Does your pain matter less than everyone else's? Why does this happen

[plsmakeitstop]

I honestly feel I am disintegrating with pain at the loss of my mother today and have nobody to talk about it with. My wonderful partner has an immensely stressful job and I can't talk about this. Maybe at the weekend when we are relaxing and have had a couple of drinks.

But...in general out of my family and friends there is such an overwhelming sense of things not really mattering when I am suffering. It makes me feel crazy.

It has me wondering why some people seem to matter so much more than others? Some people go through difficult things and people respond with love and support and others...I don't know.

I was adopted by another family member but had a close relationship with my mother but the whole attitude of my family is a little nonplussed and they don't get it at all. Everyone expects me to be completely fine and normal and now she's dead that the real sympathy goes to her husband and her new family and there is an unspoken hint that I should be grateful I wasn't "given away" to another family. That everything was great.

Do people act as if your pain is not as important as others?

Why does it happen for you and how do you deal with it?

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very painful time for you.

But if your partner loves you and cares about you, it is absolutely right that you talk to them and they support you.

Others? there are many and varied reasons why they might feel unable or unwilling to support you, unfortunately.

My partner is in a hugely stressful job keeping us afloat financially single-handedly at the moment. I absolutely can't make life a whole lot more stressful and fuck that up. It wouldn't be fair.

You can talk to me. My dear mother died almost 16 years ago and I still pick up the phone to call her. DH still comes home from work and thinks about asking how she is since we talked at least once a day. Live in your own pain. No one else can carry it for you. You will always be different but you will be OK. Eventually.

I suppose I just mean I need to find a way to resolve this in my own head without needing help. Whereas the only thing I can do when it gets too much is try to sleep to not be conscious for a time.

I'm sorry for your loss @SpuytenDuyvil it is so hard.

I’m sorry you are having a hard time op. I wonder if there are any local bereavement charities or groups that could help be a listening supportive ear for you?

I think not everyone is as emotionally intelligent as some others are. I often feel like you and for me it is because I am surrounded by people (parents and DH) who struggle with empathy, emotional intelligence. So sometimes I have to spell things out and be blunt about what I need, even when it seems it should be obvious.

Tell us about her OP. What was she like? How did she like to spend her time?

You can’t make them care more about your pain, but you can control how much of yourself you give them in future.

Before you rush into validating them next time, count to five and remember their lack of support to you.

Be sympathetic but not empathetic.

Your complex history is likely to make your grief harder not easier, what insensitive idiots. I'm sorry OP.

Your pain very real but do call CRUSE - they will help you with your grief.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You need and deserve support. I agree with the suggestion you contact Cruse. Bereavement counselling would be enormously beneficial to you I think.

I hope you can find a way through your pain.

People are afraid to talk about loss because of many reasons, being afraid of death themselves one of them