Do some people know they are going to die soon?

[opwer]

My dad is 62 and has always had really bad mental health and addiction issues. Over recent years his physical health has declined a lot - he's MUCH older than his years physically. I put this down to addiction and not taking care of himself.

I seen my dad a week ago on Saturday and took him for his food shop. He looked okay but was wrapped up in big jacket and a scarf. He hasn't used in 3 years but still suffers mental health issues.

This morning I popped in to see him and his flat was a complete and utter mess, he was laying sleeping on the sofa and was really disoriented when I woke him up. What shocked me the most was how skinny he was. The skinniest I've ever seen him. His cheeks are all drawn in. He kept saying he was fine but finally he admitted that he hasn't been feeling well and he is sick after anything he eats. Have arranged a doc appointment for tomorrow.

As we were sitting speaking though, he kept tearing up and crying and saying things like, 'my little girl, you've done me so proud'. He started reminiscing about the past and was tearing up throughout. He started to cry and told me he's always in pain and he's tired. He then goes back to putting on a brace face. He refused to come to hospital with me and he has capacity so nothing I could do. I have said I'll go in and see him tomorrow.

But there was something about that conversation we had. He was very emotional, very nostalgic, I feel like we said things to each other we don't normally say. I know this sounds so eery and strange and I'm not usually like this. But I had a gut feeling walking out of his house that that would be one of or the last conversation I have with him. I can't explain it. Have never felt it with anyone before.

Is there something to it? I think he's really ill and I think he knows he is too.

It’s so good he’s got a GP appointment tomorrow. I can’t imagine how distressing your visit this morning was. I’m sure his GP will have a good look at him and know what the next steps are.

I would try not to let your mind get ahead of what the dr says tomorrow if possible. With modern medicine a person could feel like death and then be good as new after treatment. You've done something really important though in checking up, finding out and getting that appointment made.

This was exactly how my DH was in the last couple of years of his life (also addiction issues). He went from being emotionally unavailable to emotionally incontinent.

He stopped looking after himself and the secondary cause of death was malnutrition.

Please look after yourself, it's had a devastating impact on his children. I'd really recommend AlAnon for you.

And yes to the nostalgia too. Very hard for all of us to listen to because the memories for us are somewhat different.

I understand where you are coming from. The thing with addiction is that it is drummed into you that your life will be So Much Better without your crutch. It rarely is. In fact, your life reverts to where it was before you started blotting it out. All the problems that led you to use in the first place are still there.

Detox simply isn't enough.

Your dad may very well just be depressed so please try not to think the worst. It is likely the GP will do blood/urine tests so there'll be a bit more waiting yet. My advice would be to spend as much time as you can with him (without wearing yourself out, obvs.). What is he doing for Christmas? Is there any chance he could come to you or another family member?

I would try not to make something of it that isn't there for now and focus on him seeing the GP. Mental health can do all sorts to a persons mindset, as can chronic pain. The sudden(?) and significant weight loss is a concern and I would expect the GP to agree but they will know what's best and know his medical history. His GP cannot discuss his medical issues with you without his consent but that doesn't mean you can't let them know what the situation is, and that he is struggling to look after himself - they can then take appropriate action.

Often when people find themselves in a situation of long term difficult pain or health problems their mind leaps to thoughts that they must be dying, when of course that is not always the case. It can also make people very emotional. Being unwell in a chronic way is exhausting, challenging and takes a huge mental toll that shouldn't be underestimated, particularly when the person feels there is no way out of that situation and it seems not to be resolving by itself.

He’s very lucky to have you caring about him, OP.

Is it cirrhosis? My mum died of this, she was v skinny but had a whole lot of other symptoms as well

My Mum died of pancreatic cancer and towards the very end all she wanted was to reminisce about when my sisters and I were little children. She told us all individually how much she loves us and died two days later. She only weighed a little over 5 stone by then. They said she might have 5 or 6 months but she had 10 weeks from her diagnosis.

There is a bit of a circular problem here. He’s not really eating because he’s not hungry. He may not be hungry because he’s not getting enough nutrients. He doesn’t have the physical or mental strength to microwave a meal for himself or eat properly, etc. it can also create dementia-like symptoms, and that is also a risk for someone who has been using drugs or excessive alcohol. He may just have decided to give up on helping himself at all.

Good luck with your DFs appointment OP. If you aren’t going into the consultation with him, or feel you won’t be able to fill in any gaps in your DFs history, perhaps you could write it down and ask the receptionist to show the GP it before he goes into the doctors room.

As others have said there’s a lot going on and it could be a sudden deterioration in mood which has stopped his appetite and make him lose weight and any motivation he did have. I agree that without his drug of choice, life is hard as there’s none of the numbing of upsetting emotions . Look after yourself OP, it’s sounds so hard and worrying 💐

Ask your dad if he’d like you to go in with him. I took over my dad’s care at the end as he just didn’t have the energy to deal with it. After one appointment with the GP he just said speak to my daughter.

I also used to make a list of questions to ask before we’d go in so I didn’t forget anything.

Good luck 💐

@opwer sending you love in this difficult time. My parents in law were both alcoholics and it was awful to see their decline like what you are describing. FIL died in his mid-fifties after a short diagnosis of liver cancer and MIL passed 5 years later with the same. My own dad passed in the summer after being diagnosed with a lung condition, in his last 3 months I too could feel something different. My dad really changed and I think he knew his body was shutting down. My mum genuinely thought he would have another couple of years at least but I could feel it. She was angry that I was coming over most days and I was ‘acting’ like he didn’t have long to live. But he didn’t and never came out of hospital when admitted. I read online during the process that the body knows in advance with disease and starts to shut down, the person can sense this and will sometimes start displaying the behaviour your describe.

Either way, just be there for your father. You sound like a very strong and caring person, especially when dealing with a parent who has mental health and addiction issues.

My grandad knew he was about to die.

He agreed to meeting a carer and a meal service company which was a complete surprise because he didn't do help and didn't want strangers in his house.

The day before the meeting he told my mum he didn't feel too good. She took him to the hospital to be checked. That evening he handed his wedding ring over and said he wouldn't be needing it any more then died in his sleep last night.

He had no intension of meeting that carer. He only agreed to it as he knew he was dying. He chose when to go as he had enough and realised he couldn't be independent any more.

I had a relative die due to the massive heatwave in the summer last year. I went and saw him at his home a week before as it was his birthday, nothing untoward. The night he died, he had been on the phone to a friend and told them he felt unwell before ending the call. When they called him back and he didn't answer, they called an ambulance who found him deceased. When I went into the house for the first time after he died (only person to do so other than police who entered that night), his will was very prominently placed where it would have been unmissable. It definitely wasn't there when I visited the week before (and was 30 years old so must have been sought out intentionally).

OP, I don't know. But I'm on this rollercoaster too. I think you just have to take him as you find him every time you see him. Always make sure that you've said what you need to say and be the loving daughter you clearly are (including putting yourself first if necessary). Big hug to you.

I don't think people can "know" for sure but I do believe they can give up when they are unwell. And then maybe unconsciously (or consciously) neglect themselves.

My mum had a bleed on the brain not long after I felt a massive twinge of generalised anxiety about her. But she wasn't unwell beforehand so my anxiety was probably just coincidental. After the bleed she said she thought her time was up, but she actually lived for more than a decade.

To answer your question - my Mum definitely knew and said so - but that was very different from your circumstances.
I think your Dad is very fortunate that you are taking care of him, I hope you can take some care of yourself too.

I had a friend who had planned her suicide months in advance. I'll never forget the extra hug goodbye she gave me when I last saw her.

Op I think you need to do whatever you need to do in order to not feel regret. If he does die like this, would you feel satisfied that it was his choice, or wish you had tried harder him to the doctor? Ultimately it is his life and down to him.

I think people do have a sense of the end coming, a bit like how pregnant women start nesting near labour. Not necessarily conscious.

Hope the appointment went ok

My H always told me he would die young. He would often try to tell me what he wanted to happen after his death with his money, funeral, etc, and would sit crying about leaving his kids before they were grown.

He had severe health anxiety. Every cold was lung cancer. Every headache was an aneurysm. He was constantly at the GP and being sent for tests.

He died suddenly at 47 when the DDs were 18 and 15 of sudden unexplained death syndrome.

Saying that he'd known he was going to die "soon" since I met him when he was 25. At some point during our lives, he was going to be right. He did predict dying young, though.