Is it unreasonable to encourage DD in these circumstances?

[ScreamSquad]

DD is 12. She has hidden disabilities (ASC and some minor co ordination difficulties); although she has high support needs due to her ASC and co morbid anxieties.

DD is homeschooled because she could not attend MS school and her MH was impacted. This is relevant to the situation.

DD’s special interest has always been dance and rhythmic movement. As a result, she has become very good at gymnastics and is good enough to compete for the team. However, her anxiety, her need to de compress , her need for solitude and such like, means she has never been able to compete at the level she is capable of because she can not commit to the gruelling schedules. All fine. DD is happy , I am happy. Her team coaches do occasionally become frustrated at DDs lack of “hunger for competition” because they see the mask, not the difficulties, so they don’t understand how difficult it is for her. I advocate her boundaries.

The club has been hugely beneficial for DD as it’s her only social outlet, she mixes with her peers and the physical activity keeps her regulated. She usually attends 3-4 times per week and she enjoys it.

The club breaks up for Christmas next week for 2 weeks. Tonight, DD did not feel up to going to training. All fine. She then said she didn’t want to attend a particular day next week (a conditioning type session). All fine.

However, this evening , she has now said she does not want to attend this Sunday’s session; this session is the last of it’s type for the season and is the most important of the week.

I have explained to her that whilst I understand she may need a break, I strongly encourage her to attend, especially as she is missing the other sessions and the activity will be off for two weeks. I made it clear that whilst I would like her to go because I feel it will be beneficial for her, that the decision is ultimately hers.

However, that I need to know her decision so I can plan my day and not get up unreasonably early to ferry her to training, for her to decide last minute that she is not going. I asked her to explain why she didn’t want to go but she just said because it’s coming up to the holidays (nothing changes with training, it’s the same even in the run up to holidays).

DD then said she’ll go but has stomped off to her room, complaining I don’t listen to her, that I never let her have a break and that she feels pressured. DD puts immense pressure on herself and often perceives situations differently to others, but this is not how I want her to feel.

AIBU in how I handled this? Where is the line between forcing, encouragement and not being bothered?

Please be kind. I am struggling with how to parent a child who sees the negative and feels the pressure in everything they or I do. I’m winging it (and terribly). I’m hoping for advice, not a character assassination.

TIA.

I think this isn't really so much about the gymnastics as something else that's playing on her mind and using up her bandwidth. I don't think it's unreasonable to need to know in advance what she wants to do.

Thank you @Arosebyanyname I think that is a possibility, it’s very difficult to find out what may be bothering her.

I do think with some children it is helpful sometimes to strongly encourage them out of their comfort zones, ie to challenge them to expand what they do because otherwise their world can become very small and ruled by anxiety over the unknown. As you quite rightly say the difficulty is to know how much and when to push them out into the world so they learn that change is ok, a certain amount of unknown can be coped with and with more experiences , there is less that is unknown.. When one of my DC was younger I did this much much more .Recently did this again for great work experience opportunity as an older teen although took about 10 months to get them to agree. And walking them to the company from the train station felt exactly the same as trying to get them to school on a non-uniform day many years before, so many questions about exactly what it would be like, lots of anger about why work experience was needed. I wondered if I’d pushed too hard. Afterwards they were full of how amazing it was and it has just featured in their uni application personal statement. Sometimes as parents we do know more about the world.

In your particular case it’s hard to say because your Dd is 12 and knows what she’s going to, maybe she just needs some downtime at this end of the season. Maybe she needs to learn what it’s like to not go and miss it for a longer break. It doesn’t seem from what you’ve said to be too high stakes either way. If she didn’t want to go back after Christmas though because she’d missed some sessions that would be much more of an issue if it’s her main socialising.