Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Aibu? coworker keeps messaging me outside work hours + group chat spam

22 replies

iPreferBooks · 12/12/2023 20:43

Basically I got put into a work group chat at work by a colleague I work with. I am at uni but work part time maybe 1 - 2 shifts a week to earn money alongside uni. The coworkers in my section are at least 10 - 15 years older than I am so they are on more full time hours.

Context of job is a popular fast food restaurant. There is a cultural barrier regarding the coworker. For me I have a slight communication barrier regarding ASD and general anxiety etc etc.

Initially there was only the 4 of us who work in our section in the group chat. But now the group has over 12+ people, different levels within work, etc. Idk who is in the group chat as there's no names attached in the WhatsApp group.

Colleague that set the group chat up is a bossy boots and loves job and thinks there's nothing else besides it.

I no long feel comfortable being in the group. Also before, it was just an all female group, now there's guys in it, and people slightly above us like people who train us etc. I've muted the chat, but the coworker keeps tagging me in it so I keep getting notified anyway.

If I don't answer straight away this particular coworker will proceed to private message me on the app and if I don't answer those messages, will keep CALLING ME! Phone calls give me severe anxiety at the best of times and a zillion times worse if it keeps ringing.

It's really distracting I'm trying to study and she's bombarding me.

Earlier I messaged told her to stop calling me, and they had the bloody cheek to ask why! I'm not going to tell them why because it's the anxiety and the autism. I don't want to speak to them outside of work hours, I don't want to be friends anymore. Group chats are fake af.

There is also a cultural barrier on their end which I think is why this situation is making them overbearing. We do the same job on the same level etc.

I can guarantee if I leave the group chat I will be bombarded with messages from them asking 'am I ok'. 'Why did I leave' etc etc.

Aibu to want to leave the group chat without feeling guilty or anxious or the looming dread of knowing ill be bombarded with messages from them after I leave the main group?

also any advice? I asked my dad and he said it was intrusive and bordering on harassment? I don't want to burn any bridges at work because aside from that coworker I like my p/t job alongside uni.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 12/12/2023 20:48

You leave the group and say it's because Uni is getting intense and you don't have time for anything else, especially with it being Christmas and everyone wanting your time. You ignore any attempts to get in touch and face to face say that you have too much going on.

JustAGirlScotland · 12/12/2023 20:50

I'd block them all (except your manager who may need to get in touch re: shifts or suchlike).

ArchetypalBusyMum · 12/12/2023 20:53

What @Ponoka7 said.

You don't need to explain all the emotional reactions it's giving you. It doesn't sound useful or fun, so bail.

Original poster

iPreferBooks · 12/12/2023 20:55

I don't think my managers aren't in the group chat (not that i can see whose in it anyway because idk whose phone numbers are whose), I believe it's just for the rest of us since they 'have their own' apparently. Being in the group chat is/was not part of the contract I signed.

Yep the managers have all the contact info they need from me should they need to get hold of me. I prefer going through the proper channels anyway.

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 12/12/2023 20:55

I'd just post, right now, on the chat "life's got so busy can't keep up with all this chat, im going to have to drop out, sorry - see you all at work, and if I don't see you before, happy holidays!"

Then leave the chat.

Mummyofthewildones · 12/12/2023 20:56

Mute the group and block the colleague.

GreyhpundGirl · 12/12/2023 20:58

Leave the chat and block the one who's bothering you.

catsnore · 12/12/2023 20:59

Block the colleague from calling you. You don't need to explain or just say you are busy with uni work. Or leave the group entirely and say you don't have time to keep up with all the messages. Don't feel guilty! Only thing to be wary of is if they discuss things on the chat that they then talk about at work - you may feel sidelined or left out. Or seen as unsociable. (Not necessarily a bad thing if you don't wish to socialise)

Doingmybest12 · 12/12/2023 21:01

SecondUsername4me · 12/12/2023 20:55

I'd just post, right now, on the chat "life's got so busy can't keep up with all this chat, im going to have to drop out, sorry - see you all at work, and if I don't see you before, happy holidays!"

Then leave the chat.

This sounds v polite but firm.

bellac11 · 12/12/2023 21:03

You dont have to talk about ASD or anxiety, its irrelevant. The reason you dont want her calling you is because you're busy, you dont have time for it, you dont want it and you dont have anything to reply to the messages that are on the group.

I think the problem in life these days (dont mean this personally about you OP) is that everyone seems to explain things away with their feelings/disorders/MH issues.

Its irrelevant. You just dont want to respond and/or are not interested in that particular chat/message so havent responded. There is no further explanation needed.

WandaWonder · 12/12/2023 21:03

SecondUsername4me · 12/12/2023 20:55

I'd just post, right now, on the chat "life's got so busy can't keep up with all this chat, im going to have to drop out, sorry - see you all at work, and if I don't see you before, happy holidays!"

Then leave the chat.

This sounds perfect but also you can choose to ignore it

No one is forcing you to engage

Hibambinos · 12/12/2023 21:06

Archive the chat. They won’t know you’ve done it and you won’t be bothered anymore

TicTacNicNak · 12/12/2023 21:08

I agree with others and the message above sounds good. No need to mention ASD or anxiety, it's because you're so busy at uni and the group chat is too distracting at the moment. All of your focus outside of work hours needs to be on your coursework. If the annoying colleague keeps harassing you then block them.

MeridianB · 12/12/2023 21:10

This isn’t normal or necessary. Simply leave the chat and block the pest.

CatMummyOf3 · 12/12/2023 21:12

SecondUsername4me · 12/12/2023 20:55

I'd just post, right now, on the chat "life's got so busy can't keep up with all this chat, im going to have to drop out, sorry - see you all at work, and if I don't see you before, happy holidays!"

Then leave the chat.

This is what I would do too, and then block the nuisance colleague.
Asking them to stop contacting you hasn't worked, so just block them.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/12/2023 21:12

If you generally don't like receiving phone calls or message notifications, you can set your phone to do not disturb and check when you feel like it

Pigeonqueen · 12/12/2023 21:24

I have autism and anxiety so I can understand how stressful this feels but you’re honestly overthinking this a bit. Just drop out of it, block everyone except your direct manager and if anyone says anything at work just say uni is full on and you haven’t got time to be in the group. Firm and polite is absolutely okay. You don’t owe them anything and it’s okay to say no.

Psychoticbreak · 12/12/2023 21:26

Just leave the group and block anyone who contacts you. When you see them just say that it is not a work phone, not a work number it is your personal number and you want to keep it that way.

geckofrog · 12/12/2023 21:26

Find another job and tell the manager why

Sodndashitall · 12/12/2023 21:37

Agree with the PP on the breezy "life just busy atm so dropping off chat" sort of message. That way it's not personal to the colleague and just a general group chat thing.
If the colleague then calls or messages you to ask why, don't accept the call but send them a message repeating the message above "sorry can't chat am super busy and just focusing atm"
Repeat as necessary and mute of course!

Zoreos · 12/12/2023 21:41

I would advise you to just remove yourself and if anyone asks I’d say “I have no interest in being involved in whatsapp chats, please don’t add me again”. You could even say “I only use social media messenger apps for close friends and family”. If you don’t want to be that direct. Then don’t answer any responses. You don’t owe them an answer, or an explanation. People don’t have the right to be intrusive or behave in a way that causes anyone to be stressed like that it’s completely unacceptable imo. I find in life keeping things very short and sweet does the trick. As few words and firm as possible. If you give reasons people use it as an avenue to jump on it and open up dialogue to try and guilt trip or question you. I probably come across very inflexible to people I don’t want to talk to, and that would be because I am. The majority of people won’t overly talk to people if they get the hint they’re not interested. Even people who are not very aware of themselves get the hint eventually. Im always polite regardless though and I’ll never be hostile to anyone. I will always make an effort to keep in touch with people I want to have a relationship or friendship with. It’s not like I’m evasive to everyone, just people who get on my nerves. It’s taken me years to learn to adopt this sort of approach to irritating people and resist people pleasing but it’s given me so much more emotional freedom and really curbed my sky high social anxiety.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2023 21:46

Message the group saying ‘Taking a break from social media to concentrate on family/uni/whatever, please don’t add me in again then block annoying overstepping colleague. She sounds very lacking in self awareness.

Flip