Been with my husband for 12 yrs. We met at pub and both enjoyed a drink. Things were great for the first few years but looking back I wonder if this is because I had shown an interest in his hobbies and went along with things he wanted to do.
A major flashpoint appears to have been my husband's choice to suddenly stop drinking about 3 years ago, which I have no issue with in itself, however if I so much as mention going for a drink with friends or family this causes a row. Ultimately we teased it out a few weeks ago and what he really wants is for me to not drink at all. As I was younger when we met, of course there have been a few times that I've got too drunk, however these days it is extremely few and far between and I am certainly not abusive or offensive in any way, in fact I especially avoid arguments with him when I've had a drink as I feel he uses this against me as is. I know other couples where one party will go "over the top" occasionally and it is just laughed off and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect this - please note I am not saying I expect to be getting smashed and outrageous and for anyone to put up with it. I have suggested that I stay with friends if I am having a drink, that I use the spare bedroom, I have tried everything to avoid issues and he is still unhappy with this. More recently he has stated that his father was an alcoholic (which I've always known) and that he hates drunk people, hates me when I've had a drink. While I can understand this, I do refuse to promise to never drink again because I enjoy it socially and I fear this is an element of control.
We split finances straight down the middle, I do all the food shopping, I do all the cooking, laundry, we take equal responsibility for cleaning the house (albeit if I tidy perfectly he does it again, he has stated he has OCD but this is undiagnosed.) I own the car, finance it and do all the driving. I work full time and am studying towards a degree. I have never had any issues with friends or anyone else around my social drinking.
Previously and more recently, I have felt that everything I do gets criticised. This comes in waves over a prolonged period then improves (usually when I've not "done anything" to upset him for a while.) If I am meeting with friends this will turn into a row over whether I am planning to have a drink, I will be called an alcoholic and told that I can't go anywhere without having a drink - this is certainly not the case. He seems to assume that I will be around on hand whenever he is off his shifts to accompany him in everything. Small things are seen as me "neglecting my responsibilities" and things that I care about and take pride in seem to be weaponises against me. I am at the point (and not for the first time) that I tend to feel that not making any plans is just easier to keep the peace. Of course this won't happen because I'll go stir crazy.
All in all I suppose that what confuses me is if he seems to hate me so much and everything I do is so terrible - then why doesn't he leave? I have honestly come to question whether I am in the wrong or right due to his past issues and the fact that I can understand where some of this is coming from, however I get completely lost as to how to respond without allowing myself to be controlled. He generally doesn't "manage" to control me but we go through the same arguments again and again. A recent example is when I went out with my friends, one couple and an older male who is literally twice my age and is friend of friend. Now my husband has no issue with me meeting up with him and openly admits he knows I wouldn't be interested in him (I'm not nor him me!) When we all left dinner we all went to the petrol station then came home and spoke outside for half an hour. Husband said I was late and he knew we'd been outside for some time as he had been tracking me on Google maps! Something I set up because I travel for work and husband panics about it - certainly not so he could track me socially. I have nothing to hide but it's the principle. While he argued over me having been late home, I couldn't help but feel the obvious HUGE issue had been him effectively stalking me. I just feel so bamboozled most of the time now I don't even know where I stand.