Im writing this as I need some support for the next few weeks. I posted in this forum for traffic.
I have been with my partner for 6 years, most of which hasnt been great.
At the beginning of the relationship, i was very vunerable and just lost one of my parents. I was displaying the common unhealthy behaviours to cope with it...drinking all the time, getting myself in stupid situations until i met my partner who was kind to me and i fell quickly.
Probably sensing my vunerability, they started to treat me really unkindly. Falling out with me for hours and hours, being violent towards me slapping, kicking, choking, hitting, bruising my arms, pushing me on the side of the road and saying horrible things which you cant even imagine. The most horrible and most upsetting thing for me is that i accepted that, i didnt want to leave and infact i cried to them to make things better. I begged them to stop and stay. That is what makes me feel the most angry towards myself.
Around two years ago, i got the strength to leave. I got my own place and moved, but they followed where i lived and got their family to constanstly call me and tell me to come back. It was non stop and i felt so alone...they promised to see a therapist and too stop. Their family told me to go back and they would help me. I went back again. I feel so stupid.
Things were good for a while but things got progressively worse later, my in laws didnt support me (thats not their fault, they didnt know the truth i guess) and their erractic behaviour continued. I was threatened with a knife, pushed, hit and argued with. I made the stupid decision to give them chance after chance. I felt like i was trapped. I wasnt allowed to have friends, social media and always emotionally messed with and lied too. I am still feeling so confused.
I stupidly believed that getting married would solve things, i was always told that their controlling behaviour was because they cared about me so much and they need to see commitment from my side. On my wedding night, they beat me by hitting my head and face in a drunken rage.
Again, promises to change and risk of losing face, i stayed. I was pushed again a few weeks ago and screamed at for going to some training for my work. I have never been violent back, its not who I am. But when i was pushed, i went into a type of anxiety attack. I couldnt breathe or see clearly. I felt my late parent put their arms around me. I feel like im losing my mind.
I am a shell of the woman I once was. I dont want to have sex, i dont want to be touched by anyone and i am completely numb. I cry but never experience joy. I have found a place to live and escape too. Luckily i have a good job and i know i can rely on some friends. I feel so ashamed for asking my friends and family to attend a wedding for me to be with someone like this. I feel so ashamed to have stayed for so long and finding the strength to leave is so exhausting. I made so many excuses for this person.
I want to know things will get better.