Christmas plans

[Halfmanhalfcake]

Genuinely after advice and perspective.

This will be a bit long and I think lots of past family politics are coming into play. But a bit of background is we are a small close family, all live round the corner from each other, kids all the same age etc. But there are various tensions and annoyances that sometimes rear their head

DS is very hard to communicate with. She will often not reply to messages, or will be very curt. (The excuse in the family is often just that’s what DS is like and that we need to respect it / accept it. We do all have our own faults tbf). On the other hand I’m more dominant / say what I want more explicitly.

Every year sister never knows what she’s doing for Christmas until the last minute. Her family (husband and two kids) will often visit his family in Cornwall. That’s never been a problem at all. On the other hand I have always spent every Christmas with my parents, which works because DH family is much more disparate. However we had mentioned weeks ago to DS that my husbands parents were coming over from Europe, and that we’d be at ours and would love to spend it together. What were their plans etc. They said they didn’t know.

Last week my parents called me to say they were spending Christmas Day with my sister (down the road from us).

I got upset when they told me. Mostly because sister had invited parents and not communicated anything to me about it. We haven’t been invited, although I understand that might be logistically difficult because of DH being here. I only found all of this out through parents. But if I’m honest I felt very hurt that they hadn’t thought about us at all.

Today sister calls up literally shouting down the phone saying I’m manipulative and that I’ve lied about knowing that my parents are going to theirs. She claims her husband had told my husband (he hadn’t) and that I’m lying saying that I didn’t know.

In a way it’s all totally ridiculous. We’ve never had issues over Christmas arrangements. If I’m being kind I would say it was just miscommunication. But she seemed so angry. It was like years of resentment came out. I’m so so upset about it. I love my sister but I’m going to really struggle to get over some of the things she was saying.

AiBu in being hurt by her lack of thought for us when arranging Christmas with my parents. And

how do I get over being so hurt and move on so kids can still have a lovely time together?

Perhaps your parents would rather spend Christmas with your sister than your inlaws.

Either way, it seems insanely petty to be squabbling. You chose the christmas that you want, which is absolutely fine. But you can't expect everyone else to want the same.

Why can't you just do your thing and let them do theirs?!

My parents like my in laws, and felt caught in the middle. I agree it does seem petty and I’m totally fine with doing separate Christmas’s. It’s just the total lack of communication about it that’s hurtful.

It’s just not how I would do it because I’d think it was just a matter of consideration to DS. I can’t imagine inviting my parents to mine, but not my sister and not somehow consider how she might feel about that.

but surely your parents could have communicated too? after saying they weren't sure what they were doing

I don't really understand the upset either, you've got the in laws coming so your parent shave made other plans.

You and your sister don't get on. For whatever reason she doesn't like you and has made plans to avoid you at Christmas. This has meant not seeing your parents. This year you are seeing your in laws, so she thought it was a perfect time to have Christmas with her parents. Recognise and accept your relationship for what it is. Two of my Dad's have similar, although they've decided to go NC. So I'm split in two as your parents are. There's way too much emotional investment in one day.

I agree @Ponoka7 I think this is what I’m realising. What I imagine my relationship with my sister to be is not what she does. It’s hurtful because I love her. But you’re right I just probably need to accept it and move on. I feel bad for my parents so will try and make it as easy for them as possible

Hmmm, I'm tending to lean towards your sister here as she hasn't actually done anything wrong yet you're complaining. You invited her to yours and (presumably) she didn't accept. If your parents did then surely it's them you should be mad at. It's quite probable that she didn't want to spend Xmas with your in laws and your parents preferred to join her too. That's allowed.
As for all the waffle about her character I suspect it's you that's the issue. Could it be that when you try to organise things you get annoyed when others don't go along with your plans? If I'm invited to something and reply 'l don't know what I'm doing yet ' that's my answer. If you need to say know by Friday and I don't know, then I'll just say 'Oh OK, you go ahead and do your own thing and count me out'.
My sister is like you. I'm confused by exactly what needs sorting so far in advance?

I agree with @NaughtybutNice77. I do think your sister sounds like she has some sort of underlying resentment towards you for whatever reason but ultimately YABU.

OK this is helpful. Im honestly totally prepared to accept Im being unreasonable. I suppose I just thought we were closer than that. I think I probably need to grow up a bit, I suspect Im worry too much what my sister thinks of me.