Feeling pressure to keep everyone happy

[Gizmosfurrybelly]

Does anyone else feel like they are constantly having to try to keep those around them happy?? Is it just me? It’s starting to get me down.
My DH has the most terrible mood swings. One day everything is fine & he’s upbeat, the next he’s miserable as fuck, & there’s no rhyme or reason behind it. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the, as do the kids. No one wants to send him into one of his moods! I’ve encouraged him many times (this has been going on for years) to get some help, suggested talking therapy & so on, he’s made appointments but never followed through.

On top of that I have 2 teenagers & obviously there’s going to be moodiness going on there as well!
But it’s all starting to wear me down & impact on me. I constantly feel like I’m have to point out positives, encourage & be supportive. It’s exhausting me. I feel like if I don’t our household is just going to be one big bag of misery!
I don’t take my life for granted, we are more fortunate than most, not rich but comfortable, health is reasonable on the whole. Does anyone else feel this pressure or AIBU?

Yes. I feel exactly the same. I've been doing it for 10+ years and recently have basically had a breakdown about it all. I can't do it any more. I can't be the person trying to jolly everybody and everything along whilst they all tell me (one way or another) that my efforts are not good enough. I've pretty much stopped. Kids think I'm broken and my marriage is on the rocks. I am sad that things are no longer jolly. But I still can't bring myself to start doing it again because I can't face another 10+ years of this to get my youngest through his childhood. There surely has to be a healthier way for happiness to happen?

@Gizmosfurrybelly and @HappyAsASandboy I know exactly what you mean - I'm in the same position except I'm walking on eggshells to keep my DH from having a mental health crisis . He's had 2 in the last 4 years and he's the breadwinner so we can't afford to live if he can't function. My teenagers are both struggling so I have to make sure they are supported too. I also have a disabled relative who I have to care for. At the moment, I feel like I have 4 children and not one of them can manage without me. I just feel like I am never able to have any space or time for myself. I am never inaccessible to my family, there is literally nowhere I can go to be alone - even on the rare occasions when I fit in a run (I fucking hate exercise but, self care and all that) I am bombarded with WhatsApp messages if they need something. I currently struggle to get out of bed in the morning and have nothing to look forward to except more of the mental load that seems to get heavier with every passing year. I don't know what the answer is but I just wanted to say (via a bit of a rant, sorry) that I see you and understand how much the 24/7 weight of responsibility makes you feel.

I left and I cannot describe to you how much happier I am. And my dc are unlearning the behaviour they learned.

Thank you so much for your replies.
it has got to the point where I feel maybe I should just give up & leave them to be moany & unhappy. I just wish they could see how fortunate they are.

They never will.

I don’t have a particularly moany/moody/depressed DH but it’s still exhausting trying to keep everyone happy. I need a difficult conversation with DH this week for example but he’s currently pissed off with DS17 for announcing he’s quitting college so that’s going to have to wait.

We also have the dynamic where DC tend to talk to whichever parent they think will be on side, knowing the other parent won’t, therefore constantly putting one of us in the middle. It’s fucking irritating.

Plus dealing with teenage mood swings and pussy footing around their latest dramas. One has a girlfriend everyone hates but wants her at our house - nobody else does. We want to get a dog - but DH doesn’t want the type everyone else does. Life’s just a constant stream of “well, someone’s going to be unhappy”

I just remind myself that I’m not responsible for everyone else’s happiness. That’s on them to manage. And make the decisions that are right for me, whether people like it or not.

Yes that’s exactly what I think- why should I be responsible for everyone else’s happiness? The problem there is their unhappiness has a negative impact on my well being.
Maybe I need to learn not to let this be the case but it’s difficult.

You are spot on and you can recognise this which is half the battle. Their moods are up to them. Don’t bear the brunt or it’ll wear on you too, sounds like it is already tbh.

YANBU. I love my partner to bits but he can be a miserable fucker sometimes. It used to really get to me but now I just channel his mood back at him, e.g. if he’s only giving me one word answers then I’ll do the same to him 😂 and if he’s really moody then I’ll just take myself off to do something else - occasionally his FOMO will get the better of him and he’ll cheer up enough to join in.

The only time it gets to me now is when we’re meeting up with other people (funnily enough, usually when it’s my family or friends) then I’ll tell him to “cheer the fuck up or don’t bother coming” because it’s embarrassing for me having him behave like a moody teenager.

Yes, it's a mum/wife thing.

I give less of a shit now but when the kids lived at home I was the same. Couldn't be happy unless everyone else was, it was like I soaked up responsibility for everyone else's happiness.

Have this with some of my own family members. Relate to feeling like I'm on eggshells around mood swings.

OtterlyMad my DH also has FOMO, and I find if ever do things without him that can set one of his moods off, then I end up feeling guilty, but also really angry about it!

I've felt like this for years. My parents split up when I was 24 and since then I've been in the middle of them, my younger brother and my grandparents, all of whom were really upset and still won't accept the reality that it's over. I was upset too, but I've had to take care of everyone instead of taking care of me.

I honestly thought I could compensate for partners apathy for Christmas and birthdays (he is good in other areas),and the children wouldn’t take after him, I did in some area but failed completely when it came to their feelings of my wellbeing. Just had a birthday and four adults all forgot and more concerned with blaming each other. I allowed myself to be treated like shit and pretended I was OK and now it’s the norm.

Children learn behaviour and responses. They won’t get ‘better’