This is really petty but it’s playing on my mind!

[Thattimeofthemonth]

I’m the only black woman in my team of 30 and I struggle to fit in anyway but I am continuously pushing myself so I don’t feel left out. Since I have started my position only one or two people have reached out to me. Which is fine! I have been there 5 months now so I should be feeling comfortable.

We had a Christmas event last week and we were put into small teams for a Christmas quiz. I’m not quiz master but I knew the few that popped up. I was giving my answers and it was almost like she didn’t trust me it was weird! She didn’t write any of my answers down that I gave and left them blank. My manager had to be like “hey d has you given you those answers put them down”

I was socialising with some of our clients on the evening and she was just staring at me the whole time it was very weird. I’m not sure if she feels uncomfortable around me or whether she thinks I’m in not intelligent enough?

This may be not the correct place to post this. Am I being silly or would you feel offended?

As your manager has noticed, then you could raise the issue. Not writing down your answers is insulting. I've had the same problem in quizzes. I'm white so not racism in my case, but I am a middle aged woman with a local accent, and sadly I find women worse than men for this! I've had to justify how I know things to get them written down, when other people are just trusted. The staring is weird and would make me uncomfortable too.

It's certainly sounds like she doesn't like you.

It’s not petty. She’s making you feel uncomfortable and the staring is very weird.

How does she approach and treat you at work ?

The quiz one happens to me all the time. I don't know why but I get exactly the same thing from people with every pub quiz I've ever participated in.

The staring is plain rude though.

She does sound weird. I'd mention it to your manager, but in a "That was so weird!" context, about the party. Don't suggest that you think she might be racist, as people tend to recoil when the thought is actually voiced. If your manager has any brains at all then she will think it herself.

She sounds weird and creepy. I'm from a small town and that's how people would act when someone they didn't know walked in. It's so small-minded and rude. But mostly creepy. I would try to rise above it and be the better person, but I don't think they are worth letting it bother you. If anything malicious happens you should report it though.

Sadly I would not be surprised if this was racist. Some people can be absolute dickheads. Sorry you've had to go through this

I agree with this op. 💐💐

Wow, what a horrible experience for you. I'd raise this with your manager in a 'how strange was that' way in case it happens again too.

I would feel so uncomfortable in this situation. I think she needs to be spoken to about this!

Thanks all I’m trying to see in it in so many different ways I don’t want to jump to racism as that’s a huge jump. We live in a small town which is predominantly white so may be she just hasn’t been around other non-white people before. Not that I’m trying to make excuses for her.

It was the quiz thing that wound me up the most 🤣

The quiz thing is quite common. Happens to me too!

I would raise it in a gentle way with management, especially if its continual behaviour in the work place - excluding you, making you feel less than etc.

To go slightly against the grain I would be careful around accusing anybody of racism unless they have made it clear their actions are based on this. This persons behaviour is not acceptable and is having an impact on you which is not ok, however she may be rude/not very nice in general or have taken a dislike to you for any reason other than race. Raise it with management and let them do what they need to do to so this can be resolved

Quiz thing is normal... the pressure of someone spelling something wrong, not hearing correctly, getting the blame for the wrong answer.. I never write the answers anymore 😂

The staring thing could be she's in a world of her own, maybe she's admiring your face - who knows?!

Unless there is more to it then I couldn't get worked up by those two things alone.

OP repost this in the Blackmumsnetters section
I think you will get more relevant replies
I think this is an example of a racist micro aggression but lots of people will refuse to believe that is a thing that exists.
I doubt this woman intended to be racist or possibly that she even realises it but her opinion of you and actions towards you are likely based in racial stereotypes at an unconscious level.
Does the company run any diversity training? Maybe they should.

The quiz thing would’ve wound me up too op (super competitive quizzes here!)

she sounds horrible and it’s not petty, it must’ve been really uncomfortable.

I strongly suspect racism myself but who knows, she might “just” be an arsehole in general.

I agree with this.

Its rubbish that we haven’t evolved further than this.

I hope you allowed yourself a bit of inner smug when you were proved right OP.

Is it a microaggression that you seem to have assumed all of us responding on this thread are white because we don't post on the Black Mumsnetters board or don't subscribe to their groupthink? Because I'm not white and I don't like the vibe on that board so I've hidden it. I doubt I'm the only one. 🤷‍♀️

Sadly sounds like racism, and your manager noticed it too.

Maybe you could go and see your manager today and say "Wasn't it strange X not putting my answers down. Why do you think that was?"

And mention she seems to treat you differently at work too.

The manager seems switched on, she'll know what you're hinting at.

Why is racism the go to reason ? Maybe she just doesn't like Thattimeofthemonth We have all come across people that we don't like/they don't like us and have no reason for it that we know of. Maybe she thought her best mate was going to get that job on her team, maybe OP used her coffee mug or hung her coat on the "wrong" peg or she maybe she is a racist. But why is racism always the default reason?

It’s good that your manager noticed it. Flag anything else so there’s a record.

It’s so shitty of this woman. I’ve been on the end of similar, when I ended up in a quiz team that was mostly men. I had to say “HEY, I GAVE YOU THAT ANSWER” a couple of times and it was really annoying. It was sexism in that situation.

Is she generally a bit of a knob to people or is she very different with you? If you feel that she treats you differently and it’s making you uncomfortable then I’d raise it with your manager. She may be doing it consciously, she may not, but she needs to be made aware of how she’s coming across.

It's horrible, isn't it. When I was younger I used to have really bad psoriasis on my face. I looked burned. People would act really odd towards me. Friendly, but standoffish. Avoidant. Like you, there was one colleague in particular who used to just stare at me any time I was there. It was so uncomfortable. I felt like an alien or a zoo animal.

Don't let anyone tell you that you are just being paranoid, or that it is all in your head. It isn't. Some people just don't know how to handle anyone who looks "different" to them.

Hey - I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. I think it’s completely valid to talk to your manager. I don’t agree that talking about racism needs to be avoided - whether or not you raise it, it should be the first thing in their mind as a possibility! Ie I’d expect them to treat it seriously and sensitively if it’s a good company - and think about general actions eg training as well.