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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH home all the time

26 replies

Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 14:18

This will possibly sound v.selfish on my part - DH is currently off work with stress, he has been a mess with medication side effects, antidepressant withdrawal/new medication etc. I do massively sympathise and have spent a long time talking with him and supporting him.

I am beginning to struggle having him home all day long. I am neurodivergent/ADD and possibly autistic and having no time to myself is hugely overwhelming. I find it difficult to get anything done as he lies on the couch snoring or playing video games all day. I find it hard to be the one up and cleaning with someone else doing nothing. I do appreciate he needs to rest and recover though.

DS by his own admission, is a “sickly” type. He has depression/ bipolar disorder, he has migraines, possibly IBS, thinks he’s got long covid, back problems etc.

He has no hobbies and his friends are only on WhatsApp. He will only go out if we both go out together. Family have said how I must get so much more done now he’s home but it’s the opposite.

I’m aware that this must sound v.selfish on my part!

OP posts:
dammit88 · 14/12/2023 14:32

Can you go out? Go for a walk or to the gym or library for some space? Or could you get a job to get out of the house?

junebirthdaygirl · 14/12/2023 14:33

I don't think it's abit selfish. You need your own space too. And living with someone lying on a couch all day wears thin after a week. He needs to sort himself out by seeing a psychiatrist and getting proper meds. To be honest l think he is having you on a bit as people with bipolar can hold down regular jobs etc once their meds are sorted. Is he giving one thought to your needs? I would suggest he hang out in the spare room during te day so you can get on with your life.
Get a bit tougher and stop feeling guilty. He has a responsibility to care for you too.

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 14:33

Are you working? Do you have dc?

Original poster
Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 14:38

I am working part time, we have 2 DC of school age.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/12/2023 14:42

There is nothing in your post that exempts him from helping to run the house. Rest doesn't mean sitting on your arse all day indulging in what you want.

Original poster
Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 14:42

dammit88 · 14/12/2023 14:32

Can you go out? Go for a walk or to the gym or library for some space? Or could you get a job to get out of the house?

I do work and do enjoy my own company/going for a walk etc. But I do feel that to properly recharge I need alone time in the house. I end up feeling socially burnt out if I’m constantly surrounded by people. DH also constantly plays loud gamer YouTube videos which makes he want to throw his phone (him!) out the window 🙈

OP posts:
Turquoiseviolet · 14/12/2023 14:55

Oh gosh, I can really empathise. I started a similar thread a few months ago. My DH has been off work with mental health issues for months now, and has spent practically all that time at home, lying on the sofa or doing his hobbies. We have two dc, and I work part time. I too have ADD and autistic traits and struggle massively without time to myself at home. I get completely burnt out, and however much I tried to explain this to him he didn't try, or couldn't understand.

I tried everything - going out more, seeing friends, doing more exercise - but nothing has helped. I think what I have also struggled with is DH's attitude that he thinks it's fine for him to be like this - doing no housework, not working and not having any plans to go back to work. He seems very self centred. Like you with your DH, I am very sympathetic to his mental health issues (and always have been, he has had them since I met him), but I can't carry on like this any more. It has been one of the most stressful times of my life. I have decided to split up as I can't take it any more. (Obviously there is also a background that I won't go into now!) Sorry - obviously I hope you and you DH don't get to that point, but I totally understand how awful it is.

Christabelladaisy · 14/12/2023 14:58

I struggled a lot with this during COVID, so I understand. It isn’t that DH disturbs me but I can somehow sense his presence! I’m currently on maternity leave and while he does sometimes work from home it’s so much easier (and to be honest, nicer) when he isn’t here. Having said that he does get up with the baby and DC1 when he’s working from home which is nice.

NettleTea · 14/12/2023 15:00

He is off work due to stress at work.
He is at home, so not suffering from the work stress
He should be picking up 50% of the home tasks - stress doesnt stop you cleaning or taking your kids to school.
What is he doing to address the stress? I wouldnt think that playing games that make you so mad you want to throw your phone out the window can be helping his stress levels.
Fresh air and exercise are good for stress, he should be getting out.
I have ASD/ADHD and this would drive me mad - he needs to be working out strategies to deal with/understand the stress so he can get back into a normal routine, not reverting to teenage. I would imagine that his work will want to see some evidence of what steps he is taking too, which is reasonable

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 15:12

He needs to use headphones. It's unfair to force the household to listen to one person's noise in the main spaces.

Is he doing the kids school drop offs and pick ups at least?

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/12/2023 15:39

Does he do anything? People who are depressed don't get better by sitting in a sofa and not leaving the house. He needs to rest, but that IMO means more mental rest than physical, and it sounds like he's had enough physical rest. If he's not physically disabled, I'm sure he could handle washing some dishes or helping out with mundane tasks, and it would be hugely beneficial to his mental health to leave the house for walks.

I have had depression myself, and what you describe him doing is a recipe to make his depression worse, IMO. And massively unfair to you.

Original poster
Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 16:45

He doesn’t do much unfortunately. Just watches stuff on his phone or plays video games. He wouldn’t go for a walk or out on his own, only if I was to initiate it. He only goes out if it’s with me or sometimes with his Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 16:48

definitely agree that people don’t get better by just sitting about. I suffer from severe pms (PMDD) and have severe depression for weeks before my period so have an understanding of what it is like to suffer with my mental health.

OP posts:
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/12/2023 16:48

He sounds very depressed, which is awful, but in some cases you can only help those who help themselves.

CalistoNoSolo · 14/12/2023 16:49

Well I think he sounds like a self indulgent pita who doesn't appear to be helping himself get better at all. But why are you only part time? So you can indulge in your 'need' for space?

Original poster
Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 16:50

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 15:12

He needs to use headphones. It's unfair to force the household to listen to one person's noise in the main spaces.

Is he doing the kids school drop offs and pick ups at least?

We have fought over this. He says I should just wear ear defenders in the house 🙈

He does help with the kids/do school runs etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 16:52

CalistoNoSolo · 14/12/2023 16:49

Well I think he sounds like a self indulgent pita who doesn't appear to be helping himself get better at all. But why are you only part time? So you can indulge in your 'need' for space?

No, not at all. A neurodiverse persons need for space and time to process stuff is not “self indulgent.” I am part time due to childcare and it’s the best work/life balance for my family. Youngest is disabled and I am also a carer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloobloo · 14/12/2023 16:53

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/12/2023 16:48

He sounds very depressed, which is awful, but in some cases you can only help those who help themselves.

Yes, it’s difficult as he’s very stubborn and doesn’t like being told what to do!

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 14/12/2023 16:58

My DH was severely depressed for a year, longer really, but off work for a year. It was really effecting me having him all the time. Fortunately I had some access to counselling through work that helped me set some boundaries.

It's a real slog living with someone with depression - but I managed it much better once he started to get help. I made an ultimatum that he had to get help - go to his GP who prescribed medication, take exercise outside of the house, get out of the house once a week (sorted out with a friend to take him to a pub quiz). HIs parents helped too.

He got better and is now back to his old self but I we wouldn't still be together if he hadn't sought help. It's too much to deal with on your own.

BigDahliaFan · 14/12/2023 16:59

And ignore the people saying you are indulging in a need for space...you both need support.

Ladyj84 · 14/12/2023 17:07

Sorry coming from a family with a fair few members with either bipolar or severe depression the person saying they can work is ridiculous. Some yes not all can cope tho. And severely depressed people will barely go out unless motivated and then it totally exhausted them.As for house work, he is ill pretty ill at the mo it sounds and quite frankly very normal to shut off sleep or game and shut the world out.There's literally not much you can do atm. The side effects of some of the medications are horrendous to the point they can make you think bad thoughts or suicidal. It can take many months of trial and error before the correct meds are found. Having lived around these conditions all my life and seen the effect of horrid mental health I feel heart sorry for him. Can't you go out alone, different room etc? I also appreciate being the carer it's incredibly hard being around, mood swings etc. Feel free to message anytime for a chat 😊

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 17:08

Sick leave for the condition(s) he has should not preclude his fair share of housework including cleaning, meal planning shopping and cooking.

His recovery should also include him getting out of the house once a day in the daylight, and some (at least) gently exercise. Harder to insist on this. But you can definitely lay out your expectations of him pulling his weight re housework.

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 17:09

(I'm saying this as someone who's suffered from anxiety and depression and taken time off work for stress, and who has ADHD).

Allfur · 14/12/2023 17:09

Is playing video games and watching you tube videos all day long, good for anyone's mental health?

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 19:47

Before he was off sick, how was life together? Was he an engaged father and a decent partner? Did he game loudly in common spaces all the time when home then too?