Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband not coming home until early hours

27 replies

wintervibes23 · 16/12/2023 17:24

Hi everyone. I'm just wondering if I am BU here or overeacting.

So a few months ago my husband popped dates in our family calendar for nights out. There was a few (4 in December) but to be honest his line of work, the fact a lot of his friends live abroad and come home for Christmas and then his hobby I didn't mind.

Last night he went out and didn't come home until 6am. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with this.

We have 3 children and although they're not babies they're all under 12. There was no communication from him all evening and he thinks this is fine and because we had no plans made for today there was no need to leave early. I would have expected him home around 2/3 if he'd of stayed for last orders and then trying to get a cab.

Im not cross about the time he got home at Im annoyed about the fact he thinks it's ok to come home whenever he feels like it and he knew I was home with the kids hence why he didn't feel the need to call/text to let me know.

I argued back along the lines about how I went out with my friends recently, text him mid evening to let him know how my night was and what train I was getting home and whilst I had a few glasses of wine I got up with the kids the next morning and brought them to school but apparently it's difference as I'm a woman and he'd worry about me.

He's out again next week again and next week is what he's called the big night so god knows what time he will come home at.
I know people here will mention drugs other women but I genuinely dont think it's that I think he just binges when he goes out because he doesn't drink any other time.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

crumblingschools · 16/12/2023 17:28

How much parenting does he do?

Original poster

wintervibes23 · 16/12/2023 17:30

He does his fair share with the kids so I can't complain

OP posts:

Allthatglittersisntart · 16/12/2023 17:31

Yanbu. Does he have time blindness or something(I read about that with ADHD)? If not that is just inconsiderate. I assume the whome of the next day he wont be able to take care of dcs

survivalmodemum · 16/12/2023 17:32

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. My DH did this once, no communication since the afternoon, his phone died then he rocked up home at 5.30am.

I woke up at 4am then spent an hour frantically trying to get a hold of him. I think it’s massively disrespectful and safe to say he got an earful and hasn’t done that again.

Nothing wrong with going out and enjoying yourself. But don’t be a dick and come home at that time without having the decency to get in touch.

ectoone · 16/12/2023 17:34

You haven't said where he was?

GodDammitCecil · 16/12/2023 17:35

Absolutely nothing wrong with going out and having a good time.

Staying out until 6am without getting in touch is not OK.

BackAgain2023 · 16/12/2023 17:36

Where was he until 6am? Pubs in my nearest city shut at 12am. Obviously there are night clubs but usually just full of under 25s and even they shut at 3am.

thedamnseason · 16/12/2023 17:38

I think it's fine to agree together what the plan is if he's staying out later than expected. Do you want him to call and potentially wake you up? Or text so you see the message if you do wake up?

I don't think setting another adult a curfew is needed.

If it's not a regular thing and he's otherwise fully involved in family life and does his bit then I can't see a huge issue tbh. If I want to stay out late I will, but I would let my partner know.

Original poster

wintervibes23 · 16/12/2023 17:38

They went for dinner, drinks and then ended up back in someone's house. They're a small team

OP posts:

thedamnseason · 16/12/2023 17:39

BackAgain2023 · 16/12/2023 17:36

Where was he until 6am? Pubs in my nearest city shut at 12am. Obviously there are night clubs but usually just full of under 25s and even they shut at 3am.

There's usually at least one place in most towns that everyone ends up if they want to carry on. They're usually fucking awful but I've been in ours a good few times.

BackAgain2023 · 16/12/2023 17:39

Fair enough. It is quite rude that he didn't get in touch but if he doesn't make a habit of it then I'd just leave it. Explain you were worried and just one message to check in would be great.

Ghentsummer · 16/12/2023 17:40

I wouldn't be accepting the sexist bullshit about him not wanting you to behave the same way because you're a woman and he would be worried. If he's allowed to piss off with zero communication and then do fuck all with the kids in the morning then so are you. So do that next time.

thedamnseason · 16/12/2023 17:45

Ghentsummer · 16/12/2023 17:40

Edited

Yes, absolutely that's a complete double standard I wouldn't be putting up with.

DaizenShine · 16/12/2023 17:49

My man did this last night. He doesn't even know when he got home but it couldn't have been earlier than 5am anyway! We have a 6 month old so haven't had help with her yesterday and obviously none today as he's in a condition still! I don't mind a single bit though. He doesn't go out much, and he does his fair share with the baby any other time. Plus I've said it's my turn for a (bottle of) prosecco tonight and he has the baby tomorrow.

Sugarsun · 16/12/2023 18:21

Why do you need to know what time he’s coming back?

You expected him to be home about 3 and he came home about 6.

Its not like you expected him to be home by 9pm and he didn’t come back until 6am.

He’s not a child and should not need a curfew.
He shouldn’t need to text you during the night either.

If he said he’d be home at 2am but wasn’t home until 4am then you’d get worried (like all of the other threads today) and I don’t think it’s s good idea.

MILTOBE · 16/12/2023 18:28

How old is he? I think if they went back to someone's house and stayed out until that hour it's very likely there were drugs involved.

thedamnseason · 16/12/2023 21:31

MILTOBE · 16/12/2023 18:28

How old is he? I think if they went back to someone's house and stayed out until that hour it's very likely there were drugs involved.

Not necessarily. I can stay out late without drugs. Not too often but I can.

Of course it's possible that posters always jump to that conclusion, or they're cheating.

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 21:37

I think it's disrespectful not to let you know he intends to come home later.

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 16/12/2023 21:41

Stop being controlling bullies.

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 21:45

Who is being a controlling bully?

Ablondiebutagoody · 16/12/2023 22:19

I don't get it. You say you aren't cross about the time he gets home........but you seem to be really cross about the time he gets home.
It's party season, he's put them in the calender, there's nothing major going on the next day, and it's not always possible to predict how the night out will unfold. I think that you are being unreasonable trying to control this.

Cosycover · 16/12/2023 22:32

Hard to stay up drinking till 6am without coke tbh.

I'd be pissed off because he has another night planned. If it was a one off I wouldn't mind.

Maddy70 · 16/12/2023 22:45

I honestly couldn't get too worked up by this. Its a Christmas night out. It's not happening every week

Riverstep · 16/12/2023 22:59

I can stay out till 0600am without drugs being involved so I wouldn’t be jumping to that conclusion. I’d expect a text to say it will be a late one, that’s just manners. I text my dp if I’m not going to be home till that time. So I’d expect the same in return.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/12/2023 13:40

Book a night in a hotel and don't tell him

Breeze in the following morning and see if he finds it acceptable

Flip

1 2