Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To have said this to my best friend?

24 replies

Mimikyuu · 10/12/2023 18:39

My best friend Bonnie (not real name) have been friends for 25 years, since we’re little children. We have been through everything together, every up, down and heart real etc. she has been really really hurt by every relationship she’s had and has now become really intolerant of men and relationships.

I get it, because I was similar after an abusive ex but now I’m married to a wonderful man and we have a really great partnership.

She’s very black and white in her view in that he should be doing everything exactly 50%. She says awful things about him being lazy, a crap partner, I deserve better, my son will turn out just like his dad etc. this really hurts me because my husband is great and we are happy. We don’t split things completely down the middle because it just doesn’t work that way for us due to our working hours and we also take on a bulk of jobs we know the other person hates doing. Eg, I do pretty much all of things cleaning because I like doing it. He takes the kids out on a Saturday morning and I put my headphones on and crack on. He does 100% off he laundry because he finds it therapeutic and it’s way to unwind after a 12 hour shift. I do all of the bedtimes because he works evenings, but he does all of the mornings because I’ve already left for work etc.

After yet another character assassination of my husband, our marriage and how my kids are gonna to turn out shit, I’ve had to say something to her. Along the lines of, I understand you’ve been hurt and I understand you love me and want what’s best, but please don’t let your bitterness ruin our friendship because im
not going to choose you over my family.

I’ve come to realise now that she seems to only be happy when I’m single and also miserable and depressed. I don’t want to lose the friendship but I definitely need a break and don’t know how to go about it without leaving her left with no one.

OP posts:

missmollygreen · 10/12/2023 18:41

YANBU
Your friend needs a reality check

fitforflight · 10/12/2023 18:41

Her being left with nobody isn't your problem, it's a consequence of her actions. I'd be blunt and just tell her that she's projecting her own issues with men onto your relationship and that you can't continue to be her friend while she's spending time insulting your husband.

cpphelp · 10/12/2023 19:01

How did she respond when you told her to stop?
Perhaps she will reflect and friendship will be okay?
I'd let this one play out... you've told her to stop and now the ball is in her court

Original poster

Mimikyuu · 10/12/2023 19:47

I haven’t heard back from her, this was over text. She will silk for a few days then try and carry on as normal but I do need a break.

OP posts:

Chuckiee · 10/12/2023 19:56

Your friends don't insult your DH and DC. She is no friend of yours. You'll feel better when you have both moved on.

Chuckiee · 10/12/2023 19:57

She isn't insulting them by the way. She is insulting you. She is saying you may think you have a good DH and good DC but actually they are shit.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/12/2023 20:00

It sounds like a desperate attempt to make herself feel better when she sees how happy you are.

user628468523532453 · 10/12/2023 20:11

Chuckiee · 10/12/2023 19:57

She isn't insulting them by the way. She is insulting you. She is saying you may think you have a good DH and good DC but actually they are shit.

So every time posters on here tell a poster that their DH/DP is abusive, they're actually insulting the OP rather than trying to look out for them?

I don't think that was a comment to make over text, certainly not the part where you called her bitter. It should have been a face to face conversation.

user628468523532453 · 10/12/2023 20:14

Mimikyuu · 10/12/2023 19:47

I haven’t heard back from her, this was over text. She will silk for a few days then try and carry on as normal but I do need a break.

Being practical though, what is she supposed to say to a message like the one you sent? You describe her as sulking but from her perspective you've tried to put her in her place so she's leaving you to it.

If you genuinely don't want to lose the friendship, you need to talk to her properly. You can't deal with sensitive and nuanced stuff like this over text and expect it to end well.

DaughterNo2 · 10/12/2023 20:17

Where does she get all this information from? You?

EveryOtherNameTaken · 10/12/2023 20:24

Jealous. She'd rather you were bitter and single like her because she probably can't hold on to a decent man like your partner.

Let her sulk and then if she gets in touch, meet her and tell her face to face it makes you unhappy and not to criticise your choices and partner.

flowerchild2000 · 10/12/2023 20:25

It's her responsibility to seek therapy and figure her stuff out. It's really hard- I'm just coming out of it myself. If I could do it anyone can. I never would have dragged anyone else down with me either. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves and she's not doing that. I do think you worded it harshly, but I can understand it built up and boiled over. Perhaps have another convo with her where you're both calm, have apologized, etc. but stand firm in not putting up with it any longer.

Cupcakekiller · 10/12/2023 20:38

On the flip side, do you go on a lot about how wonderful your DH is?

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 20:40

Cupcakekiller · 10/12/2023 20:38

On the flip side, do you go on a lot about how wonderful your DH is?

Even if she does, that doesn’t warrant her friend being nasty about him.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 10/12/2023 20:49

I’m baffled as to why she knows the chores aren’t split 50:50 in a house that she doesn’t live in. Why has it become her business? Why does she even need to know how you split chores and who does what in your house? Just stop telling her stuff! Stop justifying it and just keep repeating: We are extremely happy. It suits us. We don’t care whether it suits you because you aren’t in our household or our marriage. Stop giving us unsolicited opinions.

StaunchMomma · 10/12/2023 20:52

I could not take someone speaking about my kids and partner like that!

She sounds awfully bitter. Well done for standing up to her.

betterangels · 10/12/2023 20:56

user628468523532453 · 10/12/2023 20:14

If you genuinely don't want to lose the friendship, you need to talk to her properly. You can't deal with sensitive and nuanced stuff like this over text and expect it to end well.

Show quote history

Yes. I don't know what you want her to do.

betterangels · 10/12/2023 20:58

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 20:40

Even if she does, that doesn’t warrant her friend being nasty about him.

Show quote history

True. But it can get awfully tiring to listen to. Perhaps the friendship is just over. They are in very different places in life.

Cupcakekiller · 10/12/2023 21:33

@10HailMarys Depends if the OP drones on about how great he is every time they're together. We don't know the context of the comments. If her friend just randomly says derogatory things, that's unkind but if they're in response to OP bleating on about how great he is all the time, she might have a point.

BlueGrey1 · 10/12/2023 21:34

You were right in what you said, I couldn’t listen to a friend go on like that especially as you said that your husband is wonderful.
If you want to continue the friendship, I would leave it a week ( give her time to think about it) and then just text and say ‘fancy meeting up for a Christmas drink / coffee and we can discuss the above….my treat!’
Depending how the meet up goes ( if she replies) you can decide if you want to continue with the friendship…..she seems quite toxic ( and jealous) though

If ALL her relationships ended badly she probably had a part to play in those events aswell, it’s not normal that all of a persons relations end badly…….the majority of mine haven’t for example

FuckOffTom · 10/12/2023 21:41

I would also like to know where she gets her information from. If you’ve been complaining about your DH to her you can’t then get annoyed if she’s giving an opinion on that.
if it’s come from her digging for info and trying to find cracks in your marriage then she should fuck off.

HandyLittleGadget · 10/12/2023 22:15

She might well be someone you've been friendly with for many years, but she certainly isn't much of a friend at all.

Original poster

Mimikyuu · 10/12/2023 22:24

I don’t really bring my husband up much, because of the comments. But we used to chat about our lives, when she’s in a relationship she doesn’t make these sorts of comments at all and we can talk normally about mundane stuff. When she’s not in a relationship she’s just really projecting about her hurt into my life.

OP posts:

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/12/2023 23:04

True friends don't insult you
Her bitterness towards men is her issue
I'm not sure I'd still want to be friends YANBU

Flip