focus on you and your dh and ds for now, adding anger into a difficult time will only make it harder and you don't need that right now.

She’s retired, in her 60’s? so probably doesn’t want to drive 400 miles in what could be terrible weather.
Her children are adults so working? and don’t want to spend precious annual leave sitting around with elderly relatives.
Her father has died and it has made her realise that life is short and you should do what you want. How many times on MN on women told to put themselves first?

Obviously I don’t know if any of this is true, but this is how I feel about visiting elderly mil who lives hundreds of miles away.

It seems they’ve mostly done all the travelling at Xmas in the past and they travelled to see you only last month. You can’t really expect them to travel that distance again. As pp have said, focus on your son and husband.

Sounds like this year you should do Christmas dinner a bit differently. Ham and egg and chips. A curry. Takeaway (if that's even possible). Do not try and do everything.

You've seen how the SIL/ BIL behaved over FIL, so they were unlikely to be of any help at this time. Sorry they're shit. That would definitely impact how much time I would want to spend with them moving forward.

Maybe she doesn't want to put the pressure of hosting on you at this time

Maybe she doesn't like being around serious illnesses

I've met a few people when confronted with ill people they run away can't stand it don't want to be around it don't want the memory of it can't cope with it at all

I also wonder whether they didn’t want to put you under pressure or even ask about Christmas with all that going on. They may well have thought they were helping you out by not expecting you to host. You would need to make it very clear that you would be happy to host but even then they may prefer to have Christmas their own way.

I don’t know, I live away from ‘home’ and still feel family pressures to go ‘home’ for Christmas, but to be honest, it isn’t my home and hasn’t been since I was 18. If I visited in November, it would be in lieu of visiting at Christmas.

I think it’s different in time of illness, potentially, but you don’t seem particularly close, so not sure there was anything to indicate this would be much different. If she wasn’t around for her DF dying, it doesn’t seem much of a shock that she wouldn’t come back for this.

On the face of it, having a Christmas on their own in a cottage isn’t an issue in itself.

I hope your DH recovers, good luck

I'm really sorry for what you're going through and I understand the exhaustion of having someone in a life/death situation in hospital while other relatives are nowhere to be seen. It's hugely upsetting especially when most of the time you're not asking for much, just a cup of tea and a bit of emotional support.

One year I had two close relatives both critically ill (suddenly) in hospital at the same time. My siblings all went away on pre-planned breaks and I had the full caring responsibility.

I nearly folded in two with the pressure and exhaustion but in the end all I could do was say 'Christmas is on pause this year'.

Instead of trying to combine it all, we kept Christmas very simple so we could accommodate hospital runs and then early in January (when everyone had gloomingly gone back to work and the relatives were starting to turn a corner), we had a big family Christmas at home. We celebrated that we'd made it through somehow or other and celebrated being together.

I later went to counselling to process the fact that I'd effectively been 'abandoned' by my siblings during an incredibly traumatic time and it really helped me to let go of it so that resentment didn't poison my relationships.

When I was stronger I was able to talk to them about it and though they didn't see the problem ('you always cope so well' was the cry) we were able to move past it.

Top survival tips:

Unfollow/mute them on social media for Christmas
Mute the WhatsApp group and only look when you have the emotional reserves to do so
Consider putting Christmas 'on pause' and having a celebration later when things are more normal

I hope your DH soon starts to improve!

have you spoken to her and asked her to come up and do Christmas with you all?

calling her and talking is the best option.

I'm in two minds here, or maybe three.

SIL has a relationship with her parents that neither you or your husband truly know about.

It's wrong of your MIL to put all her Christmas expectations on you, did she do something similar to your SIL that SIL is now very glad to escape at last?

This Christmas you need to focus on you son, DH and yourself. If that means no MIL and no turkey but a day with you three at hospital then do that. You have enough on your plate.

I hope your husband improves and comes home soon. Please don't do too much for Christmas this year as you sound exhausted.

Your sil was only up to Scotland last month...it is a very long way. Maybe they don't want to put pressure on you to host. Tbh their cottage idea sounds great. Maybe next year when your husband better you can do the same.

I hope your husband improves and comes home soon. Please don't do too much for Christmas this year as you sound exhausted.

Your sil was only up to Scotland last month...it is a very long way. Maybe they don't want to put pressure on you to host. Tbh their cottage idea sounds great. Maybe next year when your husband better you can do the same.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what a tough time for you, your son and MIL. It sounds thoughtless of your SIL. Yes, we need to make ourselves happy, but surely we all go out of our way for families too sometimes?

It's too late now, if they're going away, it will all be paid for with one week to go. It's likely they booked when they didn't know your husband would be ill or as badly ill as he is. She should be more sympathetic and helpful, definitely, but it does sound like she thinks of herself first in all this.

But could you ask them to come up soon to give your son some welcome distraction? It's ok to ask for support, you don't always need to be the strong one.

I feel for your MIL too. She's lost her husband now faces the prospect of losing her son, and being the age she is, she doesn't really have much else. Your SIL should be thinking of this.

YANBU. This is exactly the type of situation where you would really hope your family would rally round you, and I’m very sorry you’re aren’t.

I hope your husband is ok and that he makes a recovery - what a terrible stress and grief for you ♥️

I would message Sil ‘I hope you all have a nice time away. It sounds a great idea and we will be doing the same next year when DH has recovered. So can you just note in your diary that next year MIL will be with you’.

It sounds like SIL lives a long way away, and as someone has said, that's where home is for her now. When times were good how often did you and PIL visit, or were they always expected to travel?

It sounds like you are holding on to some resentment about her absence when FIL died, but your second post explains it and it sounds reasonable in the context of the restrictions and worries of that time. It must have been awful for her. I live a few hours from my parents and we lost my dad the same month you lost your FIL. It was so hard to decide when to travel, how to balance those risks, and I was young and healthy. It must have been so difficult for your SIL, and I wonder if she's also holding on to some resentment about that time. Did your DH check in with her? Imagine watching your father's funeral on zoom, she must have been so upset.

I don't blame her for deciding to focus on her own family at Christmas after so many years of travelling. I wouldn't expect cousins in their 20s to prioritise a 13yo they can't be close to either.

However you're in a truly awful spot this Christmas. Make it as easy on yourself as possible. Sounds like there's another brother near you? Ask them to take MIL for at least some of the Christmas period. Make the hosting, cooking etc as easy on yourself as possible - cook your DS's favourite dinner rather than the traditional spread etc. Focus on him.

I hope your DH turns a corner soon.

I hope your husband has a speedy recovery.

I can understand why they haven’t come up, it is a long way to travel and they’ve recently been up. Expecting 20 year old cousins to entertain a 13 year old is a big ask. They probably have their own friends and partners they want to see over Christmas, not travel 400+ miles to sit with a 13 year old, harsh but true. As kids become adults their priorities change.

I am really sorry you are going through this.
I think I have read correctly that your mil has 3 children? I wonder if the son nearest to you could step up to look after your mil, so you can focus on your husband and son?
I hope your husband starts to improve soon.