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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He checks my phone but won't let me see his

23 replies

NaviSprite · 15/12/2023 20:04

AIBU for being increasingly suspicious of my DH due to a change in his behaviour?

Prior to this year he and I were pretty relaxed about the other using our phone or handing our phones over to show silly videos or if we wanted an opinion on something we'd read (because it was quicker to read than have each other read it out loud). We've been together nearly 11 years.

Around July he decided to snoop on my phone behind my back and I've caught him twice trying to do it since (though he denies it was his intent) and he has randomly accused me of seeing other men a couple of times though this is preposterous and he knows it.

Since then he has kept his phone on him at all times - I didn't think much of it until yesterday when he was asking my opinion on a conversation he'd had with his friend so as usual I held my hand out to read the messages. He quickly pulled the phone towards himself and said 'no' then went on to read what he had said to his friend.

This is all very unusual behaviour from him and I can't help but feel suspicious, AIBU?

OP posts:
Originalusername89 · 15/12/2023 20:07

Huge red flag - sorry OP

echt · 15/12/2023 20:07

Change your access code and re-set it to a very short period for staying open. Then when he asks you why, tell him what you've said here.

NaviSprite · 15/12/2023 20:12

I feared as much 😢

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 15/12/2023 20:13

Nobody has a right to look at your phone. Ask him to stop. If he won't, change the PIN code.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 20:13

Your husband is cheating on you.

Olika · 15/12/2023 20:13

Sounds like he is cheating

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 15/12/2023 20:16

He’s deflecting.

zeibesaffron · 15/12/2023 20:20

This is deflecting behaviour- I will accuse you of doing something (you clearly aren’t) so I can get away with it!

Change your phone pin as a start!

bananablues · 15/12/2023 20:21

He is (probably) cheating & trying to cover his tracks by making it all about you.

Densol57 · 15/12/2023 20:25

Im really sorry OP
He is totally projecting.
He is cheating, hence in the forefront of his mind and accusing you to deflect from his own behaviour.
Its a classic sign
Sorry its just before Christmas - hope no kiddies involved 😢

Nagado · 15/12/2023 20:29

I agree with previous posters. A change of behaviour surrounding phone use is suspect. Coupled with him accusing you of messing about makes it doubly suspicious.

Having said that, it could still be completely innocent. It doesn’t have to mean that he’s having an affair. There could be other reasons why he’s suddenly behaving like this. But I think it’s something you do need to be aware of. Has anything else changed? Like his work patterns? Is he taking the dog out for long walks suddenly? Do you have full access to bank statements and itemised phone bills? Anything you don’t recognise on there?

NaviSprite · 15/12/2023 20:42

@Nagado unfortunately he doesn't willingly share his statements and has control over most of our money 😣

He has started going out more with work friends and I thought that was just him reclaiming a bit of a personal life after a few years struggling with that. I want to speak to him about it all but he has a tendency to get very defensive.

OP posts:
Ktime · 15/12/2023 20:45

Are they joint accounts? Don’t tell him but go to your bank and see how you can regain access by changing passwords or getting online log in.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 15/12/2023 20:49

Get your ducks in a row. Try and get the details of the finances, see a solicitor. Say NOTHING to him while you do that. Do not give him the opportunity to hide stuff. Then confront. He's 100% having an affair.

loudbatperson · 15/12/2023 21:01

I would prepare for the worst. I wouldn't actually say anything though until you have details of finances etc.

So sorry

PepsiMarx · 15/12/2023 21:07

Cheaters be cheatin

Nagado · 15/12/2023 21:15

Oh love, it doesn’t sound good. It could still be innocent, but even if it is, you not having equal control over your money is something that needs to change.

If you were my friend I’d advise you to stay very quiet for now. Just until you’ve got access to the cash. Don’t give him the chance to hide anything. Tell him you’re worried about what would happen if he got hit by a bus; you’d be left without cash and not even knowing how much cash you had or what bills needed paying and when. Open up an account of your own and siphon off some cash in there as quick as you can. Make yourself an appointment at a sexual health clinic. Make a solicitor’s appointment so you know where you stand legally in the event you leave him. Do you have any support around you?

Testina · 15/12/2023 21:19

has control over most of our money 😣

how has that come about?

GreatGateauxsby · 15/12/2023 21:20

I came on to say don't marry this arsehole but can see I am too late....

So...
Do NOT have children with him.
Get on very reliable contraception and ideally be using condoms in case he is cheating on you. Which is a very real possibility based on his behaviour.

This behaviour is not okay, not normal and you should really be asking why you think this is acceptable behaviour.

NaviSprite · 15/12/2023 21:52

@Testina I had a mental breakdown after our son passed away so it's been a long slow crawl back to regaining my sense of self and my ability to plan or maintain finances so he took over a few years ago.

OP posts:
hellsBells246 · 15/12/2023 21:56

NaviSprite · 15/12/2023 21:52

@Testina I had a mental breakdown after our son passed away so it's been a long slow crawl back to regaining my sense of self and my ability to plan or maintain finances so he took over a few years ago.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your son. Take good care of yourself 💐

Abbimae · 15/12/2023 21:57

Guilty conscience

coldcallerbaiter · 15/12/2023 22:01

Follow him when he goes out, have a friend do it.

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