I have been through soooo much therapy. But all of my relationships throughout the past 10 years have went the same.
I meet someone, date them, develop feelings, start to become obsessive/ill over them, pull away or push them away by acting completely insane to the point they are left with no choice but to leave me. I then feel devastated until I'm over it where I vow to never date again.
Been seeing someone the past two months, going really well. He has actually made me feel quite secure most of the time. However, recently, that horrible anxious knot has came back and he has seen my 'crazy' side a few times. He reassures me and seems to accept its part of me, but that's not his job and if any of my friends were seeing me then I'd tell them to run.
I can feel myself getting obsessive and actually today I have been thinking 'I hope he doesn't contact me, I'm not going to respond'. Now I know deep down that's not what I want to do but it's almost an instinctual protective factor. I know I will ruin this if I continue as I will either pull away/go cold or I will behave so erratically that he will be forced to call it a day.
Thoughts of, 'I'm not good enough for him' 'he deserves better' 'he will go off me soon' are creeping in. I feel sick to my stomach. I try and relax and think what will be will be but I know I'll be hurt when it ends. I told my friend this and she said, 'but it doesn't need to end?' But I think inevitably it will so have this very strong urge to protect myself.
I have done so much counselling and work on myself. I am thriving in every aspect of my life. But when I start seeing someone romantically I spiral and with it, so does the rest of my life. Job/home/relationship with friends and family. It all goes to the wayside and becomes secondary to romantic relationships.
AIBU to just accept that I am not able to have healthy relationships? Is anyone else like this?