Just normal friend behaviour?

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Hi everyone,

I just want to get some views on whether what I feel is normal or if it is just my personality I need to work on. The issue is, I feel like my friend is "erasing" my thoughts somehow but it might be that I am not just a very good team player.

So I have a friend who also is my colleague and thus we spend quite a lot of time together.
Her communication style reminds me of one upping but I am not sure. Here are some made up examples based on real discussions.

Me
"I think we could invest in first aid training courses next year"

Friend
"I was about to say the same. I think we should invest in first aid courses, they are very important for the staff and I personally think they are our top priority next year."

Me
"The article on local newspaper didn't portray our company very well."

Friend:
"The article on local newspaper really didn't portray us well. The media is often quite unreliable and I have seen that happen very often"

Friend:
Can I ask your opinion? We have two great lectures available for our annual seminar day, one on relaxation methods and one on customer satisfaction. What do you think?
Me: I would prefer the one on customer satisfaction. Our staff has asked for one.
Friend:
That's what I would have suggested. Our staff has asked for one and I have had countless conversations with staff and they have asked me to arrange one.

Me:
I have thought of suggesting that we switch from Zoom to Teams meetings next year. They are more reliable.
Friend:
I have thought about it so often too, ever since we got Zoom 😅

I feel like I lose motivation to tell her things, because she already claims to have thought about it all. Thoughts?

It would annoy me too if it really was over every little thing, but I'd take it as a compliment and think no more about it. I don't think it's one upping either, more q lack of confidence on her part.

If you feel you need to bring it up with her next time she asks what you think say "I'd be interested to hear what you think first, because our ideas often seem to align. I'm keen to find out if we are in the same page again"

Sounds helpful and yet polite, thank you

It’s inaccurate to say she’s “erasing” your thoughts, but it seems there is a level of copy-catting here. Which could well be to do with a lack of confidence, or you could genuinely be on the same page about many things.
You could try asking her more open-ended questions rather than offering up your opinion first, and seeing how she reacts. “What did you think of that newspaper article?” “What do you think we should be prioritising next year?” Etc.

If you are both managed by the same person, I would be careful and make sure she isn't getting credit for your work. I speak from experience.

Aren't you getting a huge tacky tattoo in the new year op? Test out the copying theory..

Yes, that’s certainly a possible reading. She’s echoing. Encourage her to speak first without having heard your POV.

I think it sounds like she’s been on a personal skills course. We all had to go on one like that. When someone has a good idea, agree and follow up with positive reinforcement. For example, ‘I think we should do X’, I would then follow up with, ‘that’s a great idea, I was thinking along the same lines (shows you actually agree and are not just saying it), it would really help with Y and Z too (follow up with examples of why that person idea is valid)’.

does she have a green jacket and perch on your shoulder ?

You could interpret it as reflective listening-maybe a little clumsily done? Does she get/take credit for your ideas?

I don’t think she is erasing you, she just sounds like she is insecure in her opinions.

If you are her boss sounds a bit like she is creeping up to you.

That sounds helpful, thank you

That sounds helpful, thanks (sorry didn't manage to quote the first time around)

Just sounds like she agrees with you to me

Yes, I am her team manager and that's why I struggle because I think as a boss I should motivate and give credit to her, not the other way round, so I do. However it doesn't feel very nice because she seems to "erase" my presence.

Oh if you’re her boss then she’s just trying to please. It’s fine.

She sounds like an ex friend of mine who worked in HR and loved all the ‘business speak’ stuff.

Once, she said to my dad (who was in his seventies) “I really like your jeans, they’re a lovely colour”. They were very plain blue jeans from M&S😄.

Yes, this. You're her boss, you say something and she just wants to indicate that she's on the same page as you and is on board with everything.

Even if you weren't her boss, I don't think it really sounds like one-upping, just agreement really. So I think maybe you're overthinking it.

In my own team, there are often times when one of us will say 'I was thinking that we should do X Y and Z?' and then someone else will say 'I was thinking exactly the same - it would really help because...' etc etc. Or someone will say 'Something that really struck me in that meeting was that Tom said Y but in fact, he should be focusing on Z' and someone else will say 'Yes! I was chatting to Dick and Harry this morning and we saying the same.' But I don't think that's people in team one-upping. If anything, in my team I think people are trying to be supportive of one another by confirming their agreement.

Try asking open ended questions, such as what do you think of Teams? Or I was thinking of trying a different on-line meeting platform etc, etc.

If you are her line manager and she is agreeing with you it could be because she thinks you want her too and values people / relationships first, shes not bothered either way and wants an easy life, shes a people pleaser, lacks confidence / other interpersonal skills.

There is also the possibility that you are asking her in a way that makes her feel like she has to agree with you. Not saying this is the case, but worth considering as I use to work with someone who always ran ideas passed the team but it was to tick a box as he wasn't interested in feedback / opinions etc.

I don’t think she’s erasing you. I think she has no confidence in herself or her own opinions.

I'm not sure if I see the issue here op. It sounds to me like she just agreeing with you about different things, and like you've both have similar thoughts and opinions. 🤷‍♀️ But maybe that's just me. I don't see a problem with anything she's said.

Isn't it a good sign that you can agree with each other and share your thoughts and opinions openly? Instead of the opposite.. clashing with each other and conflict?

Errrr, it mostly sounds like she is just agreeing with you, and pushing thoughts and motivation and enthusiasm on a bit further. It might be nicer if she said "Good idea" or something first, but it's not that bad. Some sound a bit worse than others.

@AmethystSparkles "
Once, she said to my dad (who was in his seventies) “I really like your jeans, they’re a lovely colour”. They were very plain blue jeans from M&S😄."

Sounds like a nice person to me-can't see the problem.

Perhaps point out that just because you're her manager she doesn't have to agree with you. It's also useful if people on the team can offer a variety of perspectives and say what they really think.

Thank you, I think now that it is mainly her style and my interpretation of it, and the best I can do is to let it be.

Yes, exactly! I'd be very careful about what I said outside of a formal meeting with other people present.