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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider keeping my son off school on his birthday

29 replies

Clarabell77 · 12/12/2023 21:14

Bit of background - he has autism, he’s in mainstream but needs a LOT of support, can be disruptive in class, doesn’t have friends, I don’t think he finds school a pleasant experience and doubt he ever will, regardless of how good they are with him.

His birthday is one week before Christmas and there’s not usually too much happening. I feel like asking if the head teacher would mind him having the day off because a) I want him to have a lovely day and b) I think he’ll be too exhausted to enjoy what’s left of his birthday when he gets home.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
carolsandchristmas · 12/12/2023 21:18

No. Just do it. Have a lovely day celebrating together. We recently kept our daughter off for a weekday treat. We told the school and the teacher was quite snippy with me (the previous teacher the year before when we did the same was totally on our side). They will always remember the time they got to miss school for amazing memories. They won't remember a random birthday at school before Xmas.

Also... no one cared when the world shut down for covid. Plenty of children are homeschooled. Let's get past this draconian narrative that it's school or nothing. Because life doesn't work that way.

I hope you and your son have a lovely birthday

Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 21:18

Are you expecting him to work as an adult? If so you will be setting unrealistic expectations of how the world works.

carolsandchristmas · 12/12/2023 21:19

We got unauthorised on the school record btw. But so what. Could have phoned in sick but decided to be honest

Fionaville · 12/12/2023 21:19

I would 100% keep him off. Have a nice day with him.

carolsandchristmas · 12/12/2023 21:20

Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 21:18

Are you expecting him to work as an adult? If so you will be setting unrealistic expectations of how the world works.

Oh go away

GoudaThunkIt · 12/12/2023 21:20

Having a DC with autism, I would never recommend breaking their routine.

Fionaville · 12/12/2023 21:23

Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 21:18

Are you expecting him to work as an adult? If so you will be setting unrealistic expectations of how the world works.

Because he'll never be able to have a day off on his birthday as an adult? Lets suck the joy out of childhood, to prepare them for a shit life of hard graft and no fun? That's not what childhood is supposed to be.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 12/12/2023 21:29

He would be absolutely fine with this sort of change in the routine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabell77 · 12/12/2023 21:31

I have absolutely no idea if he’ll work as an adult to be honest, my focus right now is that he has a happy childhood.

OP posts:
herbygarden · 12/12/2023 21:34

If a day off makes his childhood happier I say go for it!

elizzza · 12/12/2023 21:38

Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 21:18

Are you expecting him to work as an adult? If so you will be setting unrealistic expectations of how the world works.

In 18 years of work I have always booked a day off for my birthday, so it seems like that is how the world works?

OP, I would go for it. It might depend on your school but at ours there would be no point asking the headteacher - they say they don’t have any discretion to approve time off, so you even take the unauthorised or call in sick. Hope you have a lovely day together.

EsmeSusanOgg · 12/12/2023 21:40

I asked about occasional days out for DS (awaiting ADHD/ASD assessment but clearly ND but in mainstream). SENCO said to ring in 'with a headache' when needed and they'd argue with attendance officer if they had issues. That days out occasionally for ND children help them thrive and prevent overstimulation towards the end of half terms.

Nonplusultra · 12/12/2023 21:47

I do this.
The first year was because the other dc in his class had developed a tradition of thumping the birthday child, and his useless teacher was turning a blind eye. He was distressed about being thumped 10 times on the arm by 29 class mates, and I was already managing school refusal, so I just proactively kept him home for the day.

But predictably that has turned into an annual thing. I don’t ask anyone, and I just log the reason as “other”. Won’t lie about it if anyone chases it up, but I’m not going to argue about it either.

And it’s really nice to just take an easy day together, follow his lead, and do exactly what he wants, when he wants. I can’t throw a party for him, or even give him a proper hug, so I think a day off school is totally justified.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 12/12/2023 21:50

EsmeSusanOgg · 12/12/2023 21:40

I asked about occasional days out for DS (awaiting ADHD/ASD assessment but clearly ND but in mainstream). SENCO said to ring in 'with a headache' when needed and they'd argue with attendance officer if they had issues. That days out occasionally for ND children help them thrive and prevent overstimulation towards the end of half terms.

I totally get that. It’s such a struggle for them to get through the school day and it takes so much out of them.

OP posts:
Doubleespresso33 · 12/12/2023 21:52

Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 21:18

Are you expecting him to work as an adult? If so you will be setting unrealistic expectations of how the world works.

What by letting him have one day off? God forbid 🙄

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 12/12/2023 21:55

@Nonplusultra absolutely justified under those circumstances.

OP posts:
Cryingbutstilltrying · 12/12/2023 21:58

I absolutely would. If your ds is anything like mine before a birthday, he is completely manic, won’t sleep well for excitement, and then the rush of having to be up for school on time plus presents would leave him completely dysregualted and the school would have a heck of a time managing him.
So just phone that morning and say he didn’t sleep, can’t cope with the excitement, so staying home.

Starlightstarbright2 · 12/12/2023 22:02

Just tell school he needs a mh day .

SunRainStorm · 12/12/2023 22:04

Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 21:18

Are you expecting him to work as an adult? If so you will be setting unrealistic expectations of how the world works.

Adults have days off when they need and want them.

Goodness me.

mealplan · 12/12/2023 22:07

Autism or not.. it's 1 day off. Enjoy his bday!

Restrelief · 12/12/2023 22:13

I wouldn’t set a precedent unless you are happy for it to happen every year. His birthday will always be a week before Christmas but may not always be ok to be off. If this is how you celebrate this year will he expect, look forward to it or get upset if it isn’t every year?

I may sound boring but in a few years he may be involved in activities and miss out if not in school that day.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 13/12/2023 07:45

@Cryingbutstilltrying I think you’re right, this is exactly what will happen if we try to send him. Since he started school he’s never gone in, he was genuinely ill the first year then it’s been weekend birthdays.

OP posts:
Atishooooo · 13/12/2023 07:50

Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 21:18

Are you expecting him to work as an adult? If so you will be setting unrealistic expectations of how the world works.

When you work in a job you can usually book time ago - and so if you want to be off on your birthday it's often possible. School offers no flexibility for doing anything apart from turning up on set days.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 13/12/2023 07:50

You’re ridiculous - one day off when you’re 12 and there goes your ability to ever hold down a job, seriously get a grip.

Endsofthetowel · 13/12/2023 07:51

I’d just lie

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