How the hell do you co parent with a narcissist?

[imnotthenarc]

This has happened tonight.

Long back story but I have not seen him since calling the police at the end of October. No arrests were made, it was just reported.

We have a ds together who is 5.

Exh saw ds for the first time yesterday since calling the police. He picked ds up from my mum and dropped him off with my mum. I was not present.

All went ok. I was not present because I had been told earlier that morning that exh had changed his relationship status on Facebook and everyone knows who his new girlfriend now is. Whilst I am not bother by this, for him to change it hours before I was supposed to see him for the first time since calling the police, I knew he had done it on purpose to get upset me. It didn't work, I just chose not to see him and my mum took care of it. She had my back 100% and agrees that I do not need to see exh for as long as possible.

Anyway that was yesterday.

Today, he FaceTimed ds. I didn't answer the call as I was busy. He then text and rang me - I didn't respond however I was always going to FaceTime back when I was sorted for the evening.

He then sent another text asking why I am not responding. I told him I would be 5 minutes.

I then FaceTimed. Ds wasn't that interested really. He is 5 but unless I hold the phone, he won't speak to him.

Exh asked what we had been doing and why I had been so busy. I just said busy in the house. I then barely spoke to him over the FaceTime as I don't need too. I'm only there to hold the phone and encourage ds to talk. That's it.

The call then ended and exh text me straight away asking why I wasn't speaking to him and what had he done wrong....what had he done wrong! Nothing apart from years of abuse and controlling behaviour.

He then sent another text asking about Christmas arrangements which we had discussed. He then rang and I answered - stupidly.

He couldn't not ever recall having this discussion despite having it in a text. He told him this arrangement no longer works for him, that we never discussed it and he has a night out arranged and won't be in a good enough state to have ds on the day that he actually wanted!

Instead he wants ds all Xmas eve which I have told him previously that we have plans in the afternoon which he said was absolutely fine. He apparently can't recall any of this.

He then began shouting and I told him to watch his attitude. He then told me to 'get fucked' and hung up on me.

So he's now back to being blocked and back to the email address I used to communicate when he was being abusive last time.

I sent him an email to say I will not be spoken to like that and that he is fine to have ds on the day we originally agreed. I told him I would let social services know about his latest outburst. They were involved from the police. They have been amazing.

He replied with 'Jusr forget it, if you're going to make it difficult then I won't bother with ds at all. Have a nice Christmas'

How the hell do I co-parent with this? I'm not making anything difficult. He has changed everything without telling me and told me to 'get fucked' because....I don't even know why!

Do I just stop contact all together? Ds does love his dad. Massively. But that's now 3 emails I have received from him in the last 6 weeks saying he will stop seeing ds in one way or another.

I don't know if I can't cope co - parenting with him.

You’re frustrated and you don’t mean to but you’re feeding into his need for drama.

When he asks for the arrangement - just resend your last texts about it. If he calls - don’t answer. If he asks for something unreasonable “sorry that doesn’t work for us” … then stay silent. When he escalates “sorry I have to go now”.

You can't coparent with a narc!!! He doesn't give a shit about your ds, he is just a way for your ex to abuse you! Best thing i ever did was tell my narc ex to take me to court if he wanted access to the dc, of course he didn't bother because it would have meant him spending money and making an effort! I saved myself and the dc years of mental abuse by doing this and all the dc ( now adults) agree that having him removed from their lives was the best thing that could have happened to them.

I was stupid to answer I admit that. 100%. I should have known better and I suppose he does still have a small part of that control over me.

But I will say - I did keep it just about arrangements. I said too much though I know.

It's just learning how to communicate with him in this way. He's horrible.

Thank you for this. That really helped.

He wouldn't go to court. There's no chance. He's up to his eyeballs in debt for a start.

He also has another son which he hasn't seen since September. His mum has put a stop to contact and exh has made no effort to do anything about it. He's 10 and also wants no contact with his dad. Exh is apparently waiting for him to change his mind and realise his son's mistake.

I know exh doesn't care about his kids deep down. If he did, he wouldn't behave this way at all.

Minimal but polite (on your part) discussion. Make an arrangement then stick to it. Don't make or answer calls between the agreement and the arrangement. He turns up for arrangements or he doesn't.

Make sure to keep records. As you currently have SS involvement, make use of them. Don't moan about him to them but do make them aware of arrangements made and any failures of his to keep to those arrangements. Save text message exchanges. Keep your side of those exchanges simple.

The difficult part for you will be prepping your DS for visits if he frequently fails to show. Try prepping (having a bag, etc) without saying anything committal to DS. That way he won't be disappointed on the occasions it doesn't happen. This will only work while DS is small, obviously, but deal with tomorrow as it comes.

It is infuriating that you won't be able to make your own plans, but it won't be forever.

I have four year old with my (abusive) ex and I think he definitely is an undiagnosed narcissist. It is awful isn’t it, and honestly without this sounding horrible - I don’t think you can co parent with a narcissist. They will do everything in their power to make it a miserable experience for you and suck all joy from you and they will thrive off of that. My ex does that with FaceTime and messages and everything and claims it’s about our son, but tries speaking to me as if we’re friends. I ignore him and he kicks off saying that I’m preventing him from knowing about his child and all of that crap. Just plays the victim card. That’s one of the main things, he does wrong all the time and plays victim. Our child once came back with an empty bag which once had cannabis in tucked into his bag pocket (you could smell it). I brought it up to my ex and he played victim and shamed me for even bringing it up. I grey rock him and stand my ground when I need to, but continue to communicate as if I’m a robot - no emotion and just facts. It’s horrible as I have ptsd because of his abuse and having to ‘co parent’ with my abuser who’s main goal is to make me miserable is really impacting me and gives me a panic attack knowing I have to deal with him in my life for life.

Yes he always always plays the victim too. Always. Nothing is ever his fault. He blames all his behaviour on his mental health or anything else.

I know full well now he is going to tell everyone I am stopping contact over Christmas. Which I'm not - he's said he won't bother seeing him. I actually think he's done it all on purpose.

I told him I can see right through him - the only thing i said to him which wasn't related to ds.

Have you got social services involved? I have as the police referred me on to them and they have been lovely when I've spoken to them.

I'm sorry you are going through this too xx