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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell Dsis to get over it?

14 replies

FlakyPaste · 12/12/2023 08:25

Around a year ago dsis (38) ended her relationship with her fiancé. They’d been together for c. 10 years, and she’d wanted to leave him for around 3 of those before she actually did. Her reasons for leaving were due to finding him unattractive and in general just not liking him very much anymore. Dsis has 1 DS with her ex, who is 5.

Fast forward to now, and dsis has been in a relationship for 3 months. It’s moving quite fast (she wants to move in with him) but she seems really happy.

However, she has recently found out that ex fiancé has a new girlfriend and is livid. It’s all she talks about, and she has revelled in hearing from mutual friends how much prettier she is than the new girlfriend. She’s telling everyone she knows about how much of a “tramp” the new girlfriend is, and had said some pretty nasty stuff about her (about her children and her claiming benefits).

I’m a bit confused! For years in the relationship she’d always confide in me how much she despised ex fiancé, how “ugly” he was, how he repulsed her and all she wanted was for him to cheat on her so she could be off the hook.

Now he’s finally found someone, she seems to have taken it as a personal attack and seems like she’s trying to break them up! She’s sent ex lots of messages outlining exactly why his new girlfriend is a horrible woman and keeps making digs whenever she sees him. She’s told ex that DS is so upset and embarrassed by his new girlfriend (he’s 5…) and that she does not want DS around her at any point.

Every time Dsis mentions her (which is daily) I give it as little oxygen as possible and say something like “just let them get on with it, you’re happy with new relationship so leave them to their own devices”. She never does though, she seems consumed by the new relationship. I’ve asked her if she still has feelings for ex and it was a firm no, she hates ex and finds him disgusting but doesn’t understand why he has chosen new girlfriend. She’d ‘be happy for him’ if it was anyone else (apparently).

How should I handle this? She’s my sister so I can’t ignore her, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t getting irritated with the double standards and hypocrisy oozing from her!

OP posts:

ChaToilLeam · 12/12/2023 08:36

I had this situation with a friend. And I had to tell her: I don’t want to hear it. On repeat.

We are still friends, I don’t quite know what got into her!

CalistoNoSolo · 12/12/2023 08:38

I know she's your sister but she sounds really horrible and really immature. I'd tell her straight to grow up and stop being a bitch.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2023 08:40

She is just showing her ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend exactly what she feels for him. She clearly hasn't got over him. Is that really the message she wants to send?

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 12/12/2023 08:43

Just be honest. Tell your sister she is acting like a brat and warn her that if she continues sending nasty, abusive messages to her ex she’s going to end up in trouble if, for example, either he or his girlfriend were to go to the police.
And don’t let her use her child as a weapon!

EvilElsa · 12/12/2023 08:47

She sounds like a fucking arsehole.

Olika · 12/12/2023 08:48

Just tell her to get over it. She has moved in and so has her ex.

Ghentsummer · 12/12/2023 08:54

Your sister is a nasty bitch. And right now, by using her son as a weapon, she's being a shit mum too. Perhaps point that out to her or the fact her ex and his gf can report her to the police for harassment. As a minimum tell her you don't want to hear her nasty comments anymore.

glassyhag · 12/12/2023 08:54

It's because she perceived him to be worthless , as to her that's exactly what he was. She's clearly treated him very badly , wanting to leave him for years etc and not doing anything in that time. And she believed that she is worth more. Being worth more than him, she's happily jumped into a new relationships and is happy and going full force ahead.... because that's what such an amazing beautiful woman is worth. But not him. Not her troll ex. She perceived him to be useless and ugly and not worthy of respect and for her own over inflated self belief she needs it to remain that way.

Him finding somebody, finding happiness and being appreciated risks undermining everything that she had built this new life on. Petite could raise its all bollocks and then people will see that she's the one who isn't worth investing in as she's a pretty horrible Shallow person that's manipulated their entire relationship , and now this one, and treated a good man badly. And not true to prevent his happiness.

So she will go around making up lies and bad mouthing them to try to retain her status as more desirable. But she doesn't see that people are laughing at her bat shit antics.

I've been through this with my own sister. I had to burst her bubble but she was being such a bastard to her ex and his new GF and even though I didn't like him, neither of them deserved it. Basically your sister is defining her worth by the men in her life, she's got chronic low self esteem and needs to work on herself. Not to going around spreading lies and abuse

sparkellie · 12/12/2023 08:54

Tell her she needs to cut that crap out.
Not only is his new relationship none if her business (why does she care what he does now?), but if my partner was acting that way about their ex, I'd be presuming there was unfinished business and ending the relationship. She's risking her new relationship as well as acting like a twat.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 12/12/2023 08:54

How should I handle this? She’s my sister so I can’t ignore her, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t getting irritated with the double standards and hypocrisy oozing from her!

So basically “I don’t want this old thing any more, but if anyone else touches it I’m going to burn the fucking house down.” And this woman’s 38? She sounds about 12.

You’ve answered your own question, though. How you handle it is to be honest. Tell her exactly how you feel - that she’s coming across as a vindictive hypocrite, and if she can’t stop her irrational bitching altogether then she at least needs to switch it off around you because you’re tired of hearing it.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 12/12/2023 08:58

My best mate was like this - couldn't wait to get rid of her dh cos he was sooo awful and as soon as he met someone new,she flew off the handle.
Still don't understand it cos she had met someone new too.

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2023 08:59

My ex did this its exhausting being on the receiving end of it all you can't have your boyfriend around MY CHILDREN ok can you take them on x day so we can go out? NO what about y? NO you need to watch your OWN CHILDREN!! im going out with MY GIRLFRIEND ffs I just did my own thing in the end

Lifeasiknowitisout · 12/12/2023 09:29

She has always felt she was better than him. That wasn’t worthy of love. And that no one else would want him and he wouldn’t get over her.

Its hurt her ego that he has moved on. And now someone else thinks he is worthy of a relationship, she is wondering if she was wrong and is she missing out.

VanityDiesHard · 12/12/2023 09:59

Is your name Sophie Price? On a serious note, your sister sounds like a complete nightmare and you shouldn't tolerate her nonsense. Just shut her down every time she starts.

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