Sorry, another Secret Santa

[northernlasses]

Each year we get together with a group of friends the week before Christmas.

They all have kids who have left home. We have three teenagers who all still live with us.

Therefore our kids get invited to the Christmas get together. Everyone else are working adults.

The problem I have is that we all do a Secret Santa. Now my kids are older our friends who organise it want them to be included in it too.

However, it's £20 each and we are supposed to buy jokey presents.

So as there are five of us, I spend £100 on rubbish!

Last year I suggested we lower the amount to £5 each but everyone else wanted to stick to £20 (they aren't buying for five people). They all enjoy doing it too!

How can I get round this in future without appearing rude? I can't plead poverty as we are doing OK. It is just a waste.

Huh? The point of a secret santa is that each person buys and receives one (1) gift. The gift is understood to be "from" the whole group. It costs the same whether there are 5 members or 25. If you are buying for each person in the group you are not doing a secret santa.

When you say you are spending £20 you mean because 5 of your family (you, dh/dp and 3 teens).

Are they all single because of not they are spending more than £20 per household.

Then drop out of it. You said you wanted to lower it? They don’t. For them it’s about picking the just and giving it and they get enjoyment out of it.

Or say the kids aren’t doing it.

Shes not buying for everyone in the group. There are 5 in her household who participate so it costs the household £100 but they get £100 in presents back. They're still only buying and receiving one each

I would just say the teens are not joining in ?
Surely they can't push back on this.

I get not wanting to lower the budget because you can't get much for a fiver.

Ah ok sorry I see the issue.

Personally I prefer a secret santa with a higher limit because you can literally only get crap for £5 but I agree if it's all coming out of one household budget then 5 "entries" at £20 is a bit much.

In this circumstance I think it's ok to just say no. Don't be embarrassed, it's not a crime or a social faux-pas to not have an infinite budget to spend on tat.

If the teens are going to be included then the rule on "jokey" gifts needs to be changed. There are secret santa websites where each recipient can put some wishlist ideas, and the items received are genuinely appreciated. If you use a site like that then you can reduce your in-family spend per-head because instead of you buying your 16yo the ps5 game they desperately need, your £20 goes to buying Secret Santa Target A the gardening gloves they want anf Secret Santa Donor B buys the teen their ps5 game and it's budget-neutral. The issue is the wastefulness of the "joke" gifts combined with the a single household budget.

Do your teens want to do it? I'd be tempted not to include them

I’d be tempted to leave them home with movies and popcorn if they’re old enough.

Participate as a family? So you share 1 gift and give 1 gift.

Their own kids do not participate?
Advise your friends that kids have not previously been included and at the age yours are it's inappropriate to ask them to pay out for a secret Santa their parents had opted into years ago to pay for gifts for people they barely know.
Ask specifically why they would assume your kids would want to be involved.

Leave the teens at home and just have an adult night.

This seems the best idea.

Why do you feel you can’t be honest and just say, no, sorry, I can’t afford to spend £100

Ridiculous amount for jokey stuff. Just tell them the teens aren’t taking part.