Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To find Christmas too much

21 replies

Tiredboymum22 · 17/12/2023 00:24

I’ve always liked Christmas but these past few years it’s gotten too much.

Elf on the shelf, matching PJs, secret Santa, the financial pressure… Sorry to sound like Grinch, but it was never celebrated like that in my family. We had a handful of presents, a tree, a nice meal, and that was it. I enjoyed the carol singing and films but it was never over the top. We were never threatened with Santa either.

DH’s family are totally different. They go all out. His mum tipped flour by the fireplace and made a footprint. They always left milk and cookies for Santa. His parents started their Christmas shopping in August and spent the following year paying things off. Copious presents and “I’ll tell Santa if you do it again”. DH loves Christmas and the pressure each year has put me off altogether!

He's trying to instil all that excitement into DS who’s autistic and I’m 90% certain it’s contributing to his meltdowns lately.

I feel totally unprepared and overwhelmed with it. AIBU?

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 17/12/2023 00:36

No you are not unreasonable, except you don't have to do elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes - that certainly wasn't around when your husband was growing up (Xmas jammies maybe, but not the box thing).
Matching jammies are cringe.
You can still have a lot of enthusiasm about Christmas and do none of these things! We haven't even done stockings in years and I never had them growing up and our Christmases were lovely.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 17/12/2023 00:43

Try not too.

Social media puts so much pressure on a lot of people and it's starting to feel like a competition.

I have two small children and I absolutely will not be doing elf on the shelf, secret Santa nor will I do be doing the 1st of December box.

We did the footprints last year and we aren't this year. To messy 🤣

We do matching PJS but it's about all family time for us.

As for gifts, now we have small children it's all about them. I usually took so much time picking gifts for people but this year I'm just doing gift cards. Between having a toddler, a baby & a new house plus maternity pay, people are lucky they are getting that. Not that they would care. But again I feel pressure to gift!

Sod the bloody pressures. Enjoy your own family tradition.

pizzaHeart · 17/12/2023 00:52

I agree, I think in general there are a lot more various expectations around Christmas. I know we can not follow them but the awareness is there, sometimes it’s pressure from kids or relatives, or friends.

Scarletttulips · 17/12/2023 00:54

If your DH wants to do these things then that’s on him! It should not impact you any way shape or form.

You do you and tell him he can sort wrap and delivery any gifts he chooses to buy.

Step away from the madness.

Terrrence · 17/12/2023 00:56

I don't think the things you mentioned are that common. We've never done Christmas eve boxes or matching Pyjamas. We don't do secret Santa either but would that not take the pressure off? If you did secret Santa you would only have one adult to buy for. That would be less hassle, less money, less stress.

I do get the DC new pyjamas at Christmas because I think it is nice and because they will need them at some point so Christmas is as good a time as any.

I think forget the bits of Christmas you don't like and keep the bits you do like.

CatNeedsFed · 17/12/2023 01:17

I try to boil it all down to what I call a 1970s Xmas when I feel overwhelmed by it all (or just annoyed I haven't got the time or the money to do the things I'd like to).

So a basic, entry level Xmas effort of:

Tree up
Advent calendar
Same old decs up
Stockings for the kids and some parcels to open
Roast dinner for the 25th - and no home made cranberry sauce or other time consuming nonsense.
Some sweeties/treats stashed away to pull out as a surprise while watching a Xmas film on Boxing day/the days when you don't know what day it is.

I loved Xmas as a kid and it didn't need all the bells and whistles we are pressurised to do/buy now.

Ponoka7 · 17/12/2023 02:40

mondaytosunday · 17/12/2023 00:36

Re Christmas Eve boxes, I did that for my DD (38). I wasn't the only one. I don't do stockings, my DD now doesn't for my GC.

OP I'd address the sensory overload aspect. All these things are supposed to be about enhancing the season. When disabilities/additional needs/allergies are present, it changes celebrations. As long as they aren't causing meltdowns etc and your DH is willing to do them and clean up afterwards, then he should be able to.

coxesorangepippin · 17/12/2023 02:46

Agreed

It's just all so chaotic

wingingit1987 · 17/12/2023 02:52

We have one child awaiting an autism assessment, he has been struggling so much this year and I genuinely think the run up to Xmas is contributing to it. Everything has got so excessive. We do elf on the shelf but it’s really low effort. I feel like I’m not doing a fraction of what others are doing and I feel a bit guilty but I just don’t have the time or money. It’s all much more pressured now.

Ladyj84 · 17/12/2023 02:58

Why are you allowing social media and other people's ideas and does and donts to bother you. Make your own Christmas and ideas. We do and our kids are just as happy

Theoldwoman · 17/12/2023 03:01

I’ve scaled right back, it all came about when I decluttered 80% of my belongings and become more intentional living.

This is the season of joy, reflection, spending a moment remembering loved ones who have passed, and whatever makes you happy.

Instead it’s become a time of stress, overspending, overthinking, too much stuff and trying to keep up with everyone else.

Ihadenough22 · 17/12/2023 03:17

I see people doing the Christmas eve box's and like you I don't remember them as a child. I think the family matching pj and photos on social media are just cringe. I just think some people are either willing to get to debt for Christmas or have more money than sense when it comes to Christmas spending.

I saw what you wrote - He's trying to instil all that excitement into DS who’s autistic and I’m 90% certain it’s contributing to his meltdowns lately.

I think that your right in saying that your ds who autistic is having meltdowns due to what your husband is doing. One of my friends has a child with autism. When they were younger they did not like all the lights, crowds and the change in their routine. It was just a total overload of their senses. If you look on the autism.co.uk website it shows an advert of what it like having autism. I would show your husband this.

I would just say to him as well to stop mentioning Xmas, santy ect to your ds because it to much for him.

stepintochristmas1 · 17/12/2023 03:27

Christmas is going the wrong way now , it's becoming a 'how much can you spend ' holiday .

TommyNever · 17/12/2023 03:37

Not sure why you think secret Santa is "too much", as it's normally a way of economising by greatly reducing the number of gifts each family member needs to provide.

CoffeeCantata · 17/12/2023 06:44

I think Social Media have caused unsustainable pressure over the last decade or so. My children are grown up now, and we always had really lovely Christmases (still do!) but kept it simple and pretty quiet.

We've never hosted big parties, for example. I don't know how people manage this on top of the usual Christmas preparations. Luckily awful things like the horrible elf and Christmas Eve boxes weren't a thing when mine were young. I'd have hated them.

It's about managing expectations - like so much in life! We always had simple, pretty advent calendars (no chocolates, just a gorgeous Medici Society picture) and no obscene pile of presents. But we have lovely Christmases focused on the family - we're not trying to impress anyone.

I do get that it's harder now - commercial pressures, driven by SM, are just horrendous.

cloudfree · 17/12/2023 06:56

You do you. Ignore everything else.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 17/12/2023 06:57

This. If it’s overwhelming your son you, DH and then the GPs need to get to a point of understanding and agreement.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 17/12/2023 07:02

You sound highly critically of DH and seem to think your way is the only way. Everyone celebrates Christmas differently - we do have new Pjs for the children on christmas eve because I always did as a child and leave a snack for santa because it’s polite to offer a guest a snack. We don’t do the elf but we do have something similar to kindness fairies.

As I tell my children it’s the job of shops to get you to buy things you don’t need and it’s up to you how to react.

The problem you have is you and DH have different experiences which is completely normal but you two need to sit down together and discuss what you want for your family.

Cablescablescables · 17/12/2023 07:13

I am very much like your husband, I do all that and more (except using Santa as a threat)! But you are definitely not being unreasonable at all. Christmas has got to work for you - coordinating pjs, going all out with the decs and food, christmas eve boxes etc all play right into my skills sets, so I don't find it a chore/ overwhelming to do. But, ask me to do something not in my skill set, I almost paralyse with overwhelm and stress. So, just do what works for you, your Christmas sounds lovely, if your DH wants extra bells and whistles then he can do that (whilst being mindful of your DC)!

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 17/12/2023 07:16

I hate all the extra stuff too, keeping it as simple as possible worked for us, even when DC was little. I don't doubt you're probably right about it being even more overwhelming for your child - you're certainly not the first parent I've heards say that their autistic child finds Christmas extremely difficult.

RomanRoysSearchHistory · 17/12/2023 11:17

I've not even put a tree up, it's your choice whether to participate and to what level

Flip