To be at wits end with 3 year old

[Thebeginingoftheend]

Ds is almost 3. However, he has a genetic condition, which causes developmental delay, and he's possibly autistic. He cannot walk yet, non verbal and doesn't have understanding really. I'm only mentioning this as I don't know if it's relevant or if this is just toddler behaviour.

He won't leave his sister whose 14 months alone. She's not allowed to play with anything, if she has something he'll take it off her and throw it.

He'll hit her and push her over for no reason. She's covered in bruises where he's thrown things at her. He's just releventless.

I've tried everything. I've been calm, I've been stern, I've put him in time out, I've separated them, I've tried to distract him but nothing works and I'm at the end of my tether and have no idea what to do.

Please don't judge me I love my children and I'm trying to do my best but I feel out of my depth so can anyone please recommend something to try and stop this between my son and daughter.

Thank you

If she’s covered in bruises due to him you really need to try harder to keep them apart or keep things that can cause harm away from him. It’s not malicious, he doesn’t understand what he’s doing because of his special needs but your daughter needs to be protected from him. Can you use a playpen to separate them?

I honestly try my best to keep them separate but we live in a small new build and I don't think a playpen would even fit.

He throws anything so its hard to keep it away.

I get what you're saying though and thank you for replying. I'm trying to protect my daughter which is why I've posted this here to see if anyone had any ideas or anything I might not have tried.

This sounds really stressful for you. I feel for you and both of your children. Your daughter should absolutely not be covered in bruises though. What support are you and your children getting from the LA?

If you've no room for a playpen then gate off a room? I remember we had to do this in a holiday cottage once. Some way of physically separating the two kids is definitely the best short term solution.

Have you contacted: Early Help; Home Start; Portage? Plus Google "your local authority name" plus "local offer" to see if there are local charities or organisations that might help.

I shouldn't have said covered in bruises. Sorry, I just meant she's getting bruises from him, so she has one on her head and a couple on her arms.

We don't have help from the local LA. We have a community padatrician, but they aren't seeing him again until after he's had his autism assessment which could be another two years.

Nursery are good and are getting a echp in place but that doesn't really help at home.

We've had portage in the past and they've allocated a specialist teacher but nothing more.

I'll have a look and see what help is available.

Do you have a partner? If so, and certainly at the weekends, another tactic would be take one child each as much as possible.

Your DS must be extremely frustrated if he can't walk or communicate. Does he use Pecs or anything like that? Does he find anything regulating - being in water? Sand? Being outside? Swings? Chewing? Music? Tight clothes? Jumping on piles of cushions?

If there's something - do it a lot!

I have an ASC child but totally different needs. She did give me and DH quite a few bruises when she was younger though. Tag teaming, house proofing, gates, locks, throwable stuff behind sofa or on high shelves - we did a lot of that.

She's turned into a decent footballer...

Does your eldest get 1:1 time with you?
Try and give as much 1:1 as you can. Might be lashing out at the baby sibling for coming along and taking mummy's time away....just a thought

You need a handyman to create a partition of some sort. Look at extendable dog gates. They are taller than toddler gates but work in exactly the same way. My sister had one to keep her dog sectioned off in her kitchen. You just need a safe partition for when you can't be hands on.

If he is developmentally delayed and has limited language then his understanding of cause and effect will be minimal, therefore being stern/time out will have no effect. If he throws or hits then a clear and consistent ‘no’ accompanied by a sign. Otherwise for the time being you will have to be monitoring them to prevent him harming her. Exhausting I know, but he is not being malicious. Will she go in a sling?
Have you tried teaching him how to positively interact with he? Showing him how to touch gently, giving him two things and showing him how to give her one, then copious praise and rewards for the right behaviour.