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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pilates teacher / friend clash

26 replies

Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 18:43

Hullo MN. Long time MN lurker / v occasional poster. This is my first AIBU. I would really appreciate some input on this situation which has blown up in the last 24 hours. Be gentle with me !
I have been taking Pilates lessons, one on one, with a very talented teacher who has made a huge difference to my general level of fitness and stamina. We were introduced by a friend, and quickly became friends. The overlap has caused problems before, she is a chatter and does ask (often very personal) questions. I have no doubt overshared as well, and we do occasionally socialise in a (very small) circle of friends, However I did start to resent how much of our hour (I pay less per class as book 3 x times weekly, a month in advance) is taken up with chat/her taking calls/ general faffing around.
Since this month began, she has cancelled 2 out of 3 scheduled classes. I have a friend staying with me so I cannot swap days easily as have other plans. Her excuses are fairly spurious (to me) I do not know if she has cancelled her other classes on the same day as mine. Yesterday she cancelled class for today because she has an "allergy". Since I can work on the Reformer under her instruction and she doesn't even need to move a muscle more than needed, I queried it and was a bit harsh (I called BS) She then changed the reason to "grieving" (her mother died 2 months ago and I have been very very understanding, moving classes at a moments's notice, giving her as much support as I could etc, since I know what this loss feels like) So I said which is it ? Or am I just a client you know is a soft touch when you want to make other plans etc. Yes I threw in some personal stuff, a low blow.
BUT this opened the floodgates to a positive stream of venom from her - my phone was blowing up with messages. It was late at night so was on Do Not Disturb in any case. Some messages were so so so long, some in caps, utterly vile - about 15 of them. I was astonished, I know she is emotional (and now I think unhinged) I replied with a laughing emoji (WhatsApp) and said I just wanted a refund for December and we're done. More messages, very inventive with invective !
I have since found a class to check out as I want to keep up my practice, it's really important to me to keep this work going (because of age etc) Just a group class locally I can go, turn up on time, do the work, and leave. No interpersonal exchanges other than that related to the work etc. I am going to check it out tmrw. I feel sad it has come to this but am also fed up with the drama.
But we do have a very small social circle and she knows several of my good friends. She has already engaged with my best friend (out of town) about it - who said she didn't want to get in the middle of it, understandably. She also goes weekly for a one on one but says she doesn't get so much of the personal shit. I also know HER best friend, who I get on with very well. I haven't said anything to her as I am trying to maintain some distance from this mess.
(Just remembered, one of the bilious messages (not in caps) was how disgusting porridge is ?! And how my behaviour is base because I am British ?! Maybe she was drunk ?)
i have turned up to class before (a cab ride) and she has not been there, because she had forgotten to let me know it was cancelled. I have been pissed off but we always smoothed it over. Not this time. And I wasn't my 'best self' I admit freely, at the start of our exchange. But the escalation !
I just don't know what the fall out will be, or how to handle it. It has left a very bad taste in my mouth and I have been super anxious all morning. I am gutted too that I have lost someone I called a friend but am astonished at the vitriol she could find for me.
This is a small city, a small pond, and people overlap everywhere.
I am not sure what my AIBU is - was I ? Was she ? I am venting I know, but how do I move forward from this ?
Sorry so long ! If you have got this far I would be grateful for suggestions, other than moving to the other side of the world.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 14/12/2023 18:46

Ignore her for now but save all her messages and don't worry about the moral high ground if you are put in a position where you feel you need to share them far and wide.

TomeTome · 14/12/2023 18:49

Just say to anyone who asks, “it became difficult so I decided to move to another teacher”. Don’t be drawn in and it will die a death in time. You didn’t do anything wrong.

NeedToChangeName · 14/12/2023 18:52

Neither of you come out of this story v well

Don't badmouth her to other people. Maintain a dignified silence

Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 18:56

@NeedToChangeName
should I have name changed ? Oops. No I am afraid we don't, you're right. I will def not bad mouth her !

OP posts:
Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 18:58

@TomeTome
Thank you. I am rocked to my core actually. I do know how people gossip here and word gets around. Dignified silence and hopefully containment it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 19:00

@IncompleteSenten thank you for your post. I have deleted and blocked but did screenshot the absolutely insane ones to show my best friend. But on second thoughts and in the light of day, I don't think I will.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 14/12/2023 19:07

I should just say, if asked, recollections obviously vary and shrug.
For what it's worth well done for telling it how it was, you've put up with all her disrespectful behaviour and she's taken advantage of your newish friendship to cancel and behave abominabley. Very unprofessional on her part. Your friends know you so I wouldn't stress over this.

Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 19:16

@neilyoungismyhero thank you so much. I have been in tears. I did say to her that it was unprofessional, I am her client first and foremost, I always paid in advance without fail. Obvs these lines have blurred. I attended yoga class with the same teacher for over 20 years in another city and the only time she cancelled was when the trains were messed up (less often then !) And our personal lives never intertwined (tho' could always go to her with an issue if need be).

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 14/12/2023 19:20

Hang on to the messages, they are your insurance policy if she starts bad mouthing you around town.
Sounds like you're well rid tbh, who knows, if she dicks other clients around like she has with you, she will soon end up with no clients at all 😉

Peachy2005 · 14/12/2023 19:20

Just find a new class and next time be on your guard to try to keep a bit more distance with anyone you are paying for a service. It’s an easy mistake to make but chalk it up to experience. Try not to get drawn into bitching about her but if she badmouths you to others, maybe go with the “two sides to every story” line and try to take the high road.

I absolutely sympathise because it can be extremely difficult to find the right Pilates teacher - I’ve just found a new one that suits me after about 5 years of missing my original Pilates teacher and doing sporadic classes with instructors that didn’t suit me at all. Word of mouth is best to find the right person, I think.

Mrgrinch · 14/12/2023 19:22

She sounds like an unprofessional nightmare.

You were right to call her out and she was absolutely out of order sending all that abuse. Be glad you're rid of her and find someone reliable.

Maybe reflect on your response though as the laughing emoji was childish.

Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 19:27

@Peachy2005 I know, she is a really really good teacher. But I was starting to feel lately that there was less teaching / practice than there should have been per hour ! After all, v easy here to meet for a coffee / drink and shoot the breeze, not on my dime tho.

OP posts:
Swishyfishy · 14/12/2023 19:30

You both come out badly. Obviously she does deserve some leeway what with her mums very recent death but her behaviour sounds off the wall and unacceptable. She’s likely not coping with her loss. Similarly you were harsh when you could have simply opted not to pay for another set of lessons and just met her for coffee instead.

Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 19:31

@Mrgrinch It was not my finest moment I agree. I have been feeling drained by the drama for some time (her family issues since the death of her mother etc) Yes I am British and I do not have the same volatility as she does for sure ! But it was childish.

OP posts:
Anyonyond · 14/12/2023 19:31

Woof, it's a hard and depressing lesson to learn. Friendly people are not always your friends, especially when boundaries are blurred by exchange of money. I can see why you would be shaken by her outburst. She has been appallingly unprofessional and in the end, not a friend at all.
Weird porridge comment; ok so is she from a more relaxed culture re. schedules, etc.?
I hope you find a drama free class for your practice.

Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 19:39

@Anyonyond yes it is a very 'relaxed' Latin culture ha ha ! I have always accommodated schedule changes, as much as possible, if I know in advance. I have had to cancel myself (been ill/away etc) and always waived the fee for that class if we couldn't shoehorn it in later. It was my 'fault' per se. And I have no idea about the porridge as we have never mentioned it - altho' I do love it !

OP posts:
Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 19:45

@Swishyfishy her mother's death was not an out of the blue occurrence. She had been very ill for a very very long time and even my teacher / ex friend said that her release would be blessing. I do know that doesn't mitigate the loss of your mother when it finally happens tho. Most of her evenings are free and we could always have met up for chats if she had been so inclined. Just not treat my class like a therapy session. No, neither of us come out well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 14/12/2023 20:19

@LakeTiticaca she does shunt my friend quite often (has an early morning class) and we all know she (teacher) is not an early bird by any means ! Don't know about the others as I only see the one leaving before / arriving after my time slot.
She is always saying she has no money tho' has other income sources and even asked for loan once (I didn't comply)
I don't even want to read the messages again but asume they are still there - if I unblock.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 14/12/2023 20:26

There's always a risk blurring friendship with business services, especially if the business is the sort of thing where the business services relies on professional friendliness.
Neither of you come out of this looking good, but moving forward you need to keep a dignified silence on the details. She'll look worse and unprofessional ranting about clients.

If a business owner was bitching about their clients or former clients to me, that would be a red flag to find someone else because I'd worry it could be me in future.

Farmageddon · 14/12/2023 20:34

OP just chalk it up to experience and find somewhere else. I understand though, it's weird when the boundaries get a bit blurred.

I had something similar (definitely not as dramatic as your situation) with a Pilates teacher a few months ago, where she was super friendly, but then got hold of my phone number and was texting me constantly. It seemed really intrusive, and made me so uncomfortable, so I stopped going to her class.

It's annoying though when something that was supposed to be fun turns into a big drama.

Valeriekat · 15/12/2023 06:51

You have been more than patient with her.
I don't think you have done anything wrong.
Cut your losses, you aren't going to get your money back.

NeedToChangeName · 15/12/2023 16:29

"Recollections vary" and "two sides to every story" are good phrases to have up your sleeve

Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 15/12/2023 16:34

@NeedToChangeName ha...yes indeed. A bit like the old trope "couldn't possibly comment". My best friend is back in town now so she may be able to update me later. Ex friend posted on a group chat almost immediately after I blocked her in the morning - nothing specific about me - so I left the group. She can't contact me now.

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Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 15/12/2023 16:37

@Valeriekat Thank you. Her reaction did seem very very disproportionate, I had had a dig this is true, but we still could have sorted it out. I do wonder if she was drunk (not that this an excuse) She said she would give the cash to my friend when she goes for her next class, so we will see !

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Original poster
Aintgointogoa · 15/12/2023 16:40

@LolaSmiles I appreciate your comment. I am hoping that when I check out the new place I won't need to be specific - and I certainly won't bitch about ex teacher ! I can just tell them I have been doing Pilates for 14 months or so and not name names.

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