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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to travel to in laws?

28 replies

Nurserymam · 11/12/2023 21:52

So I have an 3yo DD and have just had another in July. Me and my partner have been together a year this weekend (I know 😬) Our plans for Christmas involve driving 6 hours down to DP family (think we’re north east and they’re south east) through the night Boxing Day night as we literally cannot fit everything in.
Now my partner is in the army so lives here permanently so obviously spends a lot of time with my family, however I have only met his family less than ten times in the last year we’ve been together for distance reasons. I have two sisters who both live 3 hours away with my nephews who I don’t get to see a lot. His family are all younger siblings with their own busy lives so I feel like we won’t see a lot of them over Christmas anyway.
I know he’s got family that he wants to take our DD to meet for the first time but AIBU not wanting to go down? I have a 3 yo who loves seeing her family and I feel awful taking her away from all of her actual family and brand new toys to be with people who she doesn’t really know for a week at Christmas?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 11/12/2023 21:54

Don’t think you’re meant to have a baby in a car seat for so long and taking a new ish baby on such a long journey will be horrible. Couldn’t you go at a less stressful time and fly?

HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2023 21:56

If you’re going for a week, why do you have to drive through the night?

There has to be a compromise here.

Original poster
Nurserymam · 11/12/2023 21:57

I know we’ll have to make multiple stops through the night which will be a pain. No flights from closest airports unfortunately either. I also think we’ll need our car while where there

OP posts:
Crababbles · 11/12/2023 21:58

Is your second DD your partner’s? Will your first DD need to spend time with her paternal family?

No need to go for a week anyway but given that your partner rarely sees his family I can understand why he wants to.

Original poster
Nurserymam · 11/12/2023 21:59

@HeddaGarbled it’s not quite a full week because DP has to get back to work and a full day driving feels like a day wasted

OP posts:
Original poster
Nurserymam · 11/12/2023 22:00

@Crababbles yes so I get why he wants to take her down. First DD will see my family for Christmas lunch then will go straight to her dads until Boxing Day night so my family won’t really get to see her at all

OP posts:
TicTacNicNak · 11/12/2023 22:03

If you got with your partner last December then baby was either a preemie or is not his. Either way, such a young baby shouldn't spend that long in a car seat. I personally wouldn't want to make such a long journey with a newish baby. Can his parents come to visit you at Christmas instead?

Original poster
Nurserymam · 11/12/2023 22:08

@TicTacNicNak baby is definitely his, we officially got together this time last year but we’re seeing each other for a while before that. I mentioned them coming up and no one went for that idea and he has family and friends he wants her to meet. We have a lie flat car seat, not sure if that would make much of a difference

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 11/12/2023 22:09

Compromise and acknowledging that you share a child is going to be important, really. Else I doubt you’ll be together by this weekend next year.

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2023 22:11

In all honesty I'd put your 3 year old first this Christmas. She'll have had a lot of changes in the last year, a new man moving in and a new baby. I would do what would make her the most happy this Christmas.

Could you all visit his family at some point next year when time is less strained and the baby is a bit bigger?

Morechocmorechoc · 11/12/2023 22:17

When can you next go after Christmas? I wouldn't take a 3 yeR old overnight with stops so keeps waking. You'll all be tired, it will he miserable. Travel in the day if you're going.

Gymnopedie · 11/12/2023 22:51

My only reservation is taking a baby on such a long car journey. Travelling through the night has some advantages, including the possibility that your DD will sleep through all or most of it.

Otherwise I think YABU. Your DD will spend some of Christmas with your family, who will also get to see the DCs throughout the year. Whereas DP has family who have never even met the baby. And yes DD won't know anyone, but if you don't go this time you'll still be saying it next time this comes up.

Presumably DP gets limited time off and I don't know how much of what he does get he can take when it suits him. If he's got a decent amount of leave over Christmas I can see that he would think this is a good time to go. If his family are six hours drive away, popping down for a weekend isn't going to happen, is it?

ETA - I'd forgotten the bit about DD going to her dad's.

saraclara · 11/12/2023 23:04

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2023 22:11

In all honesty I'd put your 3 year old first this Christmas. She'll have had a lot of changes in the last year, a new man moving in and a new baby. I would do what would make her the most happy this Christmas.

Could you all visit his family at some point next year when time is less strained and the baby is a bit bigger?

Let's swap this over.

What if it was OP's family who lived six hours away and hadn't met the six month old yet? Would you still tell her it was fine not to go to stay with them, and to stay home and focus on her new partner's family who live nearby and see the kids a lot?

Maddy70 · 11/12/2023 23:17

I personally would go. But fly to the nearest airport then hire a car

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 11/12/2023 23:24

Presumably at this point people are expecting you?

Honestly I can understand your reluctance but I think you need to get on with it, especially given it’s now all planned. It’s six hours not twenty six, the baby is not a newborn, it’s perfectly doable. I’d go afternoon/evening, driving overnight and no sleep is frankly dangerous.

The real issue is you want to prioritise your family, your siblings, your nephews… I’d be pretty cheesed off if I was your partner. Would you really be ok with it if the situation was reversed?

Crababbles · 11/12/2023 23:27

So you’re spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with your family. I think it’s fair enough to travel to his afterwards.

LoveFridayNights · 11/12/2023 23:59

I think you should go but driving overnight is dangerous.

Ponoka7 · 12/12/2023 00:02

Your baby has two families and they both should be fitted in. You need a plan to be able to sleep, the next day, though.

HerMammy · 12/12/2023 00:17

driving overnight is dangerous.
better get all those lorries off the road eh?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/12/2023 00:28

LoveFridayNights · 11/12/2023 23:59

I think you should go but driving overnight is dangerous.

Surely that's only based on the assumption that the driver would be pulling an all-nighter? Whereas when I drive overnight, I've been to sleep in the day beforehand, so I'm not tired when driving. I find it's often better driving overnight as the traffic is much lighter.

NaughtybutNice77 · 12/12/2023 08:24

Is there some sort of compromise? You say your family won't see your children but they're spending Xmas day with them. Your daughter is then going to her dad's so presumably his family won't see him and your daughter on any of the 'main' days. Do you have to spend time at ILs as a 4. Why dont you and D1 fly down later. OH can take baby...that's who they really want to see and see some of his mates maybe then you 2 can join them.

JamieKnows · 12/12/2023 08:58

"I personally would go. But fly to the nearest airport then hire a car"

Oh yeah cause that'll be loads easier with a 3 year old and a baby 🤣🤣

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 12/12/2023 09:12

It's too late to change plans now. The plans sound awful but you agreed to them.

Original poster
Nurserymam · 12/12/2023 15:38

@Gymnopedie Both girls sleep really well so the driving won’t be an issue I don’t think and we’ll be setting off at about 7 so not late late into the night. All of his immediate family have met her there’s just one uncle who lives in Aus and a great aunt, the rest are all friends and family friends.
He should be off from this week so we’d have gone before Christmas however it’s first DD that is the issue (spiteful and won’t ever swap days/ times)

OP posts:
Original poster
Nurserymam · 12/12/2023 15:40

Financially flying is not an option and both airports are an hour away at each end so not really worth it

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