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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get upset with my partner's mother?

39 replies

Anawana · 16/12/2023 00:41

Just to preface this, my partner warned me/talked about his mother's difficult personality and abuse on many occasions before. She's always been sweet with me so this was the first time I had a glance at that ugly side of her.

We are spending Christmas with my partner's parents this year. We planned that we'd go to their house on Christmas Eve, stay over and come back on Boxing Day.

Today we received a call from my partner's mother. She tells us that we need to be at my partner's sister's house at 10am on Christmas Eve as they were going to leave home early and the sister wanted us to see his niece open her gifts. It is over an hour journey so we'd need to wake up at 8am to get ready and leave. We were a bit taken aback as the mother already confirmed we'd come with the sister without checking with us first, also didn't like having to wake up that early as we both had such busy time at work recently and also are back to work straight after Christmas. So we said that we could get there for 11am as we wanted that extra hour of sleep.

She started getting so upset saying things like 'Go to bed early so you can wake up early for god's sake!!', 'I told her you'd come. It's important for her so it's important for me!!!' I told her to ask them to leave 1 hour later if they wanted to see us (they didn't have a time sensitive plan) and she told me to 'shut up'. At the end she played the whole thing as a light hearted joke but she was very demanding and borderline shouting at times... We settled on going there at 11am but I'm quite upset with the whole thing.

Were we being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 00:58

Good god who thinks you are unreasonable!

SheSaidHummingbird · 16/12/2023 01:27

@pikkumyy77 The MIL

LeaveBritneyAlone · 16/12/2023 01:29

Nope. Uh-uh. Non. Nein. I would not be tolerating this bossing around shit as an adult. My mum does this kind of thing and whilst it is an art putting your foot down, it’s absolutely crucial in retaining your sanity

Greenpolkadot · 16/12/2023 05:18

Why is your niece opening gifts on Christmas Eve ?

Ragwort · 16/12/2023 05:24

Doesn't sound like you are going to have a very relaxing Christmas... I would be reconsidering my plans if anyone spoke to me like that.
Is your DP's DM going to be structuring every aspect of the visit?
Can't you change the timing 'it would be so much nicer for you to spend quality time with your DGD ... we'll join you all later at tea time'.

PaminaMozart · 16/12/2023 05:25

Greenpolkadot · 16/12/2023 05:18

Why is your niece opening gifts on Christmas Eve ?

Well, it's not exactly unusual, depending on ethnicity or where they are - but in the morning???

GreatGateauxsby · 16/12/2023 05:38

Honestly, if you and your DP go the distance this woman might still be knocking around in your 60s /70s or even 80s😱

Set your stall out now and let her get on with tantruming now...
And if she's a dick over Christmas consider cutting the visit short and leaving boxing day morning.

Ilikewinter · 16/12/2023 05:42

Well shes showing her true colours now . Id agree with other PP, put your foot down now and don't let her walk all over you. Yes it might cause some initial upset as I imagine the MIL won't like being told no - but if you dont nip it in the bud now your in for a lifetime of pain!

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 16/12/2023 05:56

I wouldn't dwell on this personally, MIL is just being a brat who, as a matriarch type, thinks she can tell everyone what to do. I'd just turn up late and say "we did tell you we were having a slow morning". If she gets stroppy, "it's Christmas and we are now here, is this really an issue?"

RedHelenB · 16/12/2023 06:57

8 am isn't that early to wake up. I wouldn't have made it an issue in the first place, but MIL does sound a bit bossy

Justleaveitblankthen · 16/12/2023 07:32

No luv, not happening (even if I was sat around watching Telly the rest of the time - let alone being as busy as you are!)

She would be told in clear terms that not only would that not be happening, but that I have now decided I would rather spend the day at home.
My DP wouldn't have a hope in persuading me otherwise either.

She can try again next year if she likes? 😈

Reugny · 16/12/2023 07:35

RedHelenB · 16/12/2023 06:57

8 am isn't that early to wake up. I wouldn't have made it an issue in the first place, but MIL does sound a bit bossy

The OP made it clear why 8am was an issue for them.

Regardless the OP needs to put firm boundaries in place now.

Unabletomitigate · 16/12/2023 07:43

Partner's sister is probably not thrilled about everyone coming over. Her child is not entertainment for the rest of the family.

Holly60 · 16/12/2023 07:43

It sounds to me like she got in a panic because her DD had specified what time she wanted you and MIL was worried she was going to be annoyed.

I think like many of us women we subconsciously let other women make the plans and sort of expect the men in our lives will go along with it (in her case her DD told her what time her DS was expected to arrive and she went along with it)

Then her DDIL (quite rightly) put her foot down and the dynamic was changed somewhat.

She then reacted over the top and became bossy and domineering. By the end of the conversation she'd realised what she'd done and tried to backtrack and smooth it over.

Stand your ground, arrive when you said you'd arrive. If she is gracious and lovely you can forget all about it as a momentary blip of hers. If she is grouchy and holding a grudge then you can speak to your DH about what to do.

I think the reshuffle of family dynamics to include DDILs and DSILs can be tricky and everyone needs to be able to let some things go and communicate over the important stuff.

Also - it might be quite nice to arrive (at the time you have decided obviously) with a small 'thanks for hosting' gift for your DSIL, just to smooth that one over 😜

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 16/12/2023 08:01

If this is the first time she's done this with you, I'd see it as a warning. You now know first hand how she can react when things don't go her way. Now, at the start is where you draw your line. "That doesn't work for us, we will be there at 11am". Allow the tantrum, reiterate the point. If she's got away with bossing people around before, she'll think she can do it with you too. Make it clear that she can't, without being stubborn or obtuse about it.

QueSyrahSyrah · 16/12/2023 08:08

@Holly60 Thats a really interesting point and rings true. If my MIL and SIL had made an arrangement like that, 100% my DH would just go along with it, without any real thought as to if it actually works for us. It would be me (like the OP) that puts the cat among the pigeons and says 'hold up, no, that's not convenient'.

Good on you for sticking firm OP.

Mazuslongtoenail · 16/12/2023 08:15

Well I’m clearly outnumbered in my opinion but getting up at 8am to suit other family members’ plans over Christmas doesn’t sound like a big deal at all to me.

And no, I’m not a walkover. I just see it that when you have family meet ups someone (usually the host) makes a decision as what is happening and then people turn up. Obviously it needs to be practical but getting up at 8am is not a reason for others to accommodate imo.

ColleenDonaghy · 16/12/2023 08:16

Is the SIL driving you to MIL's?

ChaToilLeam · 16/12/2023 08:20

Never mind whether it is reasonable or not to get up at 8am, I would NOT tolerate another adult telling me to “shut up”.

Tell her NEVER to speak to you like that ever again.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 16/12/2023 08:25

ChaToilLeam · 16/12/2023 08:20

Never mind whether it is reasonable or not to get up at 8am, I would NOT tolerate another adult telling me to “shut up”.

Tell her NEVER to speak to you like that ever again.

This is what made my jaw drop. Shut up?? You're a capable adult and I wouldn't be putting up with that nonsense for a second. What has your partner said about all this?

bartbert235 · 16/12/2023 08:29

How old is the Neice. Could it be SIL wants to work round naps and routine, for example if you get there at 11.30 it could be the start of her two hour nap.

WillowTit · 16/12/2023 08:30

obviously she was stroppy but why did you have to even be there?

Original poster
Anawana · 16/12/2023 08:35

8am is early for us. We have very busy schedules and wanted a lay in on that day. Regarless though, I was more upset about the dictating and bossing around part.

Re the 'shut up'. My partner and I were both on the phone and his mother on speaker. Whenever my partner suggested an alternative arrangement it met with a 'shut up' and my partner looked unfazed (guessing that's how she speaks with him when I'm not around). I then suggested that 1 hour later turn up, she told me the same thing (shut up) in the same tone. I told her not to talk to me like that and that we won't be coming over earlier than 11. She continued her tantrum but when she realised she won't be able to change my mind we settled on that and she tried to play everything and the tension as a light hearted joke.

OP posts:
Marmiteidea · 16/12/2023 08:37

Ah difficult families and they are not just for Christmas.

From experience I had to learn how to live with discomfort and then learn how to set boundaries in that order. Boundaries are personal challenges to these types of personality. When you set them in their eyes you are doing it to hurt them so you have to become an expert at it. Guilting and shaming and manipulation are the boundary breakers of choice usually. Good luck it is utterly exhausting. They don’t change either. Ours has been in therapy for years and years and hasn’t addressed any of her own stuff in any way.

TiptoeTess · 16/12/2023 08:39

The point at which she told you both to shut up would be the point I decided to have Christmas at home this year. That’s a boundary firmly breached for me.

Go and get some nice M&S food in, have all the lie ins you want and tell her you’re not coming and won’t come in the future until she stops being so badly behaved.