Hello! I was hoping to ask you all about a scenario in my life now from a year ago. I'm not really planning on changing my decision, but it does weigh on my conscience a little. I'd like to know whether I was just being utterly unreasonable or not. This is quite likely to be a long story, but I don't want to drip feed or leave details out.
I had a very close friend for 10 years. We'd orbited each other for a couple of years before that, however she was in a relationship at that time which took almost all of her social time/energy, so I didn't really know her in a personal way until that relationship ended.
Over the course of 10 years, we'd had several conversations about her previous relationship, and how unhealthy it was for her to only ever socialise with her partner. She'd vowed to not do it again, and over 8 years and several partners, she'd sincerely kept to her word, and maintained multiple friendships alongside various (short-term) relationships. Note - these conversations were only ever instigated by her, and while I thought she was right, it wasn't a scenario where she was making any promises to me in particular. It was definitely more of a self reflection, trying to be healthier sort of thing.
Three years ago she met her current partner (OLD). It was immediately incredibly intense - she actually ended their first date crying over the fact they were not yet exclusive. Over the course of their first year, they had multiple issues, and they would always result in my friend phoning me crying, often for hours, and at inconvenient times (usually late at night). She'd been a rock for me when I went through difficult times in the past, so I was completely happy to support her emotionally, especially in the beginning.
Note - I really don't think her partner is a "bad person". Often their disagreements were fairly superficial, but my friend was just so immediately attached and terrified of the relationship ending, that she overreacted quite badly. She also kept her overreaction secret from her partner as far as I know. (Example of such a disagreement - her partner mentioned he'd go back to his home country for 2-3 months as he'd not been home since Covid, my friend hugely panicked, panic attacks every night, over the thought of this). The result of having these huge emotional reactions, while also not talking to her partner directly about it out of fear of appearing "crazy", led her to lean really heavily on me for around 2 years.
In the 2nd year of this, things had improved a lot - the breakdowns were much less frequent. However, in the 2nd year I also noticed that she simply did not want to talk to me if it was not about her partner. She would take a week or two to reply to me, until the moment she needed me again, and then she would phone me crying. Further, she would not meet me in person, without her partner present. She would even go so far as to change plans at the last minute such that her partner would "need" to come with us to lunch, a coffee etc.
Again - as clarification, I sincerely do not believe her partner was controlling her (although, how could I ever know?) Often, he would try to leave our coffees/ lunches to give us space, and she would insist he stayed, or else in general try to ask me questions about myself - and my friend would redirect the conversation to being about their relationship. This could be me being very foolish, but I sincerely do not think the partner was the problem.
Fast forward to a year ago - I went through a bad breakup myself, and she was simply not there for me. The details don't particularly matter, but she would not reply to me, her replies were superficial, would not meet with me or phone me etc. However, she would still initiate conversations about her partner, expect support about her worries etc.
I warned her 3x this was not a friendship I could maintain, and during the last time, asked her for space for a couple of months. We then reunited some time later, however she acted the exact same, almost immediately. The last time we talked I'd sent her a message (general, life update, asking her things about her work, her family), and she did not reply for 3 weeks. I blocked her, and we've never spoken since.
I feel like I may have been unreasonable, because I guess simply blocking her instead of explaining that I don't want to be her friend anymore is essentially "friendship ghosting" and a 10-year friendship deserved better. I also feel like maybe I was unreasonable because maybe this is what adult friendships are once people are settling down - conversations just do become about partners/relationships/children.