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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bedrooms help

23 replies

Cthomas87 · 14/12/2023 02:26

Sorry for the long post just need some outside input to know if I'm being unreasonable. ..

My partner has two kids (17 and 19) I have 4 (16, 13,11,3) moved in with my kids to partners house he owns about 8-9 months ago.

His 17 year old loves with us full time and has an outbuilding converted into his bedroom. My 16year old has a bedroom, my 11 year old has another and my 3 and 13 year old share the last room (which used to be his 19 year olds room - she moved to Scotland with her mum)

19 year old has come down to visit a couple of times and both times she has had her 'old room' back and my 13 and 3 year old have moved to sofa / in with siblings... She is coming down for 3 weeks over Christmas and partner thinks I'm being unreasonable because I said she can sleep on sofa first 3 nights until kids finish school... Then 16 year old go on sofa and she can have that room for the next week. After that 13 and 3 year old go to their dad's on boxing day So she can have her old room back.

He thinks I'm being selfish and she should have that room whole time and shouldnt be made to sleep on sofa 3 nights.

Am I being unreasonable??? I feel like this is a fair adjustment but it's causing a massive argument.

OP posts:

Stephy1024 · 14/12/2023 04:50

Maybe I see it differently but why do the 2 have to give up their now room at all. The 19 year old is a guest. I know its their dads house but they moved away. Will the younger two be expected to give up their room everytime older sibling visits in say 5 years time still?

PamelaParis · 14/12/2023 04:54

I would say she could sleep on the sofa until a room happened to become free, i.e. on boxing day when your youngest two go to their dad's. When they're back, she's back on the sofa.
Either that or she shares the outbuilding with her 17yo sibling if they'd both be OK with that.

Tebheag · 14/12/2023 07:10

Seems a very fair compromise. Unfair on kids still having to get up for school to sleep on the sofa. If that bad can she delay coming down till they finish school.

DustyLee123 · 14/12/2023 07:11

The guest gets the sofa.

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 07:13

Seems absoloute madness to me that a family of 5 moved into a house which only had 2 people living there full time in it. Wouldn't it have made sense for him to move in with you? Or wait til his 17yo moves out too before merging?

What a massive adjustment for your 4.

SgtJuneAckland · 14/12/2023 07:14

Did she move out properly or is she just at uni and her dad had moved his girlfriend's kids into her room? Three weeks at Christmas sounds like Christmas holidays not someone living independently

GRex · 14/12/2023 07:23

It isn't very welcoming for her to feel she has no fixed place to stay in when it's her dad's house. There are a huge number of you so I'd have her given a permanent share with the 16 or 11yo if either are female; it's mostly their room but shared when she's home. If both those are boys then they should share and she gets the other room. There aren't extra rooms going around, but that's no excuse for giving her no space because you've filled up her dad's house with other kids.

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 07:24

Isn't it likely that she will need/want to move back in after uni? Don't most come home for a bit while they sort jobs and rentals etc?

Stephy1024 · 14/12/2023 07:31

It states In the original post that the 19 year old has moved to Scotland with her mum.

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 07:33

Stephy1024 · 14/12/2023 07:31

It states In the original post that the 19 year old has moved to Scotland with her mum.

Oops - read it pre-coffee.

Wonder when she moved? Probably when her house got taken over by another family!

Zanatdy · 14/12/2023 07:34

You can’t move out and expect your old room back when that amount of children live in the home. She’s the guest, so she goes on the sofa. I guess her dad is thinking that’s always been her room, but he’s the one who moved in someone else who has 4 kids

JellyIegs · 14/12/2023 07:34

GRex · 14/12/2023 07:23

Quite agree with this. I’m in two minds as she has moved out, but is this move permanent i.e has she moved full kit and caboodle up to Scotland, or does she still have belongings in her old room? I feel a bit sorry for the girl, visiting her dad for Christmas and her former family home having been filled up with someone else’s kids. However having two young kids kip on the sofa when they still need to be up and ready in the mornings would be a pain. The outbuilding could be a better fit (and allow her some space from the younger ones which I suspect she may need) if any other bunking up arrangements could be made to accommodate this?

Original poster

Cthomas87 · 14/12/2023 07:34

No she moved before we moved in, she was always closer to her mum.. so when mum moved she went too.

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 07:35

Put the 3yo on a camp bed in your room and put the 13yo in with either your 16 or 11yo.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/12/2023 07:41

I’d have thought that full siblings of either sex could share for a few days, and unrelated children of the same sex could also share. If we knew what sex the children were we could help with ideas more.
Meanwhile the suggestion of putting the youngest in with you is a good idea.

spriots · 14/12/2023 07:48

I think with that many children, visits are going to need to involve some bunking up and compromising from everyone, not just your children. I don't think anyone should have to go on the sofa.

I would have thought the 19 year old sharing with her 17 year old brother was the obvious solution - I realise they are opposite sex but usually opposite sex siblings will share on holiday and this is also temporary.

If she hates that idea, then sharing with whichever one of yours is the same sex as her.

Rugbee · 14/12/2023 07:53

Adults on the sofa, kids in the bedrooms.

LittleOwl153 · 14/12/2023 08:05

I agree with you about not moving anyone until school has finished. It's been an exhausting term and upheaval now is not worth the agro - especially if the 16yr old has exams... and who needs a 3yr old with disrupted sleep!!

As for what happens after that, there are so many potential options depending on sex of the kids, I'd try and get everyone in a bedroom space they don't need to move from if possible. I can see why he doesn't want 19yr old to feel unwelcome - but in reality she is now the guest and needs to accept that it is everone elses home. .

CalistoNoSolo · 14/12/2023 08:38

Yabu to uproot your children and force them to live in a house that is clearly too small. This is not going to end well and I feel really sorry for all of the children involved, including the 19yo who has lost her bedroom.

JellyIegs · 14/12/2023 08:41

Rugbee · 14/12/2023 07:53

Adults on the sofa, kids in the bedrooms.

If anyone has to be on the sofa this is probably the most practical option, otherwise if e.g. the 3 year old was on the sofa would everyone have to vacate the living room at whatever their bed time is?

edit for typo

SnowsFalling · 14/12/2023 08:44

Seems crazy to have a room with 2 beds in and only one person in it when the house is full. You definitely need 2 people sleeping in the room with 2 beds.

Could the 3 year old go somewere else (your room?), the 13 stay in their bed, and share with the 1 year old?

bluelavender · 14/12/2023 09:18

Your husband may be looking at this through an emotional lens of providing for his daughter who he sees infrequently

You're looking at it from a practical/ logistical view.

This might be why you are both in disagreement? I count from your post that you have 4 bedrooms in the house, with an outbuilding that provides a 5th bedroom. I agree that having the children who are still at school on the sofa is not great; and also that if the bedrooms can't be configured to accommodate everyone then adults on the sofa might be the best solution?

Is there a way that your DH and his daughter could have some quality time together (trips out etc) while she is there- this might help with your DH's underlying need to ensure she feels welcome?

Tohaveandtohold · 14/12/2023 09:30

I feel it’s fine to let the children break up for Christmas so the 19 year old stays on the sofa for those 3 days and after, since your 4 children have 3 bedroom so I think the same sex ones can share so 2 in each room and the 19 year old can have a room for the rest of her stay.

I know she has moved out but she’s still his child and he’ll want her to always feel she’s welcome whenever she comes home. If I’m the owner of a house that has 5 bedroom and I have 2 children, I’ll always make sure my 2 have a room whenever they’re at my house. I won’t even be moving someone with 4 children into my children’s home without ironing that out first.

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