Stop talking about death and grief?

[ACityOnAHill]

I wasn't sure where to ask about this but long short short - my sister and I lost our Mum to cancer (after a very long period of severe illness) at the beginning of the year. My DS was incredibly close to his Grandma but was 2.5years when she passed. We've told him she's in heaven and we'll see her again one day. However he will, unprovoked, ask about her - when is she coming, can I call her etc. He started asking my sister about his Grandma today and then appeared very sad talking about her.
My sister is saying I shouldn't talk about or mention his Grandma at all and shut down all talk in the future for the sake of his mental health.
AIBU to think that's a massive ask and that he needs room to grieve too? Am I going about it the wrong way to keep his Grandma's memory alive?

I think your sister is wrong.

There are various children's stories which can help small children understand death. One is 'Badgers Parting Gifts', which my dd asked for a lot when a great- uncle she was fond of died when she was 3.

I think you need to look at resources that can help you explain it in a way he can understand.

I think its essential to keep her memory alive and to talk about her as much as he wants to, share pictures etc. We talk about my dead parents and other relatives all the time with my kids as a normal part of life. I personally think that euphemisms like passed are incredibly unhelpful - how can a 2 year old understand the finality of his grandmother 'passing' when other things 'pass' (like a car) that he knows still exist. That said, Im no expert so I would get some professional advice from a relevant charity.

Well, your sister is wrong, obviously, but you are confusing the issue by talking about her going to heaven and that he’ll see her again. To a small child, that suggests she’s not dead, she’s just gone somewhere, and there’s no reason not expect to be able to call her, or be visited by her. I think you need to look at clearer ways of explaining death.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I got a call from preschool one day, they were concerned that dd was very sad about greatgrandad dying and they wanted to pass on their condolences. He had died, but 10 years earlier and she had never met him! However we have always been very open and honest about death.

When great grandma passed both ds and dd were sad, they knew her well and really missed her. They are always allowed to talk to us about her and ask questions. They are a bit older so I have also told them it is important to consider other people's feelings.

At 2.5 I think it is important to talk openly and honestly, but it may still be too upsetting for your sister so maybe you could divert him/whisk him away to answer questions when she is there?

First of all, I'm really sorry you lost your mum. It must have been a really difficult year for you.

I think it's important that you talk about Grandma with your DS whenever he wants to talk about her. Of course sometimes he will be sad and will miss her, but it's a lot better for him if he can express that and talk about it (and about her) without being shut down or dismissed or having the subject changed. Like you say - he needs time to grieve too.

I do agree with a PP that saying 'She's gone to Heaven and we'll see her again one day' was perhaps not the ideal thing to tell him. Of course I understand why you might have said that, if that is your religious belief, but I think it's very hard for a toddler to understand the concept of someone going away completely like that, which is why he's asking if he can phone her. And if you say 'We'll see her again one day', even if you add, 'but not for a very long time', he will probably keeping asking when she's coming back. 'Not for a very long time yet' for a toddler can mean Christmas, or next Tuesday, or after tea.

So if there's any way you think you could manage to have a conversation that's a little bit more within his realm of understanding, so that he understands she isn't going to be coming back in the way he's imagining, I think that might help. Also if you'd like him to share a belief in Heaven, perhaps explain a bit more about what Heaven is and be a bit more open about what you believe happens when people die, and why that means he can't phone her etc.

My DD lost her dad at the same age, and my DS was 4.5.

I don't personally think it's a good thing to keep raking up loss for children who are so young. I answered questions and spoke about him when he was brought up, but I did not actively bring him into conversation. I felt that was the right balance. I still follow the same pattern now, eight years later.

Death and grief are normal experiences in everyone's life. Surely it's better for your son to be completely open about what happened? Keeping it "a secret" could lead to all sorts of issues later on.

I think your sister is entirely wrong. My brother died when he was 21 and I thought my parents’ attitude was admirable. They never stopped mentioning him, usually in a really matter of fact and casual way. It kept him alive until they died and now I’ve kind of taken over. He crops up every now and then in conversation and I love the memory of him. If you want to protect your son’s mental health ignore your sister.

You shouldn't stop talking about your mum.

I think you need to be more matter of fact with your son though. That grandma died and it's very sad, but we won't see her now because her body is gone. We can remember her by doing this/drawing a picture/talking about fun times or places we've been.

Are you religious? If not, I wouldn't be talking about heaven at all. Young children are quite pragmatic and understand that people, plants and animals die when they are old/sick/have an accident.

I don't think you should stop talking about her but it sounds like you need to be a bit clearer with him that she won't be coming back as it sounds like he doesn't really understand what you have told him. I can understand why it would be upsetting for your sister for him to be asking those kind of questions.

I don't think you should stop talking about her but I do think you have caused confusion by saying she's in heaven and you'll see her again one day.
He does not understand what you mean. You mean in the sense of a religious belief in life after death and that when we die we will be reunited with our loved ones in heaven.
Your child doesn't understand that and thinks you mean he'll see her again on this earth one day. That's why he keeps asking and why he wants to phone her because he hasn't understood that she has died and that her soul has gone to heaven (I'm assuming that's in line with your religious beliefs based on what you said in the OP) and therefore she can't pick up a phone.
I think you should look at reading some story books which deal with death - I am sure some posters who have been through this with a child can recommend something. He needs to have a better concept of what death actually involves before he can begin to understand it.

I think your sister is absolutely wrong. He needs to talk about it in his own (a child’s) way.

I think you need to talk about it with him, making sure it is age appropriate of course.

Death is part of life. I am country Irish so have had more exposure to death from.a very young age. My daughter was born a year after my father died and I tell her funny stories about him all the time. Its natural.