Why do people do this ?

[littleredhens]

DPs family distanced themselves completely when our dc received a SEN diagnosis. Extremely high needs. They never offered help or support at all. We asked a few times and were told ‘no we can’t help it’s too much responsibility/ we are busy/ tired/ insert excuse here’

So we accepted that and moved on. I gave up my job to be a carer and that’s how it is for us.

DP has 3 siblings. MIL is now in very poor health and needing care - we are far too busy but they’ve asked him to ‘step up’ and expect help . He has told them no - to use MIL savings to fund care and not to bother us again .

I don’t understand how people can behave a certain way and then expect to make demands a few years later after treating others badly??

And to add they included me - as I don’t work and ds is at school they want me to do any appts / pop in with shopping etc. I think as we are the closest but they aren’t that much further away (we live 20 mins drive from MIL they are all 40 min +)

YANBU, that's awful. But what I've noticed is when people have you earmarked as "the carer" they assume you'll do it for everyone. I was the main carer for my mum so my dad just expected me to move in and nurse him to his death as well. I didn't so obviously I am an abhorrent human being and so cruel/callous/ungrateful (to the man who walked out when I was 4 and paid not a penny of maintenance to my mother).

Stand your ground and try not to feel bad, it's them not you.

I’m just shocked that they think it is acceptable to treat is this way. We rarely hear from them and yet suddenly we are being summoned when it suits them !

YANBU obviously.

Its great that your partner is on the same page as you. Stand firm.

I'm sure they are gits and this is only one thing in a line of poor behaviour however just to offer a different perspective. My sister has a seriously disabled child and she has repeatedly berated me for not providing care for her child at weekends despite the fact I work a 60 hour week. It would be nice if I could help but I don't have the energy or the time.

I should also have put that I do meals on wheels everyday for our elderly granny

I don’t think the main issue is that people don’t provide support to the OP. It’s that people who don’t provide support then expect support back.

So - in your example - would you then ask/demand/expect help from this specific sister?

That is the issue.

Stand firm and grey rock them.

My in laws are the same.

we have two disabled DC who they refuse to help with as "they have too much high needs/do not want to take on the responsibility."
So we stopped helping the mother in law and left them to it!

No there's no point she hasn't the time to give either

I think looking after a child with ‘extremely high needs’ is quite different to asking for help with shopping or running to and from appointments, but don’t feel bad about it if it’s how you feel, they weren’t there when you needed them and that’s that.

out of interest, who is ‘they’ is it MIL and FIL or is it DH’s siblings that are trying to put the pressure on?

It is alot to ask of someone my nephew is doubly incontinent and is fed and medicated through a peg. I am terrified I would do it wrong and harm him I also can't lift him as he's a big lad. Also he uses a wheelchair but can walk and will scarper first chance he gets I just can't give her the support she needs.

I’m just shocked that they think it is acceptable to treat is this way.

It's not that shocking though, given how they behaved in relation to your DC, is it?

Obviously, it's still hurtful and disappointing behaviour, but it's not a surprise that they're still how they were previously.

While I can understand how hurtful and frustrating this may be for you, I think you need to need to take a wider perspective. You say your child has extremely high needs but not everyone is able to cope with caring for a child with high medical or behavioural needs. I work with children with high needs and get told all the time ‘I couldn’t do your job’ by various people because that’s genuinely how they feel.

I realise as parents you don’t get a choice, but other people are allowed to have their own boundaries. It could be that now MiL has a different insight into how harsh life can be that she regrets not being more supportive.

In this instance I would say that caring for a disabled child and dropping a bag of shopping in every week are vastly different things.

I don't think YABU but I also don't think this is super straightforward if it's your DH's siblings asking this of you. The burden of care is now falling to the siblings so if they haven't refused to help you in the past I understand their perspective. They are the ones having to do more because you won't, and (I'm assuming) they aren't the ones who turned you down when you needed help. I do think though that there shouldn't be an obligation, particularly if there are savings there that can be used.

Well you reap what you sow. There are lots of ways I'm sure they could have supported even if they genuinely couldn't manage babysitting to those saying they shouldn't be expected to do so.

Sounds like the in-laws didn’t help the OP in any way, such as e.g. dropping a bag of shopping in.

And now they are reaping the repercussions of that.

MIL has savings, she can buy in some help.

YANBU OP.

I can actually understand your ILs feeling unable to help with high-need SEN GCs, but by that same logic they should realise you have the least spare capacity to help them.