Giving and receiving of presents

[Mumsince2021x]

First time posting on here so apologies as don’t know all the acronyms 😂

So husband and I were one of the last to have kids in our group meaning for years we’ve been buying all the kids presents without having them (absolutely fine we liked it!)

Fast forward to the year DC was born and no gift given to them from our supposedly very good friends (best man at our wedding/we are godparents to their oldest DC). We were incredibly disappointed that our DC was clearly not thought of at all (I would have thought yay my fiends have had a baby and it’s their first Xmas!) but fine, we let it go.

Fast forward to our DCs second Christmas and we of course buy for all of friends kids including this couple along with their new baby. And again no gift given to our kid….again we are genuinely really sad and disappointed.

I totally get you don’t give to receive and I would really understand if they before Christmas sent a courtesy message to say we are scaling back Xmas shall we knock presents on the head. Fine! Totally get that. But they haven’t and it’s just very disappointing they haven’t bothered to think about us at all after years of buying for theirs, driving across the county to drop said presenters off and generally just being much more thoughtful.

AIBU to feel like this? And what would you all do? Hubs and I feel if we buy again and they don’t we’ll just feel annoyed again for the year. However we feel bad not buying when one of the two kids is our godchild.

Really grappling with trying not to feel annoyed to thinking you don’t give to receive….

Maybe they never expected gifts for their DC, didn't know how to bring it up and have used this as a way of saying they don't want to exchange without being explicit.

Yes they should have been grown-up and actually had the conversation but it's tricky. I'd just leave it. Don't buy, don't expect anything, save everyone a lot of hassle.

Follow their lead and don't buy the children presents.

From experience, the first people in a friendship group to have a baby tend to receive presents for it, because of the novelty factor. Once everyone has had babies, the enthusiasm and novelty has truly worn off and few people really want to spend money on a dozen or more presents for friends’ children. It’s not “fair”, if you were the last person who has always given to the first, but it’s just how it goes. They’ve indicted through not buying for yours that it doesn’t need to continue, so don’t do it.

Yes I agree! When I take away the feeling of being disappointed, I think perhaps they’re not bothered and it’s a good way to cull it (annoying they don’t just say that though).

I then feel guilty because one of them is our godchild. 🤦🏻‍♀️ But I agree, I suppose we could just not buy and if they don’t either then that’s it.

Fully aware that perhaps we could broach the subject in advance…

I’d buy something token for the godchild but no others

@Lastqueenofscotland2 if the godchild has a sibling what would you do?! Feel bad only buying for one.

Ask them. If they don't want to start the conversation you'll have to. Say you are happy to keep doing presents if they would like but happy to stop otherwise. Or if you want to buy then just do and don't think about whether it'd reciprocal or not.

Could you buy a joint gift, obviously depending on their ages, like a bath toy, they could both use or a book or just a little gift, selection box.

I had a friend who suddenly stopped buying mine presents when they were young teens (without saying anything which was annoying). So I had a conversation with her about her not wanting to buy for the kids anymore which she confirmed. Her youngest is my godson so I carried on for him until he reached 18. I wanted to do that - it was totally my decision.

Your godchild's sibling will probably be getting a heap of presents and probably won't even notice. If they do, you are buying for your godchild, I'm sure they would understand that.

Agreed with @ComtesseDeSpair it’s come to look like it’s all about who’s first past the post 😂

We were the first to have kids in my group and the last in DHs. So we got the same treatment as you from his (older) friends (people with kids we’d bought stuff for for years didn’t reciprocate) while all my pals bought our baby gifts, though they didn’t have any children themselves. Might be something to do with my pals being female and his being male, so their wives would have had to add a bit onto the mental load for our kids (not saying this is how it should be, but I think it’s how it often is).

I also think maybe some people like buying gifts for tinies cos they’re cute, and if you’re a keen shopper or child-oriented or planning a family yourself it’s a bit of fun to find a snowman baby-gro or whatever. Once you’ve got kids there’s not much novelty in it, I can see that.

However the first birthers may not feel comfortable saying ‘can we knock this on the head now’ because it’s basically admitting they’ve had years of presents from you but for whatever reason, don’t want to reciprocate.

When all my mates had their kids a year or two behind, I did the stuffed toy and chocolate penguin buying for a few years, and when they got to about five I did one final year of buying the younger kids a much bigger gift, THEN said let’s stop this. I hoped that way it sort of balanced out and we didn’t seem like takers.

With DH’s friends who didn’t acknowledge our kids’ first Christmas, I took that as a hint and didn’t bother again. I don’t see your thinking as giving to get but more about feeling there’s a lack of regard. Gifts don’t have to be objects, I’d feel strange about taking a gift and not responding in some way. Reciprocation doesn’t have to be an exact financial match, it could be a thoughtful act or something.