Annoyed, accept or try and support

[topgirlalways]

My partner and i have been together for 2 years. Lived together for 6 months. I have bought a new build really early spring. Plan is to move from his rural village to my new house. He will rent his house out. However I think he is depressed or he is no longer interested or lazy.

When we lived apart, due to distance we spent quality time, went on dates and planned things. I felt a priority, loved and cared about. He was affectionate and we had a great sec life. now we live together no effort is made on his part. He will only do what he wants to do and no compromise. Previously he seemed to want to do things, but I now think that was because we lived apart.

in last few months we have been in a rut. Affection is limited and sex is infrequent. He has put on 4 stone, since an injury so can’t exercise, hence the weight. Got promoted into a senior role with lots of paperwork. He is normally a hands on guy and in his words likes to be a go to guy. Not so much in this new role - think he plans how to spend the money. He hates his job. Loved his old role which was disaster planning.

we make plans, but he tends to forget them, decided he wants to chill in front of tv or had a hangover from night before so can’t. I don’t make plans and do my own thing now. We have had a chat a while ago. I said was unhappy and feel he doesn’t want me anymore. He says he just has no urg for sex, hates his job (but has a weird loyalty to the company), hates his weight gain. He doesn’t want me to move out and loves me, fancies me and wants a future. Just asked for time and a day where he can be alone.

so we started to do something once a week. Sex didn’t really return as frequently but affection and intimacy did. Today we had plans to go out for food. This morning he woke up and says the storms have caused havoc and they have asked the team for help at work. Basically his old role was preparing and action with bad weather- I knew in storms etc he would be on call, and appreciate that was his job - it’s not now. I asked if he needed to go to work and he says no, it’s voluntary but on overtime rate - he does not need the money. I asked about lunch plans, he said he will left me know if he can.

so today I feel crap. I feel he would rather be at work than spend time with me. He prioritised work over our plans. It’s like our plans don’t matter or my time. He is now off to do a role he loves, but is cancelling on me again, but seemed to be really excited to do a job he loves.

I know he has mild depression. I am supporting him with cooking healthy meals and having no snacks in the house. I am leaving him alone. Trying to be out of house more and just supporting. But when should this end and my feelings matter? If I bring it up he gets irritated. Says he is fed up telling me he loves me. But his actions say otherwise. I just don’t trust he will do what he says.

how do I approach this?

This guy is clearly depressed.

Of course, he is going to go to work when an opportunity to do what makes him feel good arises. He wants his old job back remember.

I would be frustrated too if my sex life died, my partner put on 4 stone and stopped making an effort. I get it but you also seem to lack empathy.

See what he's like when he gets home. He'll probably be in great form. Suggest he goes back to a job that makes him feel like that etc.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you feel so rotten. It can't be easy for him. The only thing that jumps out is that if I had experience of disaster planning and I enjoyed it and was asked to help, I couldn't sit on my hands. There will be other lunches. Do you have friends you could see instead? Do something you enjoy? As for the future, IDK. Hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon.

Can he return to his old job? Seems it all spiraled from there

Suggest he investigates the possibility of returning to his old role. That might give him
the impetus to lose weight. Maybe set yourself a time limit and re-asses how the relationship is.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees i can see it others can, but he says he is not depressed. He got enjoyment out of running and being useful at his job. I have tried to help, but he gets irritated. I am trying to have empathy, but when your plans and sex life disappears without me being part of the conversation. He finds time for pub and others.

@Pottedpalm he can’t go back. Has applied for other roles, but his boss won’t let him go as the role he is doing is niche. He won’t leave the company as the talent managed him up and he won’t earn the same. He is also not a confident guy outside his comforts.

There comes a point where not matter what the problem was, of someone refuses to acknowledge it and refuses do anything about it, that the problem becomes their refusal. It can feel like control. Whether he's trying to control you because he's spiralling, or because now he's got you to move near he doesn't need to make any effort and this is what life with him will be like- you have to decide that yourself. You can't make the change for him, and he doesn't sound like he's interested in doing anything about it himself.

I'd move to your new house without him. See if it gets any better when you aren't living together.

How will he continue to work when you move to your place? Is it a commutable distance?
The best or most obvious plan for you is to move into your place in the spring and see what he does. Focus on what you can control, rather than on stuff you can't. You can be supportive, but you're not his mother. And perhaps some time apart would be good - as far as living arrangements go - to figure out how much you want to be with him and for him to sort himself out.

@PersonWithInternalGonads i am thinking of not asking him to move in with me. I feel guilty for feeling selfish of wanting time. But then angry as he won’t or realises it.

If I mention sex or make a move he needs to go to the toilet or something distracting. I have asked him if he sees a future dnd he says he does. He says it’s compromise he struggles with as has lived alone for many years.

it gets to point that you start to think it’s me that’s the issue and I hate feeling crap and not confident.

@Firefly2009 his work is actually closer to my new house. I commute an hour each way at the moment. With be halved when I move.

you are right I cannot control his actions or want to. It’s probably the change from him being thoughtful to not. From previous relationships I have learned he leaves without notice. Then talks after he has moved out. I think this has not happened as I am in his house. I also think it may be doomed as he cannot compromise

Whatever else you do, don't commit to him moving in and absolutely don't get pregnant.

Leave him. You’re not tied by marriage or children. Move out. Get some space. Maybe you can rekindle things. But honestly I’d just cut my losses. You don’t want to be tied to that for the rest of your life. Living with someone with depression is torturous

He may say he isn’t depressed, but he clearly is. He probably just doesn’t recognise it. He hates his job, he’s self-conscious about his weight gain and he can’t summon up any enthusiasm for anything. Loss of libido is very common among people who are depressed - and I suspect his weight gain is a factor too, as he probably feels awful about you seeing him naked.

My guess is that he went into work because a) it gave him the same buzz as his old crisis management role and b) it gave him a sense of usefulness and purpose that he currently lacks.

Obviously that doesn’t mean you have to put up with a relationship that isn’t working for you - you aren’t his carer. And things won’t improve unless he accepts what’s wrong and agrees to talk about it, which he might find hard to do. Only you know whether you think you can work through this with him.

@10HailMarys yeah you are right. I think this gives him purpose which he needs. I have said to him I still fancy him and never said anything about his weight. I am trying to support his weight loss.

He won’t talk and avoids. He will hope this will resolve and go away. Exercise gave him a boost in mood. He lost this replaced it with food.

Do not feel guilty you’re not his carer and to be honest as long as he has you for a crutch he’s unlikely to put the work in to fix his mental health. Do not anchor yourself to somebody who is likely to make you miserable you need to look after yourself.

Update: he came home and was in a good mood. He says that no many people turned up and morally it was wrong.

He says he made a fortune in overtime. He has a really bad cold, but still working. I did mention that I was looking forward to Sunday lunch. He got angry and said that people needed him. he also got angry when I was chatting about my day. Because he doesn’t need to hear it as his head is sore and he is tired.

I am just disappointed that he can’t see his delivery was not correct. He could have said I am really sorry we have to cancel lunch. Not I am off to work! He seems to be insular, and not listening to my chat. He said he wanted to decompress and not chat.

At least you have your new home to look forward to moving into early next year, right? It's a shame it won't be available before then, but this is so awesome for you.

Is there anywhere else you can live in the meantime? I'm not necessarily saying 'dump him' because I don't know, but you are justified in having your own space right now with him treating you like this.