Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Is he stringing me along or does he really want me?

20 replies

AnxiousWombat · 12/12/2023 17:28

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well. I am a 21m gay man who hasn't been in a relationship before and hasn't had the opportunity to do a lot of typical romantic things. Recently, on a dating app I reconnected with someone from my early highschool who I vaguely knew. Highschool was a very difficult time for me as I was severely bullied for my sexuality - this guy (let's call him James) didn't do anything to me and I think I only had one or two classes with him.

Initially I was very anxious about talking to him, but soon the conversation was going well (though he is a very slow texter and his replies were sometimes quite dry/basic). We then recently went on a date, and it felt magical! I haven't had much experience with things like dates but he was really funny and I could feel the chemistry between us. At the end of the evening we kissed (a first for me!) and he said he would love to meet again and go ice skating.

I then messaged him later that day saying that I enjoyed the date and would love to get to know him more. Silence. He didn't reply to anything or message or communicate in any way. Three days passed and after talking with some friends I messaged him again - he had told me has had some assignments to do as well as his part-time work shifts and so I thought my message had probably slipped past him. Silence again.

I was really upset by this, and so today, another three days after my last message to him, I texted him and asked what he was feeling about this relationship. He instantly replied saying that he isn't sure what he wants but he knows that I want something more concrete (which I do and communicated to him before). He also said he is happy seeing where this goes, but will be busy until Christmas.

As someone who hasn't really dated or been in a relationship, this made me si upset as I felt like we had a real connection and thought that this could be my chance experiencing all those things. I also suffer greatly with thinking I won't ever be loved, so I thought this was an experience which could prove that negative thought wrong.

I'm now really confused about what to do and think. Does he like me but wants to take things slow and figure things out along the way? Does he not like that me that much and is trying to let me down slowly? Does he only want me around because he wants someone there but then he'll leave me once he doesn't need me anymore?

I am thinking of texting him that this might not work out, am I being unreasonable or should I try and carry on?

Thank you all for your help so much xx

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 12/12/2023 17:30

I think you need to step back and wait for him to text you now. Does he have lots of dates/boyfriends, or are you his only relationship?

OwOwHolyCow · 12/12/2023 17:31

I think you need to stop texting him. His lack of replies until you repeatedly text him speaks volumes.

Original poster

AnxiousWombat · 12/12/2023 17:32

DustyLee123 · 12/12/2023 17:30

I think you need to step back and wait for him to text you now. Does he have lots of dates/boyfriends, or are you his only relationship?

Hi DustyLee, thank you so much for your message. As far as I know, I don't think he is seeing anyone right now (at least not seriously), but I do know that he broke up with his ex relatively recently (around 4-6 months ago)?

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousWombat · 12/12/2023 17:34

OwOwHolyCow · 12/12/2023 17:31

I think you need to stop texting him. His lack of replies until you repeatedly text him speaks volumes.

Thank you for this OwOwHolyCow - I think I am just upset about what could have been, but ultimately I do deserve someone who wants me enough to be able to at least text back (I mean how long does a text take to send - 10 seconds maximum!!!???)

OP posts:

YoureALizardHarry11 · 12/12/2023 17:35

Leave him to initiate and make the moves now, don’t keep texting, leave the ball firmly in his court. If he wants to meet up then it’s on him. He might be getting off on the fact you really like him!

Swirls346 · 12/12/2023 17:41

From my experience in relationships, if someone doesn't text in 3 days then they aren't that into me.
I would leave it now to him as he might like you but just playing hard to get. So wait now till he starts the convo /initiates a meeting.
Time will tell. In the meantime maybe get back on the dating app and chat to some others to keep your mind off him.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 12/12/2023 17:44

Please don't text him again.

He knows how you feel, so the ball is in his court.

But please don't let yourself be his other option.

You sound very sweet and kind, but vulnerable and these prime character traits that can be used and abused by those with the inclination.

Protect yourself by stepping back.

Good luck X

MushMonster · 12/12/2023 17:48

Time to let it go.
Just do not text him anymore. Or think about it (I know, easier said than done!)
Keep dating other people, making your normal plans.
He does not sound interested, to be honest. If he really meant that he wanted to see you again, he would have contacted you to set another date already.

CarpetSlipper · 12/12/2023 17:53

Don’t contact him first again. If he’s interested he’ll get in touch. I think you should try dating other people instead. If you want commitment and someone who makes you feel loved then don’t settle for anything less.

GaryLurcher19 · 12/12/2023 17:54

He sounds ambivalent, OP. I wouldn't invest in him emotionally.

Also, you are very young. There will be many more dates with more men in your future.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/12/2023 18:13

OP I think you’re coming across far too intense, far too soon. Even calling what the two of you have currently a “relationship” is a bit much too soon- you’ve been texting and been on one date. It sounds as though you have latched onto him instantly and are expecting relationship level communication and commitment from someone you’ve actually only been on one date with.

If you still like him, then back off and wait until he gets in touch with you. If you genuinely don’t want to continue then you’re not unreasonable at all to just text him and say that, but don’t send that message if you’re hoping it will prompt him to make an effort or reply to you.

Catza · 12/12/2023 18:20

Please stop texting him. You are coming across way too intense. You are not in a relationship after being on one date.
No need to tell him this is not working out for you. If he does eventually text, then you can tell him that but no need to volunteer this information when he is not maintaining contact anyway.
Of course you deserve being loved but it doesn’t mean that every date you have will turn into a long-term relationship.

WorriedMum231 · 12/12/2023 18:29

Oh darling, he’s not interested. Save your energy for someone who can return it. It might hurt for a while but there’s nothing wrong with you, this just isn’t the right fit.

If he was interested he would definitely find the time to respond, I think you should stop texting him and try and meet some new people.

LittleStar22 · 12/12/2023 18:34

As others have said, do not text him again.
If he was interested he would message you. He is showing you that he isn’t. The words aren’t needed.

When I start talking to/dating someone I ‘match their energy’… if they don’t give you much, don’t waste your time on trying on pursuing it.

Orangello · 12/12/2023 18:37

He's not interested. As you say, takes 3 seconds to text back. Any story about being too busy and how he will have more time after Xmas/new years/summer whatever - just to keep you hanging on. Believe me, I've wasted way too much time on 'too busy' men.
move on. When you find the right person, you don't need to wonder if they're interested.

taylorswift1989 · 12/12/2023 18:44

Never double text! Text, wait for him to text back. If he doesn't take his turn, the game is over.

Don't confuse a great date with a great person. Some people are great at dating and like to show the other person a good time, but it doesn't actually mean they like you. If they like you, they'll show their interest - you will know!

Try meeting people in real life if you can. Ask friends to matchmake you. Go out to events where you're likely to meet people. That way, even if you don't meet the love of your life, you'll be making friends and having fun.

Forget about the no-texter. He's not interested. Block and delete so you're not tempted to go back there.

Original poster

AnxiousWombat · 12/12/2023 19:29

SweetFemaleAttitude · 12/12/2023 17:44

Please don't text him again.

He knows how you feel, so the ball is in his court.

But please don't let yourself be his other option.

You sound very sweet and kind, but vulnerable and these prime character traits that can be used and abused by those with the inclination.

Protect yourself by stepping back.

Good luck X

Thank you so much, this means so much to me. I think I just have to let this go, as difficult as it feels. I deserve someone who can communicate well and doesn't just go mute when he feels like. I know some comments said to not be so intense so quickly, which is something I will try and work on too - I just feel everything so deeply and I really thought this might work. There'll always be a next time, it's just difficult to believe that another opportunity may come.

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 12/12/2023 19:45

I say this gently OP but it may be worth you getting some therapy yourself to work through your feelings around these things, not believing you are capable of being loved and not believing you will find love- those things could easily cause you to end up in situations of abuse and manipulation. Latching on to a person so deeply and intensely after only 1 date is not a normal connection, please work on that, because there are men out there who will take advantage of that nature.

You are worthy of love, you will find love, but you have to love yourself first. Love yourself enough that you don’t need the love of anybody else, and that’s when it will find you! X

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 12/12/2023 20:10

You sound really lovely and you’ve been very honest. He sounds like he isn’t quite so sure and perhaps your honesty about your feelings has made him retreat a bit. Some people do want something which is a bit more of a slow burner and some people also quite like to feel there’s a bit of a chase involved. You aren’t that sort of game player and it sounds as if you’d like him to reciprocate your texts and enthusiasm. You might not be totally compatible in that sense. However, someone who is really into you will appreciate that you are open and keen about them. I wouldn’t send any more messages at all. It’s quite obvious that you like him and would welcome his messages so he knows what to do if he’s interested. If he’s not keen, view it as incompatibility. Next time, perhaps just send one text - you could end with a question so that it’s clear it’s their turn to reply - and give them a little longer to reply instead of just texting again to nudge them. Then you won’t be upset that you’ve sent several without a reply.

lto2019 · 12/12/2023 20:41

Stop texting him - I suspect he is not that interested. That said, if he is and wants to take things slowly and is genuinely busy with things in the run up to Christmas you texting him a lot will put him off. Take a step back - you sound like you have a lot to offer - let him come to you - if he doesn't you have your answer. It's difficult when you like someone to not message but it has to be reciprocal. He knows you're interested - let him show if he is.

Flip