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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex telling the whole workplace about our past

22 replies

sickofallthis · 09/12/2023 18:50

I started a new job a few months ago. It happens to be the place where my ex of over 10 years works (my taking the job there had absolutely nothing to do with him, it was too good an offer to turn down and we work in the same industry).

Since I started, he's basically been telling everyone we used to date. For example he approached my new boss and said "I believe you've just employed my ex girlfriend", and a few weeks back I was chatting to another new colleague and he mentioned my ex. I said yeah I already know him, and he replied "I believe so, he's been telling everyone you have a history, I think it's like a badge of honour for him".

It's getting a bit tired now. Especially as I want to keep any relations strictly professional and I technically senior to him too. I just feel a bit embarrassed now by his constant sharing of our intimate past (which is ancient history!) with all my new colleagues.

I am on civil terms with him and always have been, so I don't want to create an atmosphere, but I need him to just stop repeating this story to everyone. I'm finding it awkward and I don't want people to "talk" if we are in meetings etc together as part of our job roles, as I just find that really uncomfortable and unprofessional.

I guess my question if am I overreacting or being overly sensitive here, or would this annoy others too?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 09/12/2023 18:52

It’s sexual harassment. Complain to HR

Lovingitallnow · 09/12/2023 18:53

The new colleague sounds like he/she was rolling their eyes at him. I wouldn't worry.

Wherearemykeysagain · 09/12/2023 18:53

HermioneWeasley · 09/12/2023 18:52

It’s sexual harassment. Complain to HR

Sexual harassment to say you dated someone?
Is he talking about your sex lives or just saying you’re his ex-gf?

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 18:55

Hold on, can you give examples of what he's shared of your intimate past?

Because if it's only telling people you two are exes, then it's mildly annoying but nothing you can do about it.

FWIW, I'd be a bit weirded out if my ex turned up at my workplace too, and would almost definitely mention it to a few people.

Toottooot · 09/12/2023 18:55

HermioneWeasley · 09/12/2023 18:52

It’s sexual harassment. Complain to HR

Awa bile yer heid min. Annoying maybe but definitely nae harassment.

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 18:56

HermioneWeasley · 09/12/2023 18:52

It’s sexual harassment. Complain to HR

Can you explain how you've come to this conclusion?

Original poster
sickofallthis · 09/12/2023 18:56

As far as I know just telling people we used to date. I sincerely hope he's not sharing any other details but in all honesty he's quite immature for his age (early 30s) so I wouldn't be surprised! He was early 20s when we dated and he honestly hadn't grown up that much in a decade.

I just feel like it's potentially tainting othes' views of my professionalism, but that may be an insecurity / overreaction on my part.

OP posts:
Toooldtoworry · 09/12/2023 18:58

I think this reflects more on him than on you.

Original poster
sickofallthis · 09/12/2023 18:58

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 18:55

Hold on, can you give examples of what he's shared of your intimate past?

Because if it's only telling people you two are exes, then it's mildly annoying but nothing you can do about it.

FWIW, I'd be a bit weirded out if my ex turned up at my workplace too, and would almost definitely mention it to a few people.

Edited

I'm not sure why he needs to feel "weirded out", we work in the same industry and always have (that's how we originally met), and we also live in the same small town, so it's hardly a surprise that our paths might cross professionally again in the future, as they have done.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 09/12/2023 18:59

it’s this comment that makes it sound like it’s more than just very neutrally telling people you dated.

“I believe so, he's been telling everyone you have a history, I think it's like a badge of honour for him"

Original poster
sickofallthis · 09/12/2023 19:00

I think it was more the "he wears it like a badge of honour" comment - it makes me wonder if it's come across to my new colleagues in a bragging sort of way. Which is unprofessional in my opinion.

OP posts:
CaineRaine · 09/12/2023 19:01

If anyone mentions it again, just say “gosh that was a lifetime ago when we were very different people. Now about that report….”

bananablues · 09/12/2023 19:04

his behaviour says more about him than you. He is an ex / treat him as one. Been and gone, no longer worthy of your time & attention. If you have to say anything you could just say you hope he goes up one day.

Original poster
sickofallthis · 09/12/2023 19:08

CaineRaine · 09/12/2023 19:01

If anyone mentions it again, just say “gosh that was a lifetime ago when we were very different people. Now about that report….”

Yes this seems a good approach! You'd think it wouldn't be that interesting to know two people used to date a decade ago, but unfortunately I'm in the sort of industry where gossip spreads like wildfire and people thrive on it. Sad but true!

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2023 19:28

If all he’s saying is that you used to date, although I can see why it’s irritating for you, I honestly wouldn’t worry about this impacting anyones professional opinion of you. As others have said, just move the conversation along when it is brought up x

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 19:30

Have you asked him to stop?

StripeyDeckchair · 09/12/2023 19:46

"Oh yeah, I dated X for a while but that was ...years ago. I left and moved on, its waaaay in the past & not something i think about these days. I'd assume it would be the same for him"

Let them read what they like into it, but the sub text is it looks like he still holds a candle for you
You, on the other hand, have him firmly in the past

sparkellie · 09/12/2023 19:56

Honestly, if my ex took a job where I worked I'd be really uncomfortable.
Have you wondered how he feels about this? Not that you should base your career choices on his feelings, but it's worth trying to see it from his side.
Maybe he just wants to make sure he tells people before you do/anyone found out? He already has relationships with these people, and he may feel unsettled and unsure of how you working there will play out.
Have you kept in contact with him since you broke up? How did it end? Just things that are worth bearing in mind.

theduchessofspork · 09/12/2023 20:01

He’s going to run out of people to tell pretty soon isn't he?

If that’s the case, and all he’s telling people is you used to go out, I’d ignore it.

Catlord · 09/12/2023 20:05

I don't think you need to worry.

I get it's irritating if it sounds like he's been doing the rounds announcing it but that could be that one guy's spin especially if ex was complimentary so I wouldn't do anything unless he says something specifically out of line. It isn't really inappropriate just to mention that you once dated. You're allowed to have had a previous partner, that's shouldnt be hot gossip. If anyone treats it as such then have a word with your LM.

But for now just shut it down completely neutrally: 'yes, that's right. Years ago now. Small world in Finance! Now, would you be able to talk me through XYZ processes please?'

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/12/2023 20:08

He's obviously very proud of himself.

I would not react at all, don't say a word, just deflect and change the subject back to something professional.

It'll soon be forgotten. If for any reason it isn't, it's for HR to deal with.

rwalker · 09/12/2023 20:19

The fact it was 10 years ago it isn’t really that much different than saying you know someone as you worked with them elsewhere

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