PIL never happy with DD behavior

[Magicunicornpower]

Sensitive subject as many will think that I don't like my PIL. At this point is difficult to avoid some friction as they constantly find any problem under the sun to justify my DD behavior. My nearly 4yo is very shy with them (most of the times). I can see she's comfortable with people she sees on a daily basis but maybe because she spends long periods without socializing with them it takes her some time to warm up. Once she's comfortable with her surroundings she's playful and very sweet with them. Last week it happened again. She was shy, took her time to warm up and then she was lovely. Soon enough PIL started saying that she must have an undiagnosed underlying issue. Asked if I talked with the teachers at nursery about it. (About what?! Being shy!) They went from ADHD to OCD, because she likes to keep her things organized and she's quite tidy, and landing in Autism. Soon enough her cousin arrived (they love each other) and DD jumped in her arms. Their comment "see, this is normal behavior, that's how she should be all the time"! They gave me a book! 5 steps to shape good behavior!
She is a happy clever toddler. Well behaved at nursery, no red flags so far. AIBU thinking this is out of line! Comments come out every time she doesn't meet their expectations!

My DD was very similar to this at that age. She didn't see PILs often and would take a good few hours to warm up to even a more reserved level, by which time they'd be leaving. Nothing was ever said along the lines of similar to what you have described but MIL always really got our backs up by constantly saying in her presence "oh she's shy", "you're being shy", "don't you want to talk to nana"

A kid that is shy doesn't want to hear that rammed back down their throat constantly. It's mean. We called her out on it and she eventually stopped.

DD grew out of it by the time she was 5. No advice other than to advocate for your daughter and hopefully they'll back off

That’s horrible of them … my own dm likes drama and once said there is something wrong with him in front of him
I said to her ‘please do NOT make those comments again and why on earth would you say that? ‘ it stopped

could you distance yourself from them ?

Ds

If they saw how she was with her cousin how did they not see that its most likely their behaviour making her shy towards them?

At nearly 4 your dd hasn't been a toddler for quite some time. However, her behaviour sounds perfectly age appropriate.

Ignore your inlaws comments about neurodiversity. If she is, there will be other, clearer signs as she grows up.

You need to speak up and shut this nonsense down as soon as they start. I would say “she is shy around people she doesn’t see often” and then tell them
to keep their stupidity to themselves. You can have them
telling your dd she is is undiagnosed, what horrible people.

Oh bless her. She sounds perfectly normal. Some young children just aren’t as extroverted as others 🙁

You need to get your DH to have a word. He needs to tell them if they can’t accept she takes a while to warm up and keep making ridiculous insinuations about her you won’t be visiting and of course the less she sees of them the less comfortable she will be. My FILs behaviour to my eldest was pretty unacceptable (in a different way) but once DH made it clear he either behaved or we wouldn’t be visiting he got better.

I was like this as a child; incredibly shy and only comfortable around relatives/neighbours that I saw on a regular basis. If it makes you feel any better now that I'm an adult I start up conversations with random people all the time and I'm very outgoing and the complete opposite of shy.

Giving you a parenting book was incredibly disrespectful.

Also just to add that I have never being diagnosed as neurodivergent, some people/kids just are shy and there's nothing more to it.

Your DP needs to have a word with them. What's his take on it?

Your DD sounds lovely and a lot like mine at the same age. I'd be posting that book back to them! (Or throwing it!)

Have you told them she’s perfectly bloody normal? Does she not see them often enough to be relaxed around them? Possibly because they keep telling you she’s not neurotypical?!

Push back hard on any suggestions that she’s not normal. In my experience you need to shut this down as quickly and firmly as possible. Ideally your DH should do it - but you need to be prepared to do it if he’s one of those who will excuse it.

What does your DP think? Is there a history of autism/ADHD/OCD on his side of the family that makes your PILs hyper alert to them? (I'm not saying your DD has any of these conditions just that a family with a history of them, might assume they see traits that actually aren't there).

They are really shitty people. Tell them where to get off OP. Your little girl needs shielding from their vicious rhetoric. How dare they?

No history of neurodiversity on both sides of our family
DH avoids confrontation but agrees with me

They sound massively out of touch with childhood behaviour. All sounds very "normal" - a small child can often feel a bit shy and awkward with people who they don't see daily! Your DD sounds lovely. I'd tell them alls well, and they don't need to worry (interfere!)

Next time they’re being rude say actually she’s fine with others so I’m starting to think you guys are the problem. See how they like it

Your DH just needs to step up and to tell them to stop commenting on your daughter in such a negative way. I wouldn't see people who treated my child like this. They may not say it directly in front of her but she is not stupid and will pick up on this.

Ask them how they’d feel if you suggested DFIL had dementia?

I think my DD is very secure and confident and she behaves like this at times…
she likes to assess the scene and warms up in her own time. it’s TOTALLY normal.

I actually got weirdly angry reading this. What is wrong with them?

I take @TomeTomes suggestion and raise you.

i think you should openly start discussing the signs of dementia and Alzheimer’s you believe they have and feigning faux concern asking about GP appointments and referral pathways

I would also firmly shut this chat down. What is your DH doing about this???

what dickheads the pair of them are… 😡

“she is shy around people she doesn’t see often” If you want to say something like this, reframe it as more like: "She is more confident around people she sees often". Avoid at all costs asserting that she IS shy, she doesn't need it confirmed. It's more helpful to suggest the behaviours you want to see. You know she's fine with people she's familiar with, they just need to realise it too.

Re the ND suggestions, keep repeating that nursery don't have any concerns and are surprised that other people think so.

My daughter was very shy when she was a little girl, and I noticed both my dad and my father-in-law would take her off for a little walk around the garden and show her things that had grown since she was last there. It just took that length of time to make her comfortable. She really loved them.