Would you give this family member a chance?

[Cadosmith]

In a cycle with a relative who always needs a high amount of validation, attention and to be the victim of any circumstance. Unless someone is behaving exactly as they desire they quickly become hateful. They believe they are entitled to be aware, invited and involved in everything and shit hits the fan if not. Everybody used to dance to their tune - this has stopped and now they are claiming poor MH. I do think this must be the case for them as there is no other logical explanation for their behaviour patterns that I have mentioned.

I don’t know whether to believe they have poor MH or not. They continue to treat me poorly and then say I am the one making them feel like shit. It’s very strange and I’ve tried to talk about it but they become very reactive so having a conversation is nighon impossible.

I feel compelled to remain available as they have said they are in poor mental health right now. But I don’t even know if they are telling the truth about it or lying to give themselves permission to behave as they like, as horrible as that sounds!

Do you give someone like this chance? I hate to think of them struggling and lonely and trying to see their situation sympathetically but also don’t want to be reeled in to conflict, IYSWIM.

I wouldn’t, they sound hateful. Few have the energy for tolerating such bullshit: life’s too bloody short

Ha - I wonder if we share the same in-laws 😉

I am NC with them.

You could try LC?

Fairly LC. Possibly! I’m fairly certain they have the same issue with both sides of their families.

You're allowed to have boundaries OP, even with somebody who has poor mental health.

Only make yourself available if you feel you're in a position to do so, not because they're "family" or whatever.

As little as possible contact. By the sounds of what you describe, not a recent change but a constant.

No, if someone is habitually unpleasant you don’t have to maintain a relationship with them. You don’t even need to tell them why you’re reducing contact. You can simply become unavailable.

No. And even if someone does have MH issues, it doesn't give carte blanche to behave like a dick.

They don’t accept they are behaving badly

You are allowed to set boundaries, to protect your well being too. It sounds like they have complex issues going on, and maybe MH problems, but the nicest thing would be to suggest they get some actual help.

No - if they were already hard work before claiming mental health issues I would only expect them to be worse after.

Don't get pulled into their manipulative stories.

They’re manipulative arseholes. Do not give them another chance. They will not change.

Their mental health is neither here nor there. It’s not an excuse to treat you like shit.

Well either their mental health issues are such that they would be incapable of understanding that, or they are just being a dick and would naturally never admit their behaviour is obnoxious.

Either way, it is not something you have to put up with if you don't want to.

They sound manipulative and I don't do that with anyone so no, I would cut them completely out of my life and never really think of them again.

Then you cannot win, OP. Whatever you do will be twisted and thrown back at you because conflict is what they want.

I'm afraid you're in a position where you have to either put up with it or remove yourself from the situation, the latter option being the one that is clearly required.

I've suffered with poor MH, and dealt with a family member who was suffering in the past. The sad fact is, sometimes there's no helping someone when they're in a funk like that. They need professionals. I wouldn't go so far as to say cut them out of your life forever, but if they need to be muted in the short to medium term, do that, and don't feel the slightest ounce of guilt about it.

I think yes they probably do have poor MH or else they wouldn't act like utter twats. People usually have the insight to know they're acting terribly and keep themselves in check otherwise.

However, mental health isn't an excuse to behave poorly. So I would absolutely not be putting up with it. LC all the way

Thank you, I am worried they’ve nobody really to turn to and they’ve stuck themselves in a hole and don’t know how to get out of it with being so unkind etc. That’s when I’m thinking generously. When I am less empathetic I think they could be doing it all on purpose tbh.

You can let them know you love them, and you'll always be there, but their current behaviour is not acceptable to you. I feel for both of you in this situation, but you have to look after yourself. And they need to hit rock bottom and do the work to get back to an even keel.

I cut off someone like this, never been happier