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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister took my baby off me without asking

24 replies

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 21:36

I live with my family and generally my sister is good at putting my baby down for a nap. Only me and my sister can actually put my baby down for a nap as everyone including DH struggle to do so. We went to my cousin's house and my DS started to cry. He's 7 months old. I took him for a nap (when he's screaming I have to try and walk with him to get him to nap, I know it's not ideal but I'm working on it.) My sister then got up and just took him away from me and said let me just do it. And then I took him back after a while and then she took him again without her asking or me asking her to. I then got comments of how he prefers her, which he doesn't over me but he does like her too. Am I being unreasonable for being upset? I left in a bit of a mood. I then said I'll take him from the car seat to bring him upstairs to nap and she ignored this too. And then she started complaining about me being moody and what was wrong.

I get comments all the time about how lucky I am with the support which I know I really am but most of the time everyone is at work and I'm alone with my baby and do everything, people say I've got it really easy and how I barely will have to do anything but it certainly isn't this way. My sister does help out when she's home because she does enjoy changing him etc but that's once a week. My DH also helps of course on the weekend of course.

Am I being unreasonable? If I struggled I of course would have asked for help but he's my baby and I wanted to put him to sleep.

OP posts:

tescocreditcard · 13/12/2023 21:39

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your sister on this.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 21:40

Stop being a pushover and take control. This is your child, you call the shots. I don't understand why you didn't just tell your sister no.

MeridianB · 13/12/2023 21:40

Explain to her that you’re grateful for the help but please don’t take the baby away without asking. And get your DH more involved. It’s very odd for a child’s father to never put him to bed. He needs to keep trying. And while it’s great to have family help, it’s important for the three of you to be more of a family unit as parents and child.

Vanillalime · 13/12/2023 21:43

I agree you should have a chat with your sister. The lines have been blurred because you live with family, your husband doesn’t seem to be hands on during the week & your sister loves your son & I assume wants to help. It’s almost like she has fallen into the role of parent.

Why not tell her how much you appreciate her, but that you want to be the one to settle him. Maybe you can give her specific tasks to do like bathing him or dressing him?

Original poster

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 21:45

@Aquamarine1029 there was a lot of people there and I didn't want To cause a scene or drama. She definitely is aware I didn't like it and is starting to ask. Thank you for your response

She's not a bad person and she's great help and a great aunt! I just do need to start explaining to her what I like and dislike.. I just didn't want To seem petty at all but she will understand if I tell her

OP posts:

Original poster

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 21:48

@Vanillalime love this response! Thank you. I definitely will have a chat with her..

My husband does do his bit but the problem is in the week he comes back from work at 6 and my DS bedtime is at 7. He has tried to put him to sleep without me a number of times but my DS seems to really hate it and screams terribly until I'm back. My baby looks at me like he needs me to soothe him at bedtime. On the weekends I do put him down to nap as he's really difficult. I've also spoken to my health visitor about this. When my son is ill and being a handful my husband has successfully tried and also when he was newborn it was a lot easier to make him sleep. I relied heavily on my DH to do this back then

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 13/12/2023 21:48

A baby can sometimes pick up on stress and perhaps because you weren't at home you were perhaps stressed that the baby was crying and you couldn't get then off to sleep. Perhaps your sister could see you were anxious and took over to help and also calm the baby who was picking up on your stress.

ExcitingRicotta · 13/12/2023 21:49

I’ve made the same mistake that your sister made with you, with my husband. It’s an easy mistake to make when the baby is crying and you want to help but also easy to understand why it isn’t ok to do so without asking if the person caring for the baby wants help.

I agree with PP though that your partner needs to be encouraged to get more involved (it may be hard when your family are also present).

Original poster

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 21:51

@Spirallingdownwards this is most likely the case. I did feel incredibly stressed and wanted to take him home. Because I'm a first time mom, my relatives judge me and watch me closely, but I did want To settle him and I have told my sister previously that I prefer settling him when hes stressed. My sister does love my baby and really wanted to help but just I suppose could have asked maybe? You're definitely right

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 13/12/2023 21:53

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 21:51

I think she was coming from a place of love for you both. Just have a chat and say that although you appreciate her help it made you feel a bit daft in front of the others so next time could she ask whether you would like her to take over to help out.

RedToothBrush · 13/12/2023 21:55

Are you breastfeeding?

Original poster

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 21:57

@RedToothBrush no, I did at the start but not anymore. I do cosleep with my baby though.

OP posts:

cezannesapple · 13/12/2023 21:58

Your sister could ask ‘let me try.” You could let her try if you are stressed as you may pass that stress on to the baby. I think you can afford to let your sister help out. It’s very good for a baby to have someone else they feel relaxed with and you never know when you might be very grateful for this. It takes a village to raise a child, as they saying goes.

Original poster

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 22:01

@cezannesapple that's true. This is why I posted, to see if im just being a bit petty and unreasonable. I suppose I just wish she had asked me instead of taking him making me look as if I have no idea what I'm doing or that people will assume I have it super easy or something.. I suppose I shouldnt let that go above my babies needs. The pressure gets to me.

OP posts:

cezannesapple · 13/12/2023 22:05

I don’t think you are being petty at all @Heybear23. It will get easier but,as others have suggested, a word with your sister when you are feeling calm asking her to ask before she takes the baby off you and respect you if you say not at the moment thanks. You could also tell her how grateful you are for her support so she doesn’t feel snubbed.

Original poster

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 22:07

@cezannesapple thank you for this! I definitely will. Your kind response has really helped 😊

OP posts:

Twicemother · 13/12/2023 22:22

Heybear23 · 13/12/2023 21:48

@Vanillalime love this response! Thank you. I definitely will have a chat with her..

My husband gets home at 7/7.15pm, kids bedtime is 7pm. He still gets involved as it's the only time he'll see them.

Brush teeth, narky change, bath, read a story, listen to her day, massage, rock/ cuddle one to sleep.
Definitely get your hubby involved.
I did it mostly alone with the youngest and she also screamed and cried horrifically when alone with DH for bedtime, but we had the complex of nursing her to she too! (She refused bottle).
But he found ways to interact with them for bedtime.

Its basically 30 mins of his time to be with his kids from the whole day.

Livingoncaffeine · 13/12/2023 22:28

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think you should have been firmer and said something at the time

DinaofCloud9 · 13/12/2023 22:30

I think your husband needs to get used to putting him to bed. You could be there too so your baby sees you but your DH takes the lead.

DaughterNo2 · 13/12/2023 22:33

Don’t think you’re being unreasonable yet you seem happy that she can settle the baby at times and your DH can’t.

Userxyd · 13/12/2023 22:33

Agree re talking to your sis about getting baby to nap with you and giving her specific jobs to do. Things like classes would be fun for her and would give you definite break and time to yourself at home to catch up on sleep/chores/watch tv/whatever.
In reality you'll feel like you're missing out on whatever nice things they do together, but if you let that relationship grow it'll be a blessing for all of you- lovely for them to have a close relationship and help with school runs/childcare etc will be a godsend!

Daniyalkhatrioffical · 13/12/2023 22:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Orangeandgold · 13/12/2023 23:16

Gosh I had so many arguments with my family as I lived with them until DD was 7 and despite me standing my ground, they still felt like my DDs other parent - my mum especially. Whilst I loved having cheap babysitting (all I had to do was provide food every now and then when I had work or needed to go out on my own) it did drive me mad. Fortunately my sister wasn’t controlling but I had to have many conversations with my mum who was very controlling!

When I look back now that my DD is older and has a personal relationship with each of my family members, I think to myself that it really does take a village and my DD is lucky to have so many people genuinely care for her to the point where although I am her mum I am not the only one that looks after her - there are only so many people that will love and tolerate our children as we do. I think that is important as I live in a city where it’s Everyman for himself and many people do not live with or close to family at all. Childcare is expensive and the load is always on mum.

In the short run, it hurts - it really does. Sometimes it feels like your DD might like others more than you (I went though a phase of travelling for work and my DD definitely saw my mum more like a mother figure figure). It crunched me. I have also had moments whereby I am so exhausted I want someone else to take over who I trust.

I would say speak to your sister - but mention how it makes you feel. You don’t want them to necessarily completely back off, but your sister should be mindful and acknowledge that you are the mum and decisions should be made with you - should shouldn’t just grab the baby off you but maybe ask - “can I hold baby now.” Or “let me try, do you need a break.”

Try not to turn it into a passive aggressive environment.

hood luck x

Original poster

Heybear23 · 14/12/2023 10:55

Thank you all for your kind messages!!

@Userxyd that's a great idea but my baby gets really socially anxious at baby classes and screams for a while before he starts to enjoy so I wouldn't be mentally at peace if she did take him, although of there is anything else or anywhere else she could take him I'm the future, that would be a great idea! Thank you! And you're definitely right about letting the relationship grow. I do really appreciate my family and love that my son is so loved my many! He's very lucky as I didn't have that with my aunts uncles etc..

@Daniyalkhatrioffical that's very kind thank you! She definitely did mean well and of course she doesn't like to hear my baby so stressed and wanted to help. I appreciate your reply, it has really helped. Very kind thank you!

@Orangeandgold YOU COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND! it's sort of bitter sweet isn't it!! I've had some arguments with my mom even about me knowing what's wrong with my child and that contradicts what she thinks is wrong eg.. she says he wants to play and I say no he's tired he wants to sleep etc... but you're right. He does have some amazing relationships which is also the reason why I love living with my family.. and even they love me living here with my baby, they have all said the house is much better and happier with him here. My family do genuinely care and love him. I suppose, as you've already said, it's sometimes they think that they are also parents for my baby and can do as they please in a way and sometimes I want to scream and say he's my baby but when I move out I definitely want my family close my little one and I want them always to be there for him. Thank you for your comment. makes me feel much better that you've been through the same thing and understand.

I think I just need to stand my ground and set boundaries if I'm not comfortable with anything... Appreciate all your comments thank you!

OP posts:

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