Co sleeping dilemma

[smellmel22]

I'm after opinions from people who have done this and how it ended up.

Dc1 was a great sleeper. In his own room at 8 months old. Rarely needed to come in with me unless sick. And always went back in his own bed without issue. We had a few blips along the way with regressions when he was tiny but he was always great at independent sleeping and now at tween age he's still brilliant.

Dd2 is another story. She's now 2 and has never slept in her own room. She just hated it. Consequently she has a small cot bed in our room which she will drop off in but 95% of the time she wakes up in the middle of the night and gets in our bed. This is ok but she wriggles a lot and we tend to have broken sleep but I've always been of the opinion that no kids are the same and some need that contact at night more than others. Happy to do it.

However I'm wondering if I'm making issues for her later on. She seems to always need to be touching me when she's in our bed, either rubbing my arm or pulling my hair or hand down my top! It's like she needs that reassurance that I'm there. Will she always need this? Is she going to struggle to sleep independently when she's a bit older? Am I doing her no favours by allowing this? I only doubt myself because of how good my first dc was and he never did any of this. It's obviously benefited him (and us) to be an independent sleeper from early on.

So if you co slept did your kids ever manage to sleep alone without issues? If so, when? And was it a struggle to make the transition into their own room? This can't continue forever as she'll soon need a bigger bed which won't fit in our room. Unsure what to do for the best.

Most dc like toys and extras for their rooms. Well mine did!Even at 2. Favourite characters from tv or books etc. Does she like any theme you could utilise for the room?

Has she been in her room and screamed?

Totally agree. My boy is 4 and Autistic and needs me most nights. My daughter started sleeping alone around 6. It works for us. No need to force them grow up quickly. Also most adults enjoy partner next to them. Same principle imho

My 3 year old sleeps in with me as does his 15 month sibling. He was in with us for a while, about 18-20 months then was in his room for about 6 months (although we usually ended up in his room with him!) then he got quite good until he had a bad nightmare and has refused to go in his room since. It's been 6 months now. He likes to be close and I am just soaking it up for now. I know so many who co slept and they will eventually want their own room. I wouldn't worry.

Yes she went to sleep ok but when she woke up in the night and realised she was alone she was inconsolable. I couldn't leave her and she'd probably wake my other dc up crying too. At the moment she'll go down about 7 in her cot bed in our room, we then have a few hours before we go to bed which we usually do without waking her. But 9/10 she will wake up around midnight or the early hours and cry to come into bed with us.

Agree about the toys etc in her room. We've made her a lovely room but she's still too young to understand why she has to be in there alone.

We have 5 kids. Co slept with them all but now they are all independently sleeping (except the youngest). They all went into own beds at about 2. We have no issues now at all.

@smellmel22 not sure why you're giving the time of day to the only unsupportive comment when you asked for other poster's co-sleeping experience/duration love. Don't justify yourself to this person. They appear to have a very narrow view/experience, and they have done the opposite.

This was my daughter until she was 2.5. We got a very gentle sleep consultant (no tears at all) in at that point and got her comfortable falling asleep in her own room which was the big change (she wasn't waking up scared). Prior to that I would have to sit with her while she went to sleep for hours sometimes and she would be in our bed by midnight. I'd really recommend this as the change has been incredible, it was expensive but worth every penny!

@HVPRN If you mean me, I thought the OP and me were having a conversation. That’s presumably allowed? If you just want everyone to agree then it’s a bit of a one sided conversation!

Many of us have had clingy dc. Cried inconsolably at nursery when I left and cried for hours with baby sitters. We barely went out in 2 years. Didn’t eat food until she was 19 months old. Didn’t go to bed until 10pm. I’m well aware not all dc are the same but I cannot say I enjoyed my DD at this time. I deeply resented her! Boarding school for toddlers would have suited me fine. When everyone says it is just fine and you would do anything for dc, I actually didn’t want to. So at times dd had to cry. It was all too much. Lasting issues? None. But I needed my life back. Adults are all different too!

I am really grateful for all of the reassuring replies. At this stage I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am concerned that I'm just prolonging these clingy sleeping habits and possibly making it worse for the future. But it's good to know that so many others have been there before me and that their dc came through it.

I'm grateful for all perspectives really. Some people won't agree with it. My family often tell me I just need to get her in her own room. But it's not them listening to her cry in the middle of the night waking the rest of the house up in the process.

It's actually not fairly well documented and SIDS rates are lowest/virtually nonexistent in countries that co-sleep.

I'd suggest you're posting because you don't like it so try to change things maybe?

My friend still co-sleeps with her almost 12 year old son because he simply won't sleep alone... I'm sure it's just a habit now.

A relative of mine still allows their DS13 to sleep with a parent every night. He has his own bed but will always get in with parents and one or the other leaves to get in child’s bed to get a decent nights sleep. 13!!!

Hi, yes.

"I'm after opinions from people who have done this and how it ended up" - OPs opening line.

You haven't co-slept you see, & there is so much emotional trauma and ACEs to unpick for yourself and your child's early years by the sounds of it.

TBH, co-sleeping/or sharing a room sounds exactly what both of you needed. However you did the best that you could with the support and information that was available to you at the time. Take care.

The nhs has extensive advice on when it’s not safe. I’m going to believe them.

Yes and the issue isn't co-sleeping it is all the other risk factors.

We had our daughter in a co-sleeping cot next to the bed until she went into her own room at around 2, and then she slept in a double bed and one of us would sleep in with her. Sometimes we'd wake up and go into our own room, sometimes not. We took turns so that each of us got an uninterrupted sleep every other night. She's six now and has been sleeping through on her own pretty reliably since she was 3-4.

I remember her doing the snuggling/wriggling/ touching. It's totally normal and she will grow out of it. But as plenty of people have said on here, you don't have to keep doing it if it's not working for you.

It's very normal for a child to want to sleep with their parents. Parents represent safety and it's only relatively recently in our evolution as a society that the biggest risk babies faced was having a parent roll on them during sleep, as opposed to being carried off by a predator or freezing to death. It's not weird or clingy. That doesn't mean anyone has to co-sleep, mind you, but it's a natural thing for a baby to want.

I said I was not co-sleeping with my second child...that lasted exactly a night! He just would not settle in a cot. With some babies everyone just gets more sleep with co-sleeping (we followed the guidelines).

So we co-slept for years and then he moved happily to his own bed. I can’t remember exactly when...maybe around 5-7 years old?

There are no safety issues co-sleeping safely with a 2 year old (same for most babies too) and all of them out grow it.

There are entire cultures that cosleep and many of us who took too to meet our child’s needs. Mine are well past it now and what lovely snuggly memories we all have. We did but a big bed. That was the only change I would have made earlier.

I hear you worrying you are getting it wrong but from my viewpoint you are getting g it right.

I loved co sleeping. When they eventually moved into their own bedroom, we had the same ritual every night which ended in story telling while holding hands. They would go to sleep in their room but wake up about 11pm to come back in our room. I then got a gro-clock that changes colour when it's ok for your child to get up or, in our case, come into our room again.
The grow clock was initially set to 3 am and we also did a sticker chart - a streak of 5nights staying in their bed until the gro clock says it's ok meant a trip to the local charity shop or poundstretcher, where they could pick something. Once that worked we just kept changing the gro clock to a later time.

Like you OP I had one great sleeper and one who would only sleep next to me. They are both secondary school age now. My co-sleeper began to sleep on his own all night around age 3.5. I used to stay with him until he went to sleep but this stopped being necessary. Both have slept absolutely fine in their own rooms for years. I miss the days of having a co-sleeping toddler now.

We’ve co-slept with both of ours, our daughter (2) still sleeps in our bed, but goes to bed alone. We’re away this weekend and Grandma is babysitting for us, they’ll both sleep fine alone. Personally OP I don’t take parenting advice from people who don’t like their children and see them as an inconvenience.

I co slept with my first one for an easy life. He slept, we slept so I didn’t bother changing it to make things harder. He did eventually move into his own room once he could understand (probably around 3?) and sleeps perfectly fine now aged 8. He’s not damaged in any way either…my sister was adamant he would always be clingy because of it but that isn’t the case. I didn’t see the problem with it if everyone was happy and sleeping!

I am now co sleeping with DC2 and 3 for the same reason. Hopefully they will into their own rooms just as easily when the time comes.

Struggling to find anything about bedsharing with a 2 year old being unsafe @TizerorFizz can you point us in the right direction? The NHS is all about safe bedsharing guidance at any age these days from what I can see.

OP I'm where you are with a 2 year 8 month old in my bed, they do go to sleep in their room now (sonetimes alone!) but 95% of time come in by about 2am. I know one day it will stop as we have glimmers occasionally with a sleep through.
I'm a bit fed up of the pins and needles from being contorted around them but so many of parent friends are in the same position I know its normal

There's also loads of evidence that bedsharing into adulthood is good for your sleep and mental health. I personally do not find this to be the case, me and DP disturb each other, but the evidence is there!