Does this show getting back with ex is a stupid idea or am I overreacting?

[PurpleBugz]

Trying to keep this brief but struggling. Basically I split from ex as he wasn’t emotionally supportive and I needed support very badly at the time. Two years later we are in discussions that maybe we will get back together and do couples counselling.

My dad then died.

I asked ex to book afternoon of the funeral off so he can have toddler at home. Ex said he will book whole day off- he never said so that he could help me but I assumed he was gonna take toddler off my hands all day so I have longer to get ready.

I booked a carer to help with my autistic son at the funeral.

Carer then cancels completely. So I asked ex if he can come to the actual funeral and take the boys out if they play up. He agreed.

Ex then says he wants to take all the kids to see Santa that morning…. I said he can take toddler if he must but no way my autistic son gonna cope with that then funeral.. My autistic son loves my ex and will be upset to see him pick toddler up and not him. This will likely cause a meltdown before we even leave the house. I’m irritated but accept the situation. Whatever I’m getting help I can’t moan. Only toddler is ex child although he’s been in autistic sons life since he was 1.

Today ex text saying he has a meeting till 45 mins before I need to be at my mothers house a 40 min drive away. We are likely going to be a few minutes late or at least cutting it fine. I’m gonna have to get all 3 kids and myself ready ALONE.

Now looks like I need to be at parents much earlier to set up the wake. With 3 kids that’s a logistical nightmare.

I’m fucking angry with ex. I asked him to have toddler fir the afternoon - he said he’d take the whole day off then clawed that back bit by bit.

Am I unreasonable here to be pissed off with ex? I can’t work out if I’m overreacting because my dad just died or if I’m justified being so angry. Does this show getting back with him is a bad idea or am I overreacting?

You are completely justified in your anger. He is a waste of space. I'm so sorry you lost your dad and so sorry to hear that this man can't even bring himself to help you on such a sad day.

He's just showing you he hasn't changed at all.

You should be his first concern and what support you need around the funeral.

Think about why you split two years ago

Thanks both.

Would your opinion change if he had a high power job with lots of responsibility?

I told him this evening that him doing that meeting negates the help he has offered. I asked if he can not have the meeting. It's his FIL funeral surely they will let him have it off. He just said he's sorry but he has to take the meeting he can't get out of it. Said he took the rest of the day off it's just 45 minutes he has to log in but he can do that from my parents house so he can still watch the kids most of the time.

He honestly makes me feel like I'm ridiculous. He does have a lot of responsibility, he has an important job.

I think im pissed off because he said it like im ridiculous for expecting him to take the day off like he said because of course his job is too important. I feel even if that's the case he said that he'd have the toddler then ducked out so he needs to be apologetic not just informative.

But his job is very important

No YANBU and do not get back with this man.

You need a supportive man who will drop everything for you. Not someone whose job is more important than his own kids.

If his parent died, would he not take a day off as his job is so important?

Is he in a role were he has to get involved in talks to do with things like the situation in Israel? Or a prominent surgeon who's input means life or death? If not then don't get back with him. It's the funeral of a close family member and he has children to see to.

His job is very important? There are lots of people with important jobs who can function in healthy relationships and be good partners, but he's not one of them.

There's not a couples counsellor around that could make him into less of a useless waste of space, do yourself a favour and save your time and energy.

He's not a partner, in any sense of the word.

So he has an important job. So what? Lots of people have important jobs without being twats. His family should be more important to him than any job and it's not. He doesn't respect you, he's not reliable, and he's gaslighting you about it, which is why you feel ridiculous. He's the one who is ridiculous. Get rid.

It would be outing to give his exact job but he is one of the directors in a hospital. Not patient facing though

Unless the meeting has been announced unexpectedly because special measures etc are being put in place, then still no, he could have explained the circumstances and bowed out. It sounds as though he wanted a fun day and when it looked more like actual care, he came up with excuses.

Does it actually matter what his McJob is? He's messing you about, letting you down and letting the children down. He's a game-playing knobhead, and you really would be daft to get back with him. He knows you're vulnerable right now, and he's behaving badly. Dont take him back.

I'm very sorry about your dad.

I don't think either of you are being completely unreasonable tbh, but wonder if, as the director of a hospital, your DP couldn't hire a nanny/babysitter to look after the kids during the morning and his meeting so that you don't have to stress about looking after the dc whilst you should be focusing on your dm and yourself ahead of the funeral.
He has promised to help you out and if he has a meeting arranged during this time, it should be his responsibility to sort out childcare