Declared his love

[YellowBrickRood]

I recently left my old job for a new one. I had made some good friends in my previous workplace. One in particular was a male colleague. I knew he had developed feelings for me a couple of months into me working there, but I was in a relationship at the time so he kept a lid on it.

We both have a lot in common, including our music taste and things we like to do in our spare time.

Since my relationship ended, I noticed he was trying to get closer, but I tried to ignore it. I didn't feel the same way for him at all and reminded him regularly that I was glad of his friendship.

However, we had a gig booked in last week and he declared his love for me just before we went in. He held my hand, started getting emotional and told me he loved me and was obsessed with me. I told him I was thankful but that I wasn't in a place where I wanted a relationship right now and I saw him as a friend.

After this, he was very touchy with me which really upset me and made me want to leave.

A few days later he messaged me and I could tell he hadn't understood. So I told him again, but this time very bluntly, that I didn't want a relationship with him because I just saw him as a friend. He then sent me a voice message sobbing, telling me he loved me and again, is obsessed with me, and then went into all the stuff he's done for me like buying me birthday presents. Then he said something that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

He told me he believed we would be in a relationship and that he's not been intimate with anyone for 15 years and had believed he could be intimate with me.

He then said he needed to unfollow me on social media because it hurt to see me.

He came back to me yesterday and said he was processing it all with supportive friends.

However, I have asked him for some space because I am really struggling with how strongly he reacted and the comment about intimacy really made me uncomfortable. He can't quite understand why I need space. He said he wants our friendship to resume and to forget last week even happened.

AIBU here? Should I just let it go and resume our friendship prior to last week? I just feel uncomfortable now.

Thanks.

There is no friendship.

You want a friend. He wants more and will pretend to be a friend so that he can obsess over you.

The friendship is over.

Stay away from him. He sounds dangerous.

Do you even want to be friends with him after all that? I wouldn't.

Why would you want to resume a friendship with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable? That discomfort is your body/brain's way of protecting you.

On one hand, slightly sorry for the guy. Up to a point. On the other, definitely don’t resume your friendship. The feelings he’s describing aren’t your problem, but his behaviour is. He’s gone way too far. Agree he sounds a bit dangerous. It’s not very far from rejected and heartbroken to rejected and angry and bear in mind all this is going on in your absence, you’re not a participant in this fantasy relationship. Your instincts are telling you no way. Listen to them, honestly, what’s the worst that can happen?

No, cut him out of your life in the long run it will be better for both of you, put it to him that you think it will be better for him.

I told him… I wasn't in a place where I wanted a relationship right now and I saw him as a friend.

After this, he was very touchy with me which really upset me and made me want to leave.

He sounds like a total creep and this ^^ along with his use of the words “obsessed with you” makes me think you should make sure you are never ever alone with him.

You don't work with anymore no?

In that case you need to peel yourself away from him completely. Become unavailable asap.

I'd make sure i'd told any mutual friends that his attention was making me uncomfortable.

Look after yourself OP.

I also agree that the way he has gone about this would ruin any friendship for the majority of people i imagine!

There are somethings you can't ''just forget was said''. This is one of them.

If you don't work with him anymore and you've told him you're not interested, I think it's time to block.

OP, take note that the responses would probably have been very different if he'd just said, "I actually really like you. Would you be interested in going out on a date?"

It's his use of the word 'obsessed' that is worrying. A man who is obsessed and not taking no for an answer isn't one you want to spend any time with really. Is it?

That's really scary. I've had this happen a few times with a friend, a neighbor, and a coworker. Those kind of people don't actually care about you, they are either believing they are entitled to you or mentally ill. Both scary! I would show all the messages to HR or file a police report, something to protect yourself. When my neighbor was stalking me I had just had a c-section and couldn't handle much so I didn't call police over many incidences. And when I finally did call the police didn't really care, they said I should have called when he was peeking in my windows so they could catch him in the act. So in my experience it's better to ask for help straightaway and not wait for it to stop because it might get worse.

It's one thing a friend falling for you, it's another to complete overstep boundaries and some of the language he used sounds dangerously obsessed.

I would go zero contact.

I would be very careful. You need to be very low to no contact. Obsessive men can get very unpleasant when they're rejected

I would block him from having any contact with you again. He's not your friend.

He's obsessed with you and you aren't interested in him. You've been polite (repeatedly) and he won't let it go.

No, he’s been told no several times in varying degrees and still overstepped. If you’d said he’d said “I really like you, I’d love to see you in more of a date way” then fine, but to say he’s obsessed and in love? Sounds extreme and like he maybe wouldn’t take no for an answer.