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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want forgiveness?

19 replies

jeelouise · 14/12/2023 23:53

I'm a 31 year old woman. At 19 years old I made the worst decision of my life and slept with my childhood best friends partner whilst she was pregnant. It all came out, our families and friends found out and I honestly think it was the biggest learning experience I've ever gone through.

I regret what I did immensely, I have apologised over and over but I understand what I did was unforgivable, especially at that stage in her life. I have no excuses apart from drink and drugs and trauma and being so incredibly selfish that I didn't care about anyone but myself.

I'm 31 now, and with my partner who isn't from here. Whenever we go out or to the pub, my old friend always causes a scene. I don't know what to do now going forward. I have explained the situation to him but can tell he finds it all off and I don't blame him.

AIBU

OP posts:

ChanelNo19EDT · 14/12/2023 23:55

You have the right to forgive yourself. It was 12 years ago. You wouldn't do it now.

But it sounds like holding on to the anger is part of who yr x friend is now. I'd go to a different pub.

Ponoka7 · 14/12/2023 23:57

Can't you avoid her?

Arightoldcarryabag · 14/12/2023 23:58

Avoid.
You cannot expect nor do you deserve forgiveness from this person.
This person owes it to themselves to let it go and as a previous poster says, you should forgive yourself. You learned from it and that's all we can do, but bridges cannot always be built.
It is a big world, there is no need to inhabit spaces that bring with them negative energy and poor experiences.
Good luck

WhateverMate · 15/12/2023 00:00

I'd definitely stop going to the same pub as her.

I'm a really forgiving person but no way would I forgive that, so I think you should avoid her.

Goldiex · 15/12/2023 00:01

You said in your post its unforgiveable.. go to a different pub then the problem is solved for everyone.

CumbrianYorkshireHybrid · 15/12/2023 00:02

Have you posted this before?

CICTGIGF · 15/12/2023 00:05

Is that child a 12 year old now by those calculations? You have had the ability to move on, but her child is always going to be a reminder of that time so it’s going to be so much harder for her.
Is she still with that partner?
You were in the wrong, if you feel uncomfortable it’s up to you to find a new pub. She isn’t going to ever let you off the hook if she hasn’t in all of these years.

Chilesstanton · 15/12/2023 00:06

You have posted this before. You’re still wrong. Stop going to that pub.

betterangels · 15/12/2023 00:07

No one is obliged to forgive you though. Find another pub.

Fraaahnces · 15/12/2023 00:10

They don’t owe you forgiveness unfortunately. All you can do is try and forgive yourself.

tescocreditcard · 15/12/2023 00:11

Agree with the others, find another pub.

If you can't, for whatever reason, then everytime she causes a scene in public simply say "yes, I've apologised for the mistake I made 12 years ago when I was a silly teenager, please leave me alone now"

People will soon get fed up of her causing a scene if you simply say that every time.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 00:14

This woman is under absolutely no obligation to forgive you, and it's honestly delusional of you to think she ever would. I wonder how badly you really feel to keep going to the pub you know she goes to.

Stop going there or move.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2023 00:18

Stop going to places where she is. No wonder she causes a scene when you are a constant reminder. If you are truly sorry then behave in a more considerate way and stop making it all about your trauma and feelings. She is the wronged one not you.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 15/12/2023 00:19

I am also sure that I have read this before. You can forgive yourself but you can't make her forgive you. Walk away.

ElevenSeven · 15/12/2023 00:20

Yes, definitely read this before.

No, you can’t demand forgiveness.

You can go to a different pub.

CaroleSinger · 15/12/2023 00:29

Well you've posted before so you won't listen anyway but there's one thing you need to understand about forgiveness. It's not something you are owed if you wait long enough. Some things are just not forgiveable for a reason, and you'll understand why that is when your best friend shags your partner while you are pregnant. Move on and find somewhere else to socialise and stop rubbing her face in it. It may not be a big deal to you anymore but clearly it is to her. Try respecting that rather than thinking you are owed forgiveness.

GrettaGreen · 15/12/2023 00:32

You've no excuse yet give 3 excuses

Go to a different pub

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/12/2023 00:46

GrettaGreen · 15/12/2023 00:32

You've no excuse yet give 3 excuses

Go to a different pub

4 excuses 😉

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/12/2023 00:51

GrettaGreen · 15/12/2023 00:32

You've no excuse yet give 3 excuses

Go to a different pub

I actually read those as three confessions rather than excuses. In AA we have to acknowledge the damage that we actually caused through alcohol (and other drugs), and take responsibility for our selfishness.

We are encouraged to make genuine amends to those we have wronged, but accept it if that person is unable to forgive.

Tbh, if OP started all this as a result of alcohol I wonder why she's still going to pubs at all.

Yes, OP needs to get out of that circle. Sounds very parochial and unhealthy for all concerned.

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