Man blowing hot and cold

[kopinh]

I have been seeing a man for two months now, we met at a wedding as I honestly was quite happy being single.

Things have been good with this guy, we've had about 1-2 dates per week due to him being an hour drive away. We have had sex - all good.

However, I've noticed since we've met, he goes through a pattern of chasing me and really coming across as eager a few days after a date to then becoming quite dry and cold. He still responds, but it's very cold and it makes me feel uneasy (which is probably my issue more than his).

When I then match his energy, he comes on stronger again. I'm 31 with children and really don't have time for games. But I'm unsure if I'm just being paranoid?

He is consistent in what he says, he's never cancelled a date etc and is always warm when he is with me. It's just after a date he is texting and full of compliments then he just kind of goes quite distant and cold and almost as if I'm bothering him.

For instant last night he text and said his mum was asking about me. I replied and said ohh what were you saying to it? He then just didn't reply at all. This is unlike him. I then text him this afternoon just saying 'hey hope you're having a good day'. He text back immediately and tried to keep the convo going but didn't mention the fact that he just ignored me all last night.

He says he's not talking to others but who knows. Is this normal for men or am I Right to feel uneasy?

When we did get on to the discussion again what he said to his mum was 'Haha i just said too early to say for sure but i like her'.

Trust your instincts. Nothing good will come of a man who blows hot and cold like this.

Was he with his mother yesterday and therefore unlikely to be on his phone much?

I’d get rid while it’s still casual. If he’s a headf*ck early doors, he’s not going to get any better.

Ugh why do they do this?

No he was in his flat, he was on phone to her.

Bin him.

Can't believe what I'm reading here. Sounds like he's a decent guy who isn't much into texting. For me that would be refreshing but obviously if you need more communication that's also fair enough. Find someone more suitable.

It's a massive leap to accuse him of ignoring you or talking to other people.

I’m a bad texter and find it hard to respond immediately and to write messages which are friendly, lengthy and enthusiastic. I really struggle to put emotions in text form. The examples you give don’t seem that bad at all. Expecting a response within a day seems high maintenance to me. Maybe he isn’t blowing cold but simply a bad texter. Why don’t you just ask him about it?

I’d say it’s very normal to message more on some days than others. But if it’s an issue for you, you should raise it with him.

It’s too early days to put up with silliness. Just cool it off. If he asks you then by all means give him an honest answer, but I’d move on

I agree with this. I often find myself struggling to be "chatty" via text. To me text is for making basic arrangements or briefly checking in with someone.

Thisng have changed so much. When I first met DH he was in the Army. If he was in UK we spoke on the phone once a week, when he was on exercise it was less than that.

He could be just really bad at texting?
Would you be better off having a call at a set frequency that you're both comfortable with?
It's early days but some people (men and women alike) find constant texting too much - maybe he's like that.

On the other hand I do believe we should trust our instincts - so your gut may be trying to tell you something.

I think it's quite normal/common for people to be a bit busy and not text as much some days but are on their phone more other days so will text more? Even when it is your best friend, your wife/husband, your mother, or anybody else. It's just impossible to be available to text 24/7 if you work, have a social life, see family etc.

That being said, sometimes you just know because you have a gut feeling and then it turns out to be correct. Sometimes everything on the surface is great but your gut feelings tell you it isn't, our instincts do protect us sometimes.

So trust your gut if that's what it is. Otherwise he could just be busy doing life so isn't going to text as much every single day

it makes me feel uneasy

This bit is the key to the the whole post. There's your answer. He makes you feel uneasy, you're a mother of children, don't invite this into your lives.

Those saying maybe he's just not into texting: then don't start a conversation you don't want to finish. He is chatty before the date and not afterwards

It actually seems he is more chatty after the date and then goes cold/quiet leading up to it.

OK whatever.

Some people feel the need to monitor their phone 24/7 and text constantly. Others use texting as a basic messaging tool. Most people are somewhere in the middle.

Give the guy a chance - you're not 14 and looking to be absolutely mirrored in your texting conduct seems a bit extreme to me.

I don't like full on text conversations and I quite often don't reply to someone who for example says 'I didn't sleep well last night'

but I will text back the next day and say 'are we still meeting tomorrow' . In my head I'm not ignoring them , I just don't want a backwards and forwards conversation.

I think your example is an overreaction on your part, however I couldn’t say that for all the instances where you’ve felt uneasy.

Some people aren’t very text chatty, but I don’t think there’s enough detail to say whether it means anything more.

It probably is an over reaction. And I definitely have an anxious attachment style, but unfortunately I seem to always attract men with avoidant attachment styles so I am left feeling like this with most men I am with. It's just such a stark contrast though to me, but I feel it's not obvious enough that if I was to bring it up I'd look a bit clingy/desperate.

I think this week I'm just going to pull right back and see what happens. We are meant to be meeting on Saturday so shall see.

I think loads of posters are missing the point here, this isn't about whether he's a texted or not (although I howled with laughter at the person who ignores messages and then wrote 'in my head I'm not ignoring them' thanks for the lols).

It's about him changing his communication patterns. If he was always a dry texter the OP wouldn't say he blows hot and cold.

Op, he sounds like a classic avoidant, probably scares himself on the regular about intimacy and takes it out on you.

If you have an anxious attachment style this is the worst kind of match for you. It's only been a couple of months and it's already uncomfortable.

In your shoes id only bother with someone who is comfortable in his own skin and doesn't need to seek contact then withdraw. It's exhausting, but also it's shit boring, he's a grown man, he should be capable of more.