Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Call ex out on this or leave things be?

12 replies

Orangechocollate · 13/12/2023 09:15

Ex is a two hour drive away. He sees dc once or twice a month for a day at a weekend. He pays full CMS and will contribute to things outside this too. Dc is now almost two and I’m finding it bloody hard work! I want ex to step up and be around more at the weekends so I have some time to do stuff. He does not respond well to any demands on him, he likes his freedom and will never commit to dates in advance even when it’s to see dc. I usually get a text a couple of days before saying he can come if that’s ok with me. I think it’s important he sees dc and to be fair he’s pretty great with him so they always have a nice day. Should I call him out on leaving me to manage week in week out? Not bother rocking the boat? I have no other support as parents elderly.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 13/12/2023 09:19

Not at all unreasonable to let him know that it would be much better for DC to have a more frequent contact schedule. It's not good for DC to only ever find out at short notice that he's seeing Dad /not knowing when he'll see him again.

So can he suggest a schedule that is adhered to.

Beckafett · 13/12/2023 09:20

Has your child expressed an interest in seeing more of the other parent? Could you look at some paid childcare perhaps?
Did they move away or did you?
I know it's incredibly hard when the other parent isn't stepping up with time with their child but I also think it isn't something that could be forced.

Original poster
Orangechocollate · 13/12/2023 09:21

@Whataretheodds @Beckafett sorry should have said dd is only just 2 so she does reference him but isn’t really bothered either if you know what I mean? It’s more that I feel so resentful that I’m doing it all. I hate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangechocollate · 13/12/2023 09:21

Two on Saturday and he’s still not confirmed if he’s coming…

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 13/12/2023 09:28

Orangechocollate · 13/12/2023 09:21

@Whataretheodds @Beckafett sorry should have said dd is only just 2 so she does reference him but isn’t really bothered either if you know what I mean? It’s more that I feel so resentful that I’m doing it all. I hate it.

You don't need your DC to express anything about it. You as the adult can observe that it ia not good for a child's emotional development for their Dad to drop in at short notice and inconsistently, however nice a time they have when he's with them.

Beckafett · 13/12/2023 09:29

Orangechocollate · 13/12/2023 09:21

@Whataretheodds @Beckafett sorry should have said dd is only just 2 so she does reference him but isn’t really bothered either if you know what I mean? It’s more that I feel so resentful that I’m doing it all. I hate it.

I absolutely hear that. It can be so so hard and it's a really tough age. Someone else has said it shouldn't be up to the child and I do understand that when they are 2.

Original poster
Orangechocollate · 13/12/2023 09:30

Do you think this is having a negative effect on her already?? I hadn’t even thought of that

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 13/12/2023 09:44

How/why did he end up 2 hours away?

Original poster
Orangechocollate · 13/12/2023 10:00

@Ablondiebutagoody he moved for work.

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 13/12/2023 10:03

Yes he needs to commit to set days so that there is stability and routine for your daughter. Don't say its for you, or so you can make plans - just so that you both know whats happening. As your daughter gets older and asks for dad more/asks when he's coming, the 'up in the air' approach will be stressful for her and you!

LittleOwl153 · 13/12/2023 10:13

Do you work - I'm meaning is she in childcare at any point? When does she get funded hours - are you planning to use them even if you're not at work? I'd look to that as providing her a routine and ask him to commit to routine along side - I.e. let that be the change point. If she's 2 this weekend she should be eligible from January for funded hours if she isn't in childcare already i think...

Problem being that even if he were to go to court and set up structured visitation the court will not make him show up - only insist on you making her available. So it is of no help.

I think you have to start planning your own things and saying no to him on occasion if you have things already planned. This will probably make him either step up or drop out completely so you will know where you are at. Don't rely on him being around- its a bonus if he is able to take her when you don't have a plan already.

ElevenSeven · 13/12/2023 10:18

You can ask him, but you can’t force him (neither can courts)

If he formalised contact and CMS was reduced accordingly, would you manage?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page