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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for some advice on teen DS being left out of friend group

28 replies

Lightsideofthemoon · 16/12/2023 22:25

Finding this situation REALLY difficult. DS has had a group of friends since he was 4- he’s now 15. The boys are all really typical cocky confident teen boys apart from my son, who is quiet and shy. As a result, he’s been dropped and excluded from the group over the last 6 months and he’s been super upset about it and feels really lonely, left out and sad. He can see that they are all together on snap chat etc and just gets really upset.

I do feel really pissed off with how they have treated him and I am also really good friends with the mums and find I am pissed off with them too for their kids excluding behaviour. The latest was him being not invited to his friends birthday when all the rest of them were there. It’s just horrible.

How do I deal with it? I know that by the time they are teens - you can’t tell them who to be friends with - but it feels so harsh. My DS is more immature socially and that has probably got a lot to do with it too - he’s not ready for drinking and parties etc.

Its so tricky - I don’t want to fall out with the women who i have been friends with for over a decade either but I am angry. We al go on holiday together etc so it’s extra tricky.

OP posts:

idontknow54789 · 16/12/2023 22:35

Sorry I don't have any advice but just bumping this for you. I have young boys edit I worry so much about this type of thing in the future

Wolfiefan · 16/12/2023 22:39

Friendship groups change as they get older. Maybe ditch the holidays together. Focus on your child. Build his confidence and encourage him to make new friends. Does he have interests outside of school where he could meet new people?

hopeishere · 16/12/2023 22:40

Is he definitely not being invited? It's not that he is being invited but doesn't want to go? Or was being invited and didn't go so stopped being invited?

Can he try and make some other friends?

I've a 15 year old too so can sympathise!

TheSuggestedAmendment · 16/12/2023 22:42

Exactly the same happened to my DS. He’s on the other side now with new friends but it took about 12 months to get settled.

The old friends were just much more mature (girlfriends, out drinking etc) and DS just wasn’t in that zone. It’s taken a while to accept it.

Original poster

Lightsideofthemoon · 16/12/2023 22:42

@hopeishere its a bit of both. He’s very shy and finds it all very difficult. But it’s also trashed his self esteem. He’s got mates in school - at the moment his confidence is so low he doesn’t feel he can socialise with them out of school

OP posts:

EC22 · 16/12/2023 22:42

You can’t make these boys want to be friends with him.
its a shame for your son, but as long as they aren’t bullying him he should try to move on and find new friends himself.
Theyre different and have grown apart.

Sallycinnamum · 16/12/2023 22:42

Oh OP I wish I had an answer for you but what I will say is I think think this is more common with boys than people think.

My DS is a similar age and had a similar experience in year 7. I find it more difficult to handle than my teenage DD as I sort of expect this behaviour from girls!

All you can do is keep the lines of communication open with him. If he's in year 9/10 at least there's light at the end of the tunnel and he won't ever have to see them again.

Original poster

Lightsideofthemoon · 16/12/2023 22:43

@TheSuggestedAmendment was there anything in particular that helped your son or just time?

OP posts:

comfyoldcardi · 16/12/2023 22:47

I think this is very common. What helped in our case was finding an out of school hobby and making friends there. Joining some lunchtime clubs and other activities at school.
IME there are stages in life where friendship groups and interests change and it is tough, but also a learning experience.

MojoMoon · 16/12/2023 23:01

I think you need to take a step back.

It doesn't sound like they are cruelly bullying him - they just don't wish to hang out with him as much.
They have less in common. It's sad for your son but that happens.

It's not unreasonable to only have chosen friends at a 15th birthday party. This isn't reception where it's a whole class party.
A pity invitation to an event where he isn't really wanted - or where his slower maturity will be apparent - will not be much fun either.

Focus on helping him make new social connections. Don't write off the old friends completely - in a year or two, your son may have caught up in terms of maturity and be back hanging out with them. So I wouldn't go all guns blazing and say anything now that might make that harder.

UsingChangeofName · 16/12/2023 23:16

It is very, very normal for teen friendships to evolve.

It is also very normal for teens to carry on when some, or one of the people invited somewhere choose not to go.
You really can't be angry with other teens, when you have agreed this is what is happening.

The fact you have chosen to build a friendship group around the dc your dc played with when he was 4 is your issue, and not your ds's. You can't let the fact you, as mothers, are friends affect what teens do. They have to all forge their own way in life.

brokenhairclips · 16/12/2023 23:38

This is very common I think. It happened to my son around when he turned 13/14.
At this stage I think it's normal for many boys to start pushing boundaries, as well as getting more into music/ clothes and girls.
My son found that he didn't feel comfortable with them anymore because he didn't share these interests and had different things he wanted to do.

He had friends at school though, just not really the local kids he'd been to primary with.

I explained to my son that I believe it's normal for friends to change in teenage years and that it's better to find your own place with people you feel relaxed with than ever trying to fit in with what isn't you.

Teens often congregate as a large group, but that not everyone feels the need, or wishes to and that it's perfectly fine to not want that.
I was careful to never speak badly about the other children. They had never been hurtful to my son in any way, they just enjoyed different things and because their interests were a bit more generic, ( football) , music, it was normal that in a smaller community they would find a larger group.

Oblomov23 · 16/12/2023 23:46

This is very common and you can't do anything about it. Why are you angry with the other mums? Have you really really thought about this, re what is driving your anger and the fact that this is unreasonable. you can't control the fact that your son is more immature and the group has moved on and they don't wanna be friends with him anymore. You simply cannot control that and you have to accept that. He will find new friends, his niche, his ilk. How you see the mums is your own issue, and must be seen separately.

UsingChangeofName · 17/12/2023 14:46

^Teens often congregate as a large group, but that not everyone feels the need, or wishes to and that it's perfectly fine to not want that.
I was careful to never speak badly about the other children. They had never been hurtful to my son in any way, they just enjoyed different things and because their interests were a bit more generic, ( football) , music, it was normal that in a smaller community they would find a larger group.^

This is all really good advice you could take on board OP.

Battlingon594 · 06/03/2025 15:43

I am going through this exact same thing with my 15 year old son right now! I find it so painful that he could just be so easily discarded by his friends when he’s known them since being a toddler. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong (he just thinks his face doesn’t fit anymore) and is isolating himself further from them. I know a couple of his friend’s mums that I could approach but what’s the point, as you can’t force 15 year olds to be friends. He’s getting on with his hobbies and sports though and I’m proud of him and how he’s coping. I just don’t understand it.
Please tell me it gets less painful (& better) Just feel bad for him 😢

workshy46 · 06/03/2025 15:58

This happened to a boy in my sons friendship group.. my son and one other had no issue with him but it was a motivated two who wanted him out and new people had joined the group that didn't like him. My son was nice to him but could do nothing and I wasn't happy about it at all. He wasn't the leader of the group so could do v little. The other lad made a couple of other friends although I believe he didn't go out with them much outside school. A year later they are now sitting together in one class and my son is having a large party next month and he said hes going to invite him and he talks to him in school. The other boy who had no issue with him is the same. They are 16 and a half now so not so easily lead i think. I think the only thing you can do is encourage him t make other friends.. more hobbies.. be busy outside school and eventually things will settle down. Its v v hard.. I knew the mother but wasn't friends with her but I was genuinely encouraging my son to include hers so that could be happening too.. with little success

Ferrazzuoli · 06/03/2025 16:08

This is so painful OP, for him and for you, but unfortunately it's normal for friendships to evolve and it doesn't sound like the other boys have done anything "wrong" as such. Encourage him to hang out with other boys. Does he have hobbies (eg sport, music, scouts)? They're good for keeping him busy, building his confidence and forming other friendships. I have three teens and tbh I'd say it's rare to go through school without experiencing friendship issues at some point.

If the holidays are including kids as well then I think you have to give them a miss for the moment. It's ok for you to go away with the mums only if you still want to.

Oblomov23 · 07/03/2025 06:51

I'm afraid this is just the norm. He is shy and immature socially. Why is he immature socially though? Work on that. Why would you want him to be friends with his old group is he isn't suited to them? That doesn't make sense. Encourage him to make new friends, similar to himself, is the best bet.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 07/03/2025 07:17

This happened to my dd too at the end of Yr 7, her friends started hanging out with more mature girls who were nothing like dd, and ditched her. It was horrible to see, but she did move on and became friends with a group of (nicer) kids who were all in various ways more socially excluded.

I'd stop going on holidays with them if I were you - they'll be so uncomfortable for your ds. I'd just say to the other mums that as your ds isn't part of their sons friendship group anymore its best you make your own holiday arrangements.

Porcuporpoise · 07/03/2025 07:24

Friendships change. It's unreasonable for you to expect these boys to be friends with your son at 15 just because they were friends at 4 and you are friendly with their mothers.

Of course it's hard to see your ds upset. Reassure him he's not done anything wrong because he hasn't. The truth is though, people move on. Help him find his own tribe. Stop going on holiday with these people.

arcticpandas · 07/03/2025 07:42

He needs to find friends that are more like him. These friends are not good for him anyway because he will feel pushed into drinking, dating while he's not yet ready for all that. Tell him to delete their snapchats so he doesn't have to witness what they're up to and tell him to invite some new friends.

Silentdream · 07/03/2025 07:58

Get him involved in sport outside of school. The social scene at places such as local cricket clubs is fantastic and will help him build up a good network of new contacts and friends.

One of this big issues with today’s younger generation is that technology means they can easily stick to very narrow groups and therefore not cultivate new friendships as easily as they simply don’t come across as many people in real life as used to be the case. Think back to the pre internet and mobile era and people would walk into town and see who was around. You’d walk into a pub and see if there was anyone you knew and would often stop and chat with whoever was there even if they weren’t a close friend. Nowadays everything is far too planned and organised meaning random social encounters are vastly reduced and as a result new friendships are harder to forge.

okright · 07/03/2025 08:00

Find him a course or club to do outside school that can build an interest and show him he can make friends outside that narrow group. Encourage him to speak to other kids

okright · 07/03/2025 08:02

Particularly if it's something cool that will interest new kids. Once they get a tiny bit older they give shy people more time and appreciation and more of them break free from the herd. They find out they were all constrained by the concept of the cool gang. And the cool gang disintegrate.

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 07/03/2025 08:05

Friendships groups change over time. It’s actually more surprising that they made it all the way from 4-15.

It also important to remember that the group change isn’t necessarily because your son is quiet.

My really outgoing son’s friendship group also changed in the same period and he had to set about making new friends within his year.

It can be hard but making new friends is a worthwhile skill to cultivate, he’ll have to do it regularly through his life when he goes to uni, changed jobs, moves locations etc.

Work on building his confidence and encourage focus on other friendships and let go of your anger to the other boys.

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