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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you follow through on this or not?

14 replies

sowhisper · 13/12/2023 20:27

If an adult relative tells you to ‘forget presents’ for their family at Christmas, would you genuinely do so if they have DC involved? DC are too little to understand Christmas really if that changes much

Said relative can be quite manipulative and guilt trippy and likes to say things just to get a reaction / some validation. I think this might be an extension of that. I’ve not done as she wanted me to, then mentioned about seeing them Christmas Eve to exchange presents and they have told me via text to forget presents and not bother and didn’t I listen the first time and bringing presents would be disrespecting their boundary.

Would you listen to them? I don’t want them to go to waste but it feels quite rude and ungrateful to speak to someone like this.

I am worried if we don’t give them anything she will somehow spin in round and sulk or tell everyone we didn’t bother and clearly don’t care about them or their DC, which isn’t the case at all

YABU - give the present anyway and don’t be petty back, up to them what they do with it
AINBU - nope, donate to charity

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 20:29

I would clarify 100% with them "what about the kids? We'd like to get them something"

If they still come back saying no presents, even for the kids I'd keep them to their word. And if they got the hump I'd tell them to do one.

fitforflight · 13/12/2023 20:29

Donate the presents to charity. She asked you not to buy anything but you didn't listen, and are now saying she's rude for refusing them. If someone says no gifts, don't buy gifts. Maybe they're struggling for cash and don't want the guilt of not being able to reciprocate.

If you're worried they'll spin it somehow then just be clear and say you were respectful of their wishes so didn't buy anything.

Original poster
sowhisper · 13/12/2023 20:31

fitforflight · 13/12/2023 20:29

Donate the presents to charity. She asked you not to buy anything but you didn't listen, and are now saying she's rude for refusing them. If someone says no gifts, don't buy gifts. Maybe they're struggling for cash and don't want the guilt of not being able to reciprocate.

If you're worried they'll spin it somehow then just be clear and say you were respectful of their wishes so didn't buy anything.

They’re not struggling for cash and have bought for us. She is making some kind of unusual point.

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhisper · 13/12/2023 20:36

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 20:29

I would clarify 100% with them "what about the kids? We'd like to get them something"

If they still come back saying no presents, even for the kids I'd keep them to their word. And if they got the hump I'd tell them to do one.

They’ve insisted, but in the same vein have also recently accused me of not thinking about them enough. So I can’t win

OP posts:
fitforflight · 13/12/2023 20:36

sowhisper · 13/12/2023 20:31

They’re not struggling for cash and have bought for us. She is making some kind of unusual point.

Show quote history

Well the fact they've bought presents for you is quite the drip feed you left out....

Original poster
sowhisper · 13/12/2023 20:38

fitforflight · 13/12/2023 20:36

Well the fact they've bought presents for you is quite the drip feed you left out....

Show quote history

True, I could’ve mentioned that crucial point!!! Ahh I hate drip feeding, I usually avoid it.

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 13/12/2023 20:38

Your relative sounds strange but with the way you've written this, so do you

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 20:38

Oh if they've bought for you, I'd buy for them.

Changingplace · 13/12/2023 20:39

Why have you bought gifts when they've said really clearly not to?

Just listen to what they’ve said, donate or return the gifts or give to someone else - very odd you’d suggest taking presents round when they’ve asked you not to.

Original poster
sowhisper · 13/12/2023 20:39

Changingplace · 13/12/2023 20:39

Why have you bought gifts when they've said really clearly not to?

Just listen to what they’ve said, donate or return the gifts or give to someone else - very odd you’d suggest taking presents round when they’ve asked you not to.

As they only said not to last week!

OP posts:
Changingplace · 13/12/2023 20:40

sowhisper · 13/12/2023 20:38

True, I could’ve mentioned that crucial point!!! Ahh I hate drip feeding, I usually avoid it.

Show quote history

Yeah that key point changes things - just say you’ve got for the kids, but tbh you all sound like hard work.

girlfriend44 · 13/12/2023 20:41

What a sensible person she sounds.

Changington · 13/12/2023 20:41

Put the presents in the car and judge on the day, then you can go get them if you feel you need to.

If you don't give them now, keep them for birthdays. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DinaofCloud9 · 13/12/2023 20:49

This relative sounds odd. Talking about disrespecting their boundaries over a present ffs. Plus they've bought your family. Weird.

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