To want this man to face justice *TW sexual violence*

[Arghcantthinkofaname]

I posted about this about 9 months ago under a different name but keep revisiting in my head and still unsure what to do so hoping to get help from the Mumsnet community again.

Basically I was very badly sexually assaulted by someone and at the time I didn’t give full details and many posters were confused about why I didn’t report him. I think I’m ready to give a more full version now as I’d really appreciate advice.

A while back I had a friend with benefits. A slightly younger work colleague. He’s a few years younger but a lot junior. I was promoted very high when I was quite young so hold a senior position in the company. We work for a global company, he lives in a different country but when there were company get togethers a few times stuff happened. He doesn’t work for me or anything (different team) but in my business it would be really frowned on two people fraternising. I’m not sure if I could get fired for it, but it would definitely harm my career.

So far, so inadvisable. I regret it a lot though at the time figured both single consenting adults, no harm done.

Earlier this year there was a very drunken conference in a different country (this bit is important - it wasn’t the UK and it wasn’t his home country either). We’d gone to my room and he just sort of flipped with no provocation. Violently attacked me, raped me and strangled me until I passed out. I came to having a seizure, foaming at the mouth etc, he punched me and left.

The next day I had no memory of the event. None. I thought I just had the worst hangover of my life as my head was banging, trouble breathing. Called in sick to work and got an earlier flight back home. The next few days the neck bruising came out (who knew, it doesn’t show at first) and the memories came back. I blocked him on all channels but ever since then we still work for the same company though i can avoid him most of the time.

More important info: this man is incredibly, incredibly popular at work. He comes across as the nicest person ever. He’s always helpful and friendly. Everyone thinks he’s a saint. I feel like I’m in a double universe where i’m the only one who knows what a creep he is.

Having had the chance to reflect and discuss with a therapist, I think he’s a very dangerous man. I don’t think he was intending to kill me but I think he was ok with me dying if that happened. He had already finished the rape when he strangled me, so I think that concluding with an act of torture is in and of itself part of his fantasy which is beyond scary.

I’m sure he’ll kill someone, or has already. I’m also sure that the nice guy act is very carefully cultivated as now i’m watching, I’ve seen the mask slip a few times (he’s told people inconsistent things about his family for example). I also think he may have done something similar to another co-worker. A few years back on a drunken night he offered to take her back to her hotel as she was wasted. No one questioned it as he is such a nice sweet guy that’s the kind if thing he’d do, offer to help people out. She left the company with little notice a few weeks later. I don’t have this woman’s number and she lives in another different country. I have no way of contacting her.

So my question is… what do I do?

I checked and I can’t report it in the UK as the crime occurred elsewhere.

I really really don’t think it’s feasible for me to travel to the country where it happened where I don’t speak the language and walk into a police station and report it. Especially as the guy doesn’t live there anyway. AND this country doesn’t have anonymity laws around sexual violence victims so the details could / would be public. I have kids and wouldn’t want them to see that.

I could travel to his country to tell the authorities there but… with what evidence. I think they’d think i was nuts if i walked into a police station and asked them to watch some guy in case he kills anyone.

I thought about telling HR at work and getting him sacked. But then I could get sacked too. He could claim i pressured and harassed him. Not true but if my accusations could get him fired, his could get me fired too.

I thought about making it common knowledge at work that he’s a creep but honestly if I told anyone they would think I was nuts. People LOVE him. Before this happened I myself wouldn’t hear a bad word against him. Also, again, I could get fired.

I’ve been looking for a new job but it’s hard in my field with not much available and i can’t be without work or take a pay cut as i’m a single mum.

So. What do I do to protect women from this creep?

YANBU - do something, and here’s an idea.
YABU - there is nothing you can do, put it to bed and move on.

I'm so sorry to read this OP

Could you email HR anonymously?
If you say you're too scared to reveal your identity, but give details of the event, dates, who was there etc, so they know it was legit. They may take note. You could also mention the other colleague and how she disappeared.

You never know, they may have had complaints about him before and this could be the final piece they need?

That’s a shame. No Instagram/Facebook? If you worded it properly and reassured her you were not speaking to her in a work capacity, she might not feel she was in trouble. Don’t think of yourself as naive, these kinds of men are sociopaths and can fool everybody around them. It sounds like everybody else is also fooled by him and you had no reason to suspect anything considering you’d had, I assume, ‘normal’ sexual encounters with him previously. What he did is nothing to do with you or your naivety, he’s simply a monster.

You have to report it someone, anyone, there has to be something that can be done. If he’s done that to you, he’s probably done it to others too. It’s never too late to report it.

You can report it here. It will be recorded and the police should send the report to the country that it happened in. The police here will not investigate nor can they tell police in another country to investigate. What the police can do here is give you access to victim support. Maybe reporting it might help you cope and deal with it.

No. She doesn't. And it's both enormously naive and enormously unfair to put the burden of "saving" the rest of the women in the world on OP, on top of everything else.

From the gov.uk website.

I work for the police and we absolutely would take a report.

Report anonymously to HR, including the information about the other possible victim
”she was very junior (a grad) and basically after that night out she acted weirdly for a few weeks then quit with no notice.”

It’s possible someone else has. It’s possible there are more puzzle pieces you aren’t aware of.

One of the reasons for those kinds of non fraternising policies is to prevent situations like this- it’s supposed to make it harder, rather than provide cover for the offender.

They need to rethink their policy so as to avoid punishing victims.

I’m going to be very controversial here and say I think you should change jobs and never go near it. From my own personal experience I have found that the odds are stacked so far against victims of sexual violence that you end up being re traumatised and rarely does the victim get any form of accountability.

Culturally we have not come far enough on accepting just how evil and dangerous a small group of men are. Until they kill someone, get caught for killing or a series of events happen they rarely get any form and of punishment. In order to stay feeling safe denial is the number one human psychological defence mechanism for women and in order not to feel shame men utilise the same mechanism. My biggest life regret is not leaving country my abuser operated in and realising I was ahead of everyone else in the world because I knew where one of these psychopaths lurked. I am so so sorry for what you have experienced.

I really doubt an anonymous report will be possible. HR will probably be forced to bin it immediately, because there will be no way of verifying that the accuser is even an employee, much less investigating.

And I think bringing the other woman into it by name is way, way over the line. Assuming that she was also assaulted by this man, which is no more than a guess, it sits 100% with her to decide for herself what, if anything, she does with that information. Nobody else has the right to retraumatise her by "reporting" on her behalf.

I wouldn’t say by name, but point out the pattern of women leaving after events this man has been at.

If the report is read by someone before being binned, it’s material that may help in the future.

It may help shape policy even if no action on individuals is taken.

One woman. After an event no doubt attended by many, many men and whose leaving quite possibly had nothing to do with this man specifically or any man at all. All that does is make you look like you're massively reaching.

You either have to commit to reporting the experience, or decide not to. Both are entirely legitimate and understandable choices. But - unless this specific woman actually gives you permission to name her in a report, she needs to be left out of it.

I agree re naming, but not re offering puzzle pieces.
You say ‘one woman’- OP knows of herself and wonders about another. You don’t know how many others have reported and left, or reported anonymously.

Suppose OP’s were the third anonymous complaint, or the second but backed up a named complaint from someone who left.

If it were me, I would get some relief from knowing I’d sent out a tiny message in a bottle. You know it’s probably pointless, but there’s an outside chance it will be picked up by someone who can use it.

Of course OP may not want that at all- and that’s fine- but it’s an option.

Watching with a lot of interest as I am very conflicted genuinely.

I can say i don’t think there are others at work other than this one young lady years back. It’s a global company but without loads of employees, and most people at the company are men.

I have no idea if something happened between them. Just it made me pause and I have a hunch it did. He was very disparaging about her subsequently which had seemed odd to me as i didn’t think they really worked together or he had any reason to hate her so much.

But a hunch is just a hunch. Enough to make me want to stop him from being near any other women or, god forbid, children. What if he has kids one day? Will he harm them? Another colleague in his home country has had a baby girl recently and they are friends. It doesn’t bear thinking of.

Agreed.

Unfortunately.

@Arghcantthinkofaname What an awful and frightening experience. Some good advice from people above with respect to rape crisis support and expert legal advice.

Since it seems like you work for an international company, so almost certainly you have access to an ethics "hotline", and can make a report anonymously. There will be a supporting investigation, and before going down that route I'd recommend thinking it through, understanding the process, possible outcomes, etc.

(Working in the legal area) it's very rare that these people face what you refer to as "justice". Very sad to say that, but it is true. Also, I'm in awe of your concern for others at risk from the same individual, after you've been (and are still going through) so much.