To Ask How To Be Normal?

[SociallyAwkwardAtLife]

I have always been awkward. Socially I feel anxious and never know what to say. I constantly worry what others will think of me and judge me. Never think anything I have to say is good enough.

I'm even ruining my relationship. I read into every action my partner takes and find the negative. I don't know how to stop. And I feel jealous of everyone. Of how they have friends and can enjoy socialising. That they have families that care about them.

I've had counselling and I take antidepressants but neither seems to help. I always feel not good enough in life. I hate how I look. I feel useless at everything I do. Don't feel good enough for anyone.

I just want to be happy. Please help me figure out how I can be happy.

I found cbt helped me with learning how to rationalise my thoughts more and realise that I am who I am and that’s not a bad thing.

Your first paragraph resonates with me. Whilst I didn't believe it would work (thought hypnotherapy was a nonsense) I found the book Positive Habits by Fiona Brennan - along with the accompanying audios - really helped. You don't think it will but after a few weeks you start looking at life from a better perspective and your inner voice is kinder. You're calmer so you're more rational in times of stress. I've read a lot of popular psychotherapy books but this one actually works and isn't ghost written by a celebrity who knows nothing and is just jumping on the wellness bandwagon.

Having experienced several years of psychotherapy with a therapist who worked from an attachment-informed perspective, I think that could be something that could help. It has been transformative for me.

Our earliest experiences of relationships can sometimes leave us with an unspoken but deeply held belief that we are not good enough.

Sometimes we can ourselves see how this might have come about (perhaps when we know our early family relationships were not good ones) but sometimes we can't. Parents can be kind and loving, but a combination of unintended consequences and unforeseen/unavoidable circumstances during childhood and later life can still leave us with these false, but very powerful beliefs about ourselves.

Therapy with the right person (ensure for a start that they are registered with a professional body such as the UKCP or BACP) can really help identify, explore and heal from these things. It can take time to find the right person - as it needs to be someone you feel genuinely comfortable with, and who is able to help you explore your past, not just talk about the present. And it's a gradual process. But it sounds like you've tried other things without success, so could be worth a try?

The fix for me was a string of abusive relationships lol. treated me so bad it finally clicked I don't deserve that shit, had to build my life from scratch in very difficult circumstances. After that I thought wow look what I e achieved!

Think of your achievements? You have a job? Support a house and possibly family? Presumably you don't have a gambling habit or drug habit or cheat on your partner? You are doing very well compared to many. Feeling crap about yourself just wasting your good years