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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For people without much family

15 replies

alphadawg · 10/12/2023 22:27

It's always difficult at this time of year when everything is all about family and love and time together.

I'm blessed to have my dh and two dc. My mum is also around but not in the best health. But other than that there's no other family. I'm an only child, so is my mum. My dad died a few years ago and his sibling and family live 4 hours away and we never see them. All grandparents passed away some time ago, including my dh parents.

I can't help but think sometimes what would happen to my dc if anything happened to me. There's literally no other family to take them in. And on a more shallow scale I find it so hard seeing friends with massive families having big parties and lovely times together at this time of year. Families who go out of their way to make their dc feel special and loved, make happy memories for them and just support them through life.

My mum has withdrawn a lot since my dad died. She has health issues she won't address and spends a lot of time alone drinking. My dh is really my only support and without him I would honestly be totally alone with dc. My dc are still young and I worry so much about them, as well as feeling sad that they won't have lovely memories of grandparents like I did.

Is anyone else in the same boat? I know many people are alone at Christmas but for me it's a daily worry about the 'what ifs' for my kids.

OP posts:

Happyharry2003 · 10/12/2023 22:30

I used to feel like you op when my children were younger. Now they’re older teens I am so proud of how we have managed on our own to bring them up as such lovely people. We genuinely all enjoy each others company. I have also learnt that whilst there are lots of happy big families, equally there are ones who have all sorts of turmoil behind the Instagram smiles. But I do understand how sad it can make you feel. It’s ok to feel like that but I hope one day you can be proud of how you made your children’s lives special without the help of others. Happy Christmas!

Aliceinnorthernland · 10/12/2023 22:34

Similar here. I have a sister and her family , but don't get on well with BIL so it's not like we do much together. My parents died this year. DH has one sister, both of his parents died years ago. No extended family on either side.

My DCs have cousins (sisters DCs) but they aren't close.

SIL has never made much effort with my DCs who are now late teens. I feel very sad that they haven't had the experience of extended family. It's rather sad . I always find Christmas difficult as we don't have the big family that others seems to, but moreso this year without my parents. 😞

StarDolphins · 10/12/2023 22:35

I am! It’s literally me & my DD (I have an elderly & housebound mum & uncles/cousins that I don’t see that live down south). I have lovely friends & I just cherish these.

I am still in touch with ex pil so my DD does have grandparents but they don’t live local. I am still v good friends with my first boyfriends parents & my DD is close to them.

I think we just have to make the best out of what we’ve been dealt, if you can’t change it, no point worrying about it type thing.

Waynesplanet · 10/12/2023 22:40

We have a very small extended family due to significant dysfunction on both sides. As a pp said I have older kids now and it is really great how fantastic they are. I really focus on the things we have as best I can and that has allowed me to really enjoy life now.

SecondHandFurniture · 10/12/2023 22:42

I'm not too fussed about Christmas/large gatherings, and fortunately DS still has all 4 grandparents, but they are all entering their 70s with various chronic health issues. I have similar worries about DS as they're the only family who could take him if we died. And he's only 5. SiL is in her 40s but she's single and works 7 days a week so could be, at a push, a roof over the head of a young adult. It is hard sometimes.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/12/2023 22:45

Parents have died, no children, brother with whom I'm no contact.

lensam · 10/12/2023 22:51

I'm pretty content with our family life revolving around DH and the dc. I went nc with my parents & siblings, and PILs are abroad so it is just us. I don't fret too much about who will take the dcs etc - it's very unlikely to happen so not worth the headspace. I love that we can plan our time together and not have to make time for family visits, and nice to just spend our time with people whose company bring us joy - not the case with my family so I'm glad not to feel the obligation.

Original poster

alphadawg · 10/12/2023 22:53

I know I'm very lucky to have my dc and they are my family of course. It's just an extra layer of sadness and worry. Filling next of kin forms in at school for example. It just gets me wondering what the hell would happen to them if anything bad happened to me or dh. Dh is 51, I'm 39 so he's not exactly a spring chicken and he drinks and smokes. I tell him off all the time for this because I feel like he needs to look after himself more for our sakes if not for his.

I'm lucky to have some close friends but none I would ever expect to be able to take my dc if I wasn't here. They all have their own families and commitments. It's just a very sad state of affairs. I never minded being an only child growing up but as I've reached adulthood and lost so many family members I really wish I had someone close to me for support.

OP posts:

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/12/2023 22:54

It's just me and DD. We go to friends for Christmas. I appreciate that we're invited but sad that we don't have 'our own' Christmas. I hate this time of year. It's all I can do not to fall down a deep dark hole mentally. I breathe a sigh of relief when January comes around.

AnybodyAnywhere · 10/12/2023 23:04

I only have one living relative and she’s 97 and in Australia. I only really have DH, no children. DH has a large family but doesn’t speak to any except one bother here and one in USA.
I have friends but they all have grandchildren or live quite far away.

It is a bit depressing when everything on TV shows big happy families but DH and I have come to quite appreciate our quiet, relaxed Christmases.

Hbh17 · 10/12/2023 23:09

Families are not always a blessing. Friends are the people we choose in life, and they are the ones we can depend on. There doesn't need to be a huge number, either. I was named guardian for my best friend's child - that is the obvious solution to your dilemma.

Thighdentitycrisis · 10/12/2023 23:12

very small family and I don’t tend to spend time with them except with my adult DS. His gf has a very close and larger family and I think he loves that aspect.

LuluBlakey1 · 10/12/2023 23:21

I only have DH. I m an only child and both my parents are dead. I have cousins in Australia and New Zealand - who I have either never met or have not seen in many years and have little contact with. My parents' siblings are dead so I have no aunts or uncles- just the wife of my dad's dead, eldest brother who I have no contact with. I have a much older cousin in London - who is almost 70 to my 44.
DH has a sister who moved to Scotland and then left her husband and two children and cut all contact with her parents, grandma and DH. She lives miles from anywhere- we don't even have an address.
So we have PIL (early 70s) and DH's grandma (90s). That's it. If something happened to us, PIL would have our 3 DC (4,6 and almost 9) but although they would manage at the minute, I doubt in 10 years time they would. It worries me. If I didn't have DH, I'd have no one at all.

GardenGuardian · 10/12/2023 23:37

I only have my parents, and a sibling and their spouse who live overseas. This year I’m on my own but I guess it’s practice for the future…

Mariposista · 10/12/2023 23:44

One thing I have learned in the last year is that love, community, support and care does not necessarily come from family, whether or not you have it.
Your circle is often who you choose to let into your life.

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